Involving DH in parenting & Breaks

[blondie]

Excuse me if this has been asked before. I was wondering if any of you have found ways to involve your H in sharing some of the parental duties and/or giving you a needed break that have worked for you? I am struggling here lately. Handling the household + pt time wk is something I realize I handle because he works more. And, honestly most of the time I am ok, but I am finding myself feeling slightly resentful that I am doing all the waking up at night, bedtime routines, feeding (solids and milk), etc on the weekends, 9 months later. I didn't bother him 1st and 2nd year when he was really busy, but now that he has so much more time 3rd year and a much better call schedule, I am finding he still thinks of himself first (will go golfing with his residents) and never offers to pitch in with our daughter. I asked him if he could feed her solids so I could shower, and he responded "I don't know how." WTF? Anyone at least feeling the same way?

[diggitydot]

My response to a jackass move like, "I don't know how," would be to inquire how he made it through med school if he lacked the ability to learn simple tasks. But I'm a total bitch like that.

Seriously, "I don't know,"? Dude, WTF? It's not rocket science. Fucking learn. Or, I dunno, ask.

Here's the deal: the dynamic exists and only you can change it. You may have to do more than just ask him for help. Tell him you need help and ask him for his ideas in how he'll kick in so he's involved in the process. Having time set aside for doing something you enjoy is a good idea, too, even if it's just a walk alone or a freaking bath.

My guess is that the status quo has been running merrily along and he's either clueless or thinks it rocks entirely that he can effectively dodge helping out.

[Thirteen]

Excuse me if this has been asked before. I was wondering if any of you have found ways to involve your H in sharing some of the parental duties and/or giving you a needed break that have worked for you? I am struggling here lately. Handling the household + pt time wk is something I realize I handle because he works more. And, honestly most of the time I am ok, but I am finding myself feeling slightly resentful that I am doing all the waking up at night, bedtime routines, feeding (solids and milk), etc on the weekends, 9 months later. I didn't bother him 1st and 2nd year when he was really busy, but now that he has so much more time 3rd year and a much better call schedule, I am finding he still thinks of himself first (will go golfing with his residents) and never offers to pitch in with our daughter. I asked him if he could feed her solids so I could shower, and he responded "I don't know how." WTF? Anyone at least feeling the same way?

Sadly, sometimes the best intentions backfire. If you "shielded him" from parenting responsibilities to make life easier, he really doesn't know how to be the parent you want him to. I know that for many, there's intuition, but some guys just don't have it at all. I get that you're mad: I'd be mad, too (and I have been!), but you are probably going to have to instruct him here.

First, let him know that you feel overworked and ask for his help. Timing is everything here - do not go to him when you both are exhausted, and already grumpy. It won't work.
Most guys *LOVE* to know they are needed for help. Tell him specifically HOW he can help.

Second, if he responds with "I don't know how.", don't beat him up -- use it as a teachable moment. "I'm glad I can be here to help you learn." (Try not to say this in a condescending tone - that's SUPER hard).
Third, encourage him. You didn't get it right the first few (hundred) times, and he probably won't either. "I know it seems overwhelming, but practice/repetition is how I improved, too."

*hugs*

[ladymoreta]

It's an all too easy trap to fall into for any mom, but I think medical spouses are especially prone to it. The sooner you start getting him involved, the better! DH was taking the kids on outings alone when DD was just a few weeks old, so they're definitely capable of it, and you *need* a break.

My guess is that he lacks courage, either from simply never having the opportunity to figure out how to take care of them by himself or is there a chance that you sometimes correct him or insist that he do things a certain way when he's trying to help? That can be a huge blow to a guy's confidence, and we often don't even realize we're doing it.

Maybe you could start with having him take care of them when you go out for a short grocery store run. Then move up to a meal time, and eventually make sure he can handle an entire evening, including bedtime, so you can have a full night out.

It's hard to give up control, even though you completely trust him, and it's a daunting task for him if he's never done it. Talk, talk, talk about it, and let him know that this is important for you. You need time to yourself!

[Phoebe]

I agree with what the others have said. I have taken to give my DH choices. Do you want to bathe the baby and put her to bed or watch the older kids swim in the pool? Other times I just flat out ask. Your husband may think you dont want help. Crazy thought, I know.

[moonlight]

Don't take no or I don't know for a answer. I think you are totally right, it's time he start doing more of the hands on parenting. The golfing thing would have pushed me over the edge. Next time he has a day or afternoon off, have a girls day planned for you.

At the end of the day he is going to thank you for getting him involved. Your helping him be a better dad and that is a invaluable gift to him and your child.

[SoonerTexan]

Excuse me if this has been asked before. I was wondering if any of you have found ways to involve your H in sharing some of the parental duties and/or giving you a needed break that have worked for you? I am struggling here lately. Handling the household + pt time wk is something I realize I handle because he works more. And, honestly most of the time I am ok, but I am finding myself feeling slightly resentful that I am doing all the waking up at night, bedtime routines, feeding (solids and milk), etc on the weekends, 9 months later. I didn't bother him 1st and 2nd year when he was really busy, but now that he has so much more time 3rd year and a much better call schedule, I am finding he still thinks of himself first (will go golfing with his residents) and never offers to pitch in with our daughter. I asked him if he could feed her solids so I could shower, and he responded "I don't know how." WTF? Anyone at least feeling the same way?

I could have written most of this, though DH is getting better. I wish I could offer you some advice beyond talk about it and remind him how important it is for him to have that time with your kids regardless of what he is doing with them.

We've also started a "for every free hour you get, I get one too" rule that makes him think. He's wayyy in the hole on hours!

[blondie]

My response to a jackass move like, "I don't know how," would be to inquire how he made it through med school if he lacked the ability to learn simple tasks. But I'm a total bitch like that.

Seriously, "I don't know,"? Dude, WTF? It's not rocket science. Fucking learn. Or, I dunno, ask.

Here's the deal: the dynamic exists and only you can change it. You may have to do more than just ask him for help. Tell him you need help and ask him for his ideas in how he'll kick in so he's involved in the process. Having time set aside for doing something you enjoy is a good idea, too, even if it's just a walk alone or a freaking bath.

My guess is that the status quo has been running merrily along and he's either clueless or thinks it rocks entirely that he can effectively dodge helping out.

Bahahaha! Yes, I definitely called him out with a comment like that. You cut people's faces open and you can't throw some cheerios on a tray? We can be slightly sarcastic/joking with one another, but definitely not having it that day. Others have nailed it on the head with the fact that maybe he really hasn't been involved with her and is dodging certain things that he is uncomfortable with. Feedings and putting her to sleep are the major ones. I do have to try to take a step back and let him try his own way of parenting, even if it isn't the way I do it. I try to thank him etc when he does help, but I will try to pay more attention in my attitude. Something I haven't thought of recently.

I really appreciate all of your advice and input. I have been feeling like ever since he started the program, and especially now with a baby, it is always this competition of "whose day was harder?" I hate having the feeling I have to justify my day has been just as tiring as his. I question myself and wonder if I am asking too much or just being taken advantage of? And, I don't want to sit there and bark out orders either, but something has to change.

Another issue, which is my own, is that I don't have many friends here. Girls nights are hard to come by. I suppose I will just have to get out of the house by myself, for my own sanity and for him to practice being a dad without me being around to swoop in and take over. Sooner - the idea of trading time alone seems like a good one!

[hanginginthere]

We went through this and he finally admitted that he was nervous with her when she was tiny....finally, I started just handing her over and saying to not drop her on her head- he would respond that he could fix it- smart ass that he is....now he gets to work out after work for his time and he comes home and is on daddy duty and I hand her over...he keeps saying that none of the other guys at work are hands on dads like him and from the other wives there I know this to be true- I think he expects me to be wowed but not so much- my response is that he didn't marry someone who thought that caveman attitude was acceptable....hugs! And seriously, just hand him the kid, give him a quick run down on what to do and trust that baby will be fine if you go shower or maybe get a manicure- you need and deserve that time for yourself so take it when you can!