Helping kids adjust

[SuzySunshine]

Ok, lay them on me - how do I get A to adjust. We've been here for almost 4 months now and just in the last few weeks she has started saying, "I want to go back to MN". My heart is breaking for her. At first I thought it was just a phase and I explained that this is where we live now and that this is where daddy's job is and that she has new friends at school. Today she said it and then said "I don't like my new friends" I'm sending an e-mail to her teacher to find out if something has happened at school but I'm at a loss as to what to tell her and how to make her feel like this is home. Of course the fact that it doesn't feel like home to me either probably isn't helping much...

[Ladybug]

Validate her feelings, ask her questions, talk about what she misses most. Then brace yourself. 4 months is not long. I find it takes between 1-2 years to feel comfortable, and several years more to feel rooted. It's going to be a stressful year and another move. I'd focus more on your interior sense of family, home and identity. Rich traditions that can move from one location to another and create a consistent, mobile sense of "home"

Things will get better. You will settle somewhere and grow roots, and A will have great memories.

I think checking with the teacher is a smart place to start. . She could have had a hard day.

[Deebs]

I would talk to the teacher. You also have to remember that this is likely temporary and she'll have to do this all over in a year. I constantly reinforce with my kids that no matter where we move, we will always go TOGETHER. I don't feel I can really assure them of much else.

[Vanquisher]

I agree with Ladybug and Deebs. I would start, if you haven't already, a weekly tradition that fits your family. Do a Friday movie night where you get a $1 redbox movie (or library) and pop some popcorn. Turn off all the lights , put on PJs, and put a bunch of pillows on a blanket in front of the tv. Then, you and the kids do it once a week. If B can join, great! Or have a pizza night where you make your own pizzas. Figure out some fun activities that you can do as a family at home to build the core of family and home being together regardless of what city you're in. Make sure you do it regularly so it's something to look forward to. Let A have input. Ask her if she wants to bake cookies or if she'd rather play Candy Land for family night. Talk about the importance of family (your nuclear family) togetherness.

[GrayMatterWife]

Of course the fact that it doesn't feel like home to me either probably isn't helping much...

She's probably overheard you and DH talking. She probably picks up on your feelings, worries, and references. Kids are terribly perceptive. I'm sure she doesn't know WHAT you're going through, but knows that she felt more settled and security in Minnesota.

Little ones are really be mirrors on our struggles, even though they don't reflect them back to us in same manifestation we convey them.

[SuzySunshine]

Thanks guys and I'll be more careful about what I say about possibly staying here. The traditions are a good idea, I have a book with ideas I'll flip through it.

[Deebs]

The traditions idea is excellent. We do some of this (although I never would think to tell anyone as a tip because I just do it to pass the time/days) and after reading Heidi's post and reflecting, I think it probably HAS helped my kids adjust. No matter where we live, they still have the consistency of movie night in their sleeping bags once a week, sleepover with Mommy once a month when Daddy is working nights, Make your own sundae or pizza night, etc. Kids love routine. For your next move, I also pay very close attention to what toys my kids are really into the month or so before a move and make sure those toys come in the car with us to get unloaded first. I have a really hard time knowing when my kids are really upset, trying to work through something, or reflecting what they think or know I'm feeling.

[houseelf]

I can honestly say that my first born is more flexible and socially confident because of his moves.

I think this is one of those cases where you are going to have to dig really deep and fake it until you make it. You are going to have to be alright with it to make A alright.

I know A is little but try to weave in the positives whenever you can. "We get a whole new area to explore!" "You know how to make new friends so easy because of your experiences, school is going to be easy for you!" "Isn't it great to know that you have been able to make a home anywhere!"

Don't even talk to her about next year. At her age, that is the equivalent of talking about another epoch. Kids are far more adaptable than the adults.