Unexplained tantrums?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

So DD eats oatmeal for breakfast happily most mornings and I always prepare it the same way. This morning (and once/twice per week) for the last few weeks, she's spent all of breakfast screaming and crying and tantruming. Screaming NO NO NO and wailing. I have offered her other options - my breakfast, different fruits, a drink of milk or water, I've even made new oatmeal thinking it was too hot or too cold (I don't normally plan to give her 1000 choices but since I don't know what's wrong and she can't talk much, I want to try). When I try to remove the oatmeal (thinking that's what's wrong), she freaks out. She actually intermittently eats it while wailing NO NO NO, etc. The entire time, she does not gesture or point or ask for anything from her 60+ word vocabulary. To be clear, I'm not offering these options rapid fire because I don't want to overwhelm her and I have also asked "sweetie, can you point at what you'd like" or "what is wrong? do you feel upset?" or "do you feel sick". This went on for well over 20 minutes before I ended breakfast. Today (unlike other days), I even withdrew from the table for 2 minutes to see if she was just overstimulated and she continued right on wailing as if I was still there (I was around the corner but out of her eyesight).

She is generally a happy toddler and I'm shocked at this reaction, I don't know what to do. I'm used to toddler displeasure for a specific reason (we have to leave the park, no you may not touch that) but to see her SOOOO upset and not asking for/doing anything to indicate what she wants or needs, I don't know what to do.

Finally, at my wits end, I removed the oatmeal (further wailing) and we went upstairs to get ready for the day. I asked her if she wanted to shower with me or bathe, she wanted neither. She continued to scream and wail and cry. I tried to hold her and hug her, to rub her back, etc. but it did not help and she began hitting me in the face. I brought her lovey and closed the bathroom door so she couldn't escape and got in the shower. After a few minutes, I peaked out and she was holding her lovey and playing contentedly. When I asked her if she was ok, she said "Yes" and hung out for the rest of my shower. Now it's like nothing ever happened.

I'm baffled. And more than a little rattled since this has happened a couple of times (not on consecutive days, at least several days apart) and has also happened when DH is home although always at breakfast time.

Can anyone suggest an explanation? Or better yet, an approach for dealing with this? I want to be sensitive but I also don't want this to become a thing where Mommy desperately offers you everything in sight because that's clearly not the right answer here either. Please help! I'm trying to respond in a supportive way but without knowing what the hell is wrong, I feel like I'm out of guesses.

[MrsK]

Toddlers really do not need a reason to freak out. Sometimes their circuits just become over-heated, so to speak. Even if she knows what she wants, if you don't guess right the first time, she's forgotten what she wants by the time you make a second suggestion and that will overwhelm and frustrate her even if a few minutes have passed between suggestions. You really cannot expect a toddler to be rational, especially once the tantrum begins. When I was doing tantrum research in college it seemed apparent that the more the parent intervened, the more intense the tantrum became. Lately, the research is showing that they really cannot stop themselves until the tantrum has run it's course so I would just let it go. Tantrums usually have a pattern where there is a comfort/reconciliation phase after the sad/anger phase. Just be patient as she works through the sad/anger phase and then you can comfort and offer alternatives during the reconciliation phase.

[peggyfromwastate]

Yes... This is just part of the whole independence thing. Toddlers and young kids are super irrational at times.

I would do exactly what you did-- remove her to a safe place and let her self soothe. If that's not practical you can just do deep breaths for yourself in front of her, and try to get her to breathe along.

For older toddlers/preschoolers, If the tantrum progresses and becomes a huge deal, and you fear they will hurt themselves or others, You could try the therapeutic hold. I did use this tool. It was basically holding the tantruming demon on my lap facing forward (both of us Facing the same direction) and one arm of mine restraining the kids arms and the other holding the legs. It is hard but they struggle for about 30 seconds then most of the time would just relax and could eventually move on. I only had to do that with my very very strong willed kids--- I know with dd1 and only rarely with dd2 and ds2. Dd1 was always so dang independent. But she is AWESOME now at age 17!!! Truly very mature if not motivated by grades at all. Her personality is great, empathy great, loyalty superb... So the therapeutic hold (which seems very straight jacket like) didn't harm her apparently...

Hang in there!!!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

So I should just sit there and let her wail all of breakfast? Or ignore her?

And some attempts at soothing? Or no soothing at all? I don't want her to just think I ignore her when she's upset because obviously that's not the case.

I mean she was eating so I don't just want to end breakfast because she was clearly ingesting food in between banshee screams.

[MrsK]

I verbally acknowledge that my child is upset and then I wait it out. Sometimes it seems like the wailing lasts forever. Sometimes it stops as soon as he realizes he's not getting a big reaction. K2's favorite is to yell "I WANT IT!!" while crying and screaming but never pointing to anything or telling me what "it" is. This is a kid who uses words like "octopus" and "semi-circle" on a regular basis and he knows the names of every single thing in the house. He just doesn't know what it is that he wants. I end up telling him very calmly and sympathetically, "I know you want it but I cannot understand you when you are crying. We can talk about it when you calm down." Then I go about my business. If the tantrum escalates to throwing food or other destructive behaviour, then I calmly remove his plate and continue to go about my business until he settles himself.

[HouseofWool]

When my kiddos were about that age, I started teaching them a few ASL signs. It was amazing how much easier it was when they could communicate just a few basic things (we used: eat, more, milk (generalized for drink), and just a couple of others). I think was liberating for the kiddo to do something and get exactly the response that they wanted.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

She knows all those ASL words plus many more and can also speak/point just fine. I truly don't think she knows what she wanted. It was like breakfasting with a tiny demon.

So what you're saying is that I should just say, "I'm sorry you're upset right now. If you'd like to tell me what's wrong, I will help" and then just carry on eating/reading/cleaning the kitchen, whatever?

ETA: HoW...not dismissing the suggestion, I just don't know if more words is the solution, you know?

[peggyfromwastate]

Don't be afraid to skip a meal either. If you think she needs to be in her room to settle down, let her. If she can settle herself down in the high chair, fine. I guess I would hesitate to let the meal continue in the middle of a tantrum. If she is hungry later, you can give the next meal earlier or throw in an extra snack.

This is just what I would do. Usually for me a tantrum resulted in removing them from their activity until it was over.

[spotty_dog]

Happiest Toddler on the Block methods outline something like the validating/emotion coaching approach I prefer. I won't say I always do "caveman talk" the way he describes, but I do keep my verbal reactions very factual and terse.

As a parenting lecturer told my preschool families earlier this year, the corpus collosum is *just* starting to form at this age, but it's very tenuous. It will take years to form reliable connections between the right and left sides of the brain, and between the logic/language and emotional/artistic thought centers. In the meantime, strong emotion blows left-brained thinking completely out of the water, with the little one retreating to her familiar right brain as well as her instinctive "lizard brain" cerebellar fight/flight behaviors. During a tantrum your words mean absolutely nothing to her, expecting her to find words to explain herself is pointless, and it's even more pointless trying to apply a logical/left-brained thought process to rationalize her actions. As HoW suggests, sign can be a little more "native" to an overloaded toddler, and you can sometimes get your point across or get them to communicate with you if they can use their hands instead of their verbal skills.

So, in my house, I pay attention to the tantrum, and try to interject some validating words if I feel they'll be received. But ending the tantrum is not my goal; the kiddo needed to let off that steam, and I am there to make them feel heard, then to help them calm down with my reassuring maternal touch, and to help guide them to start identifying the emotions they're having and build toward more appropriate ways to deal with those emotions.

I share this article all the time regarding tantrums: http://www.mothering.com/community/a/cry-for-connection

[SoonerTexan]

Nothing to offer--listen to the other wise ladies--except that this behavior started for us more about 4-6 weeks ago and saw a recent uptick. I figured it was just toddlerness after awhile. My "will eat anything and loves fruit toddler" now wont touch peaches. No idea why. And wants food off our plate instead of hers. Or water out of our glasses"

The only other thing I can think of is to check and see if she is teething molars?

A recent breakdown happened while I was on a conference call on a Friday and I hate to lock myself on the porch from pissed off about everything toddler.

[MrsK]

So what you're saying is that I should just say, "I'm sorry you're upset right now. If you'd like to tell me what's wrong, I will help" and then just carry on eating/reading/cleaning the kitchen, whatever?

That's pretty much what I do. My kids are hyper-verbal so I know it's not a communication issue when they are throwing a tantrum. More likely, it's that they are tired or hungry which will become apparent as the tantrum runs it's course. (Hunger will be resolved when they pick up their spoons and eat the food that's been sitting in front of them. Sleepiness will become apparent when they start rubbing their eyes; Mine will usually ask for a nap at that point.) They are both very capable of telling me what they want and they know that they are both likely to hear "do you want to rephrase that?" if they pound their fists on the table and shout "GIVE ME MILK!" Also, they don't have the option of requesting a different meal if they don't like what is served. Either they eat it or they don't so if they are screaming because they want to eat cookies instead of cheerios, the answer is "I'm sorry you don't want cheerios today but that's what we're eating this morning." (All bets are off if Daddy happens to be sitting there eating cookies. Not fair to eat sweets in front of a toddler without sharing.) Basically, the approach is to be sympathetic but not to engage in a debate/argument or become emotional myself.

[Pollyanna]

Like you said, she probably didn't know what she wanted herself. Could be she was still tired or that she was starving and that made it hard to eat. At her age I would likely pick her up, tell her something like, "my love, mommy thinks you are having a rough morning and just need a break before breakfast". Then I would take her to another room and hold her until she calmed down. If she wanted alone time I'd put her in her bed and tell her to call mommy when you feel better. This is what I consider an "out of sorts" tantrum and one that should be handled differently than the, "I'm not getting what I want tantrum". Her age alone will make her a bit out of sorts. Hang in there mama, you did great!

[DCJenn]

We still battle epic tantrums when he's tired or hungry (which since it's breakfast is likely part of the problem).

We have also removed most choices from the meal times (I limit to a choice of two- cheerios or rice krispies/eggs or eggos) and we have a timer. If the time rings and the meal isn't done, it's removed and that is that. If he's hungry later, then he can finish the meal.

Our child psychologist gave us very sage advice- "stop talking to him like he's an adult. He's not." So, we did and it's worked wonders.

J.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Yes, we don't allow requesting a different meal either (or rather, we don't normally offer it since she can't verbalize that she'd like a different meal but we don't give in if she points out things around the kitchen). I was just at my wits end this AM.

I wonder about removing her to her room or letting her be by herself. While I agree that I don't think the meal has to continue with banshee screams, I'm not sure I just want to leave her be in the midst of strong emotions. This is partly out of sympathy/empathy and partly out of fear: I threw a rocking chair down the stairs at 4 years old when I was pissed off. So...she comes by her temper honestly at least.

[SoonerTexan]

Lol