Female Fours

[SuzySunshine]

And she's not even 4 yet - someone please tell me that her constant melt downs are normal?

It seems she has complete crying melt downs at least a half dozen times a day if not more. Some are because her brother still doesn't know how to share but most are based on something I told her no or gave her to choices she didn't like.

I'm at a loss. Starting this morning I've been getting down on her level and giving her a hug while I calmly explained why she couldn't have whatever it was she wanted but I'm open to other suggestions. I'm just at a loss. She's still saying things like "I want to go back to MN" and today she said she wanted her old preschool teacher back. I just don't know what to do.

[GrayMatterWife]

OH.MY.WORD.

DD#1 is 3 years, 2 months, and is going through THIS.EXACT.THING!!

I HATE IT!!!!!

I just ignore her. But then, I can concentrate through a tornado, if I had to.

The meltdowns, I mean. She does not want to go to Minnesota.

[Phoebe]

As Luanne, duly noted years ago, you have reached the F'ing fours. Four years old for us was a time period of development where my girls were much more emotional over threes stubbornness. I don't miss those years!

[PrincessFiona]

This os a tough age.

Im big on mind control with this stuff. At her age she is likely parroting some of tour feelings and thoughts. I discovered that my little ones were pucking up on my phone conversations etc.

My advice is to control the message and she will follow.

[Meenah]

Bless you. At 4 they are old enough to scream, cry, manipulate, throw tantrums, but you just cannot reason with them yet. Good luck.

[v-girl]

It's the age. My friend's daughter just turned 5 and is still doing it (not as much though).

[Pollyanna]

You are the age of disequilibrium: http://studio3music.com/child-develo...m-ages-3-to-5/ It is really important to recognize that this is truly a stage. Like Kris said, "control the message" that is huge. Also, manipulate the situation. You need to think about 10 steps ahead of a 3.5 year old. If you know she has a tendency to throw tantrums in certain situations then manipulate the situation to her advantage without her realizing it. If you can stay ahead of her then you don't need to use the word "no" as often.

3 ½ yr. Old -- Inwardizing
• Disequilibrium
• Tremendous change
• Marked insecurity, disequilibrium
• Lack of coordination -- stumbling, falling,
fear of heights
• Stuttering and lisping may occur
• Hands may tremble
3 ½ yr. Old (cont.)
• Vision is changing, depth perception is off,
difficulty going up and down steps
• Reverts to two feet per step
• Tensional outlets are exaggerated --
blinking eyes, biting nails, picking nose,
facial tics, sucking thumb excessively
3 ½ yr. Old (cont.)
• Relationships with others difficult due to
insecurity -- crying & whining, “You don’t
love me”
• “Don’t look!” Don’t talk!” “Don’t laugh!”
• May demand exclusive attention of family or
friends
• Emotional extremes -- shy then over-
boisterous
Rigid, ritualistic, again, in eating, sleeping,
dressing
• Separation problems if mom leaves, must
be able to physically see her
• Frequent verbal disputes with other children
– will seek adult help

[Michele]

Daegan totally went through that! So it's not just girls. I'm not sure anything I do helps with any of this parenting stuff sometimes!!! But it at least gets me through to the next phase!

[DCJenn]

Wine.

J.

Jack is going through this too. He's 3 years and 8 months. A lot of the things in the list Polyanna posted are familiar. I was quite concerned about his facial tics a while back!!
The meltdowns are so hard. And the "NO!!!" (from him not me). It's so frustrating because I feel like we already got past that stage a year or more ago!! It's not that he is not happy with choices I give him so much, but that he has a hard time making a choice. Example we went for a walk thisafternoon and I casually asked which way should we go. He says "this way" "no this way" "noooo this way". And on and on to a complete meltdown and we ended up just going back home. I'm trying to avoid giving him choices at the moment. He also doesn't cope with sudden changes any more. I need to tell him way in advance if we are going out otherwise I can't get him out without a tantrum. He used to be able to go with the flow better.
Anyway no advice really. I'm just riding it out until the next phase!!

[Flynn]

Totally normal!!!! Very painful for parents -- especially mommy!

Hugs to you both!

[Pollyanna]

I truly recommend everyone buy the book series by Louise Bates Ames from the Gesell Institute of Human Development. Nearly everything will describe your child so well that it is scary. They have books for each year through age 9 and then one for 10-14. Here is a link: http://www.amazon.com/Your-One-Year-.../dp/0440506727 You can also find most of this information on the internet but the books are obviously more complete. This is another way to stay "ahead" of your kiddos as they develop. We can be so quick to label a child as difficult or fussy or happy and calm only to then have these characteristics turn on a dime. If you know what's coming you know how to be prepared which truly makes life easier for everyone. It also allows us as parents to not become as frustrated with our children as they go through difficult stages. I truly believe that parenting is more about finesse than it is about force.

[PrincessFiona]

Sorry for my phone post ... It's even harder to try and correct my messages on my phone. I wasn't really addressing the tantrums as much as I was addressing the missing mn part. I went through this when we moved with Amanda from PA to FL. I found that letting her take a transitional object to her new school was very helpful. She had a mat with her name on it that she had colored from her old school and they let her bring it to the new school. Actually, the new school laughed at me and told me they didn't think it would work ... but it was sort of like magic. She immediately went from getting up during circle time and wandering to sitting happily on her mat.

I always try to make my message my kids message. LOL. mind control. mind control! When they are little it's pretty easy to get that across. I avoid talking about the negatives to Thomas or on the phone when I'm in earshot...and I try and pull out the positive message. "I love your new school." "Your teacher is so nice. Do you like her too?" Obviously, if there is a problem though, that has to be listened to....I am not suggesting ignoring real issues ... just making your new home and community exciting and wonderful for her.

As far as the tantrums are concerned ... I have little advice. I am absolutely that mom who will let her child lie on the ground in target and will walk a few feet away and ignore her. I had to do that one time with Zoe ... and that was it. She never did it again. We have had car tantrums, but I let those go because it usually means that they are tired of sitting in the vehicle. From my perspective, avoiding tantrums is the best way to not have them. I don't take them out if I can avoid it if they are tired or if it is going to be a long shopping run. If I do, then I always offer up that if they can help me at the Target in the mall by putting the items that I select in the cart and being good listeners, then we will go to the play place in the mall after taking things to the van. It eliminates tantruming. They have jobs to do and then get rewarded.

I don't know ... I guess I don't really have good tantrum advice!

Kris

[SuzySunshine]

Thanks Tara I just requested the 2, 3, and 4 from my library.

Kris, I let them throw tantrums too.

Thanks everyone for the advice I think it has been worse the last few days because they're both sick.

[Thirteen]

I truly recommend everyone buy the book series by Louise Bates Ames from the Gesell Institute of Human Development. Nearly everything will describe your child so well that it is scary. They have books for each year through age 9 and then one for 10-14. Here is a link: http://www.amazon.com/Your-One-Year-.../dp/0440506727 You can also find most of this information on the internet but the books are obviously more complete. This is another way to stay "ahead" of your kiddos as they develop. We can be so quick to label a child as difficult or fussy or happy and calm only to then have these characteristics turn on a dime. If you know what's coming you know how to be prepared which truly makes life easier for everyone. It also allows us as parents to not become as frustrated with our children as they go through difficult stages. I truly believe that parenting is more about finesse than it is about force.

Adding these to the list: thank you!

Also, I am now very afraid of age 4.


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