Insight on Pregnancy with PGY (or any medical partner??)

[HeyMeganZ]

Hi there-

Wasn't sure where to post this, so thanks in advance for your patience! Newlywed (6months) of an equally new residency. I have a super high stress career (that thankfully pays our bills), a masters degree I was pursuing (which has taken the back burner and made me feel like a failure, but I just can't handle it right now) and a wonderful husband who thinks we should start making babies ASAP.

I'd love children. Realistically, I think we are a year away. But I'm terrified about being pregnant with a high stress job, a husband who isn't there often and navigating going back to work/affording a child, etc. in a very expensive city where we need my salary desperately. I know I'm stressed and feeling like there is a lot of pressure on me now, and not sure how to navigate this stuff.

Trust me, I know I'm not a special little snowflake - it's been done, and probably better than I will do it, by many, many other women. But I'm scared, and want to hear what it was like for you - so I'm not quite as nervous about juggling it all.

[scrub-jay]

Anything is possible, my schedule is insane (married to an MS3), work FT, school FT. We have one kiddo. How does it work? We were BOTH ready and this is key!! Please don't feel pressured into this decision.

[diggitydot]

Slow down. You don't have to "do it all". If having babies right now freaks you out, don't do it. We already have 3 kids and my dude would love SEVERAL more, but I'm not on the same page. It's absolutely OK to not be ready at the same time.

Your marriage is new (even if the relationship isn't). Residency is new. Let it all sink in for BOTH of you. Give yourself a little breathing room and don't worry about what you "should" do for a while. Let your adjustments happen naturally. When you're ready, go for it. When it drives you insane, come here to bitch. We get it. Promise.

[ladymoreta]

It's a fun, exciting decision, and I can assure you that whenever you decide, it will work out to be the "right" time for you guys. That said, there's nothing wrong with waiting until you're more comfortable. It sounds like maybe you're emotionally ready, but it would be less stressful if you waited a few more years?

[HeyMeganZ]

I need to keep that in mind - I DON'T have to do it all. Seems like it sometimes But I am doing a decent job figuring out what is too much on my plate (likeschool right now).

LOVE my husband, and I DO want kids, sooner than later. But getting a lot of pressure from our families, him, his medicine friends (about when I should have a baby, how, why...which I respond to ever so graciously...but not really!!)

More so curious HOW have you all done it and how to do balance it, with someone who obviously have a lot of demands on them, that they can't control. A little bit scary, since I have no idea what I'm getting into!

[HeyMeganZ]

Laurie - you're right, I know emotionally I'm ready. And I am standing my ground saying hey, I think it would be less stressful if we waited a year. but I also realize it's never a good time, life is always stressful...and our schedules probably won't be our own with residency, etc. the next few years. There's no perfect time right, and everyone just figures it out as they go along?

[MarissaNicole]

My husband has been ready for years. When we would see a tiny one, or when he'd play with our nieces and nephews he would often whisper in my ear "I want one." But since I was supportive in his career and his specialty (which is a demanding one), we have always understood that we would wait until I was ready because after all I would be doing the majority of child rearing/raising/discipline/care. Although my HEART has been ready for years, emotionally and mentally I have not been ready. For me its really important that I wait until I am ready because I don't want to resent him for being gone or rushing me into it.

Don't put it off because it will never be the "perfect" time; but also don't rush it before you are ready. It's different for everyone; you'll figure it out and know it when it's time!

[SoonerTexan]

You might be surprised at how you can work out a job with a baby too. I freaked out a few months ago when I got a new boss and it turns out she has been the best thing for me and my pregnancy at work!

[HeyMeganZ]

Best wishes to you!!! You are so close!!

[GrayMatterWife]

You cannot "have it all." Everything has costs. You need to figure out what is important to you and what you can handle.

You just got married, are married to a resident, live in an expensive city, have to work to live in that city, and work a high-pressured, time-demanding job.

Where would kids fit?

Just because he's mentally and emotionally ready--or even just because you both are--doesn't mean that it is the right time, unless you can change some of the above-described circumstances.

Or get a hell of a nanny.

[madeintaiwan]

You cannot "have it all." Everything has costs. You need to figure out what is important to you and what you can handle.

You just got married, are married to a resident, live in an expensive city, have to work to live in that city, and work a high-pressured, time-demanding job.

Where would kids fit?

Just because he's mentally and emotionally ready--or even just because you both are--doesn't mean that it is the right time, unless you can change some of the above-described circumstances.

Or get a hell of a nanny.

ITA with graymatterwife. What you want is totally doable, but don't expect everything to go exactly as you want it. A fabulous always in control mother, perfect all providing spouse, and kick ass employee. It's just not going to happen. Something is going to have to give and you have to be ok with possibly being mediocre at best at some things.

Like others have said, I think you have to be emotionally and mentally ready for the commitment of being pregnant and raising a child basically alone. And be realistic about and aware of what YOUR expectations are in regards to parenting, partnership, and your career. Because medicine will disappoint you time and time again if you don't know who she is and what she can give you.

What specialty is your DH? How long is his training? Your pregnancy may go well, sometimes it doesn't. I have many medical spouse friends who have to go on bed rest for 3 months or more. Luckily they had MILs who could come and help them out because their husbands could not. One of the wives here quit her job after she missed 10 days of work in one month because their child was sick and couldn't go to day care and her husband [the resident] can't take off of work. Again, anything is doable, you just have to be prepared to handle whatever comes your way because resentment will eat you up like a festering wound.

[diggitydot]

Truthfully, parenting during residency is a LOT of single-parenting. We do just fine with it, probably because our kids are all older (our youngest is 9 y/o) and I no longer work outside the home. Life was not nearly as fun when the kids were little, dude and I were both working at least 50-60 hours a week AND going to school full-time. That shit suuuuuuucked.

[HeyMeganZ]

Thanks ladies! Maybe it's the little pessimist in me, but I pretty much operate with the mentality 'don't expect much and be pleasantly surprised!'. It's worked so far! I'm turning 30 this spring, and again, would really like kids sooner than later. My concern IS coming from expecting this to be a psuedo-single parent thing, on top of working a stressful job we/I need to do (for financial reasons and my own sanity...I really love working and am SO thankful I didn't have to take a hit career-wise based on where we matched). He's a PGY1 IM resident, so I also know we have it easier than most of you. That being said, it's still been stressful and his hours still suck. Program will be 3 years (or 4 depending on if he took a Chief Resident role they brought up already during his first review) and then he's probably going to do a HemOnc Fellowship.

Basically, I know I can't do it all. I kind of feel like a crappy wife right now since I work so much, and have NO IDEA how I'd manage being prego/raising a baby in the city alone. But on the same hand - I know there will never be a good time, that no one does it perfectly, and people with FAR more stressful schedules/lives than me do it beautifully! Really just looking for insight as to how the heck you all did/do it!! Because I know neither of us will want to wait til the end of residency, so this is scary!

[diggitydot]

Th..I pretty much operate with the mentality 'don't expect much and be pleasantly surprised!'.

That outlook will server you well in ALL ASPECTS of the med life crapfest.

[ides]

Having a child in the city is a special kind of pita. We had O at the start of pgy3 of 5. I quit working when O was born. I wasn't in a high paying high power career & didn't esspecially enjoy working. We considered me continuing to work after his birth however every cent I made working would have gone to childcare. In nyc nannys are $20+ an hour and a lot of them suck! Childcare other than a nanny is hard to get & can be equally expensive. As well most places will not take a child under 3 months. We had a one bedroom hospital appt that was less than market rate but still took 50% of dhs take home pay each month. We survived the rest of residency but went further into debt and lived check to check. Another difficulty with kids in the city is getting around. Using public transport with a child & all their stuff is rough! I ended up staying mostly in our neighborhood with the occasional trip out. It really is a different city with kids! That said O liked all the stimulation & parks & such.

As well I was essentially a single parent. Dh was in a surgical residency so it was me only 24/7. If I was lucky I would get an hour off a week. It was also kind of isolating since most people use nannys & for the most part nannys don't mix with mommies.

It's doable but there are special hurdles in the city to consider.