Toddler Doesn't Like Toys

[Ladybug]

I have an intense love-hate relationship with the TV and our family.

[L.Jane]

I give my kids a "crying spot" I tell them I understand they are upset and they need to cry, but they can go to their crying spot and when they are done, we can find something to do that we agree on (or finish the task they were asked to do). I then ask them if they want to pull themselves together or go to their crying spot. Most of the time they say they are ready to pull themselves together, but sometimes they go to their spot. Its just a safe place for them to be upset. My afternoon kids parents have me have their kids go to their respective beds. I have not had to do it with my morning kid yet, but when the time comes he has a big blue chair that I will use. I don't know how it would work with his age, but you can always try.

[MrsK]

He responds well to time out. Do you think I can put him in time out for crying/screaming, and he would get the connection? He didn't hit or throw anything during his tantrums this afternoon, so I froze and was at a loss.
I usually do one warning, then my "time out speech." I should have done time out today, but I didn't want him to think he was going into time out for crying, so to speak.

DH said we should put him in daycare, 7 days a week. He's *SO* helpful... *eye roll*

How old is he? Last Wednesday, K2 (18mo) was in the most horrible mood. Generally, he gets upset or his feelings get hurt and it takes him hours to recover. Daddy left for work and K2 lost it. First, he sat in front of the door screaming and crying for at least 30 minutes. He was inconsoleable so I just let him cry. Then, he got angry because I wouldn't let him play with my cleaning supplies. He followed me around screaming for another 15 minutes and then shut himself up in the bathroom with the lights off (no windows, pitch dark in there). I opened the door, he slammed it shut, I opened it again while he pushed on the other side of the door. At this point, I knew that he wasn't going to just recover from the tantrum and that there was nothing I could do to calm or distract him so I put him in his crib. Sort of like a time out but really just intending to give him a safe place to have his fit -- sort of like L.Jane's crying spot. After about 10 minutes, when he began getting quiet, I got him and rocked him in his chair while he calmed himself. Then, he went for the cleaning supplies again and I said "no" and he resumed his tantrum all over again. That time, I did not hesitate to return him to his crib. He calmed down much more quickly after that. He was still cranky and uncooperative for the remainder of the day -- pulling his hat over his eyes in the grocery and fussing at me the whole time -- but he did not have another tantrum. I do think time out is appropriate for obnoxious unreasonable tantrums; throwing yourself on the floor, screaming, slamming doors, hitting is not going to get him what he wants. If he cannot be civil and won't be calmed, he needs to go to his crib until he can pull himself together.

[ladymoreta]

Yes, we do time outs for tantrums, too. I explain to him that it's okay to be mad and sad, and it's okay to cry, but he doesn't have the right to hurt our ears. We put him in his room for a few minutes, and I keep an eye on him with his monitor. He's never been good at self-soothing (remember my horrific CIO attempt?), so I'll usually go check on him if he's been crying for about 5 minutes and ask him if he's feeling better and ready to join us. Sometimes he says no and stays a few more minutes. If he says yes and continues his tantrum, he gets the speech again.

[MrsK]

Also, I tell the boys that I cannot understand what they want when they scream/cry/whine/tantrum and that they need to use their words. K1 (3yo) nearly always composes himself long enough to tell me what he wants. If it's something simple that I can allow (for instance, he wants help putting on his socks), I help him and say, "Now, isn't it easier to just tell me what you want?" If it's something I cannot allow (he wants to do something destructive), I tell him no and why. If he continues his tantrum after that, then I ask him if he needs to go to his room to calm down (i.e. time out). He usually chooses to calm himself and move on. K2 (18mo) is starting to learn how to "use his words" too and tells me what he wants about 35% of the time now. Then I follow the same proceedure with him as I do with K1.

[alison]

13--that is a really tough age, I think. It's like they can really use the socialization with other kids or some sort of social outlet, but still don't actually play in that way (with others) quite yet. I'd say go cold turkey on the tv if you're really not happy with it. That includes you watching it while he's around and other screens, too...

We had a bit of a Wiggles problem for a while. Now I completely control what dd watches and when. I feel like when she's on a strict tv diet, she knows when and for how long she gets it (she watches 20 minutes in the morning as we're getting ready for school and 20-30 when I'm getting dinner ready).

[Thirteen]

After a lot of deliberation with DH last night, we have decided two things: 1) DS can understand a warning that involves choosing to stop whining/crying, or getting time out as a consequence (and delivering said consequence), and 2) We are moving our television from the living room into a spare room, temporarily, until we figure out a better solution. Out of sight, out of mind for DS.

(We moved it today, while he is down for a nap. I'm hoping this works...)

[spotty_dog]

We had a high-TV stretch of time when DS was that age. I was pregnant, he was demanding, and once he could play his own Bob the Builder (and complain SO loudly if he didn't get it!) it was definitely the path of least resistance. But TV time definitely begets bad behavior in this house. DS is getting aware of it himself (at age 6); he was TERRIBLE yesterday and as he finally started to calm down and we talked about how to prevent these problems, he pointed out that Grandma let him use iPod and iPad a lot while she was here babysitting that morning. "I had a lot of screen time," he told me. "Even though I promised to stop after 5 or 10 minutes, and I did stop every time Grandma told me, it was still a lot. I think that is why I'm getting so frustrated at everything now."

Anyway, as a toddler the thing that really broke the cycle was when we sold the old TV a few weeks before we moved and then moved to our new home where it's not in the main living area. Out of sight out of mind is definitely a good approach for our family, I hope it helps for you.

I never punished tantrums. I didn't allow them to sway my decisions of course, but I found that tantruming littles are in a terrible emotional state, and I felt like it was important to do what I could to aid them in getting back to a more level mental condition. There's no right or wrong here -- no one true way for darned sure -- and every child's personality is different, but a few years down the road I'm still glad for the decisions I made then. http://www.mothering.com/community/a/cry-for-connection

[civilspouse]

We don't have a TV in the house, but DS at age two was becoming obessed with the iPad and computer. We limited how much screen time he had, but he cried for it all the time. We moved all devices out of site for a while and after a while he did much better. Hopefully your plan will work.

[SuzySunshine]

The kids got Kindle Fires for Christmas and I have to say I LOVE their parental control app, FreeTime. I set how much screen time the kids get/day and once its used up it turns off. I expected meltdowns and we haven't had a single one. I wish there was an app like that for the TV.

[PrincessFiona]

Now that you moved the tv I'd suggest bringing a toybox into the living toom with legos and diff. Building blocks/cars in it. It might set the stage a little if he 'catches' you building a tower that he can help with... etc.

Kris

[SoonerTexan]

Alison that article is great!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Yes, thanks for the article, very interesting perspective!

[spotty_dog]

I found the article when my son was small, probably about the time he transitioned from having "baby fits" to throwing proper tantrums. I was so relieved to find a concise justification for the commiserating, connected way I preferred to handle his tantrums (as gleaned from multiple sources from Alfie Kohn to Naomi Aldort to Lawrence Cohen and more). I've linked it a ton of times since then, and always found wisdom in it when reviewing it before sending it on.

My mental visual has always been: when my child stubs his toe on a rock, I give him my calming presence to help him regain control over himself and work through the hurt. Why should it be any different even if it's the brick wall of mama's implacable logic that he's clunked up against? Mama's logic doesn't budge any more than the rock does, but mama's warm comfort can still be there.