Handling Toddler Separation Anxiety

[OrionGrad]

I take DS (18 mos.) to the childcare at my Barre studio every week, and we've never had a problem with separation anxiety until today. He just wouldn't let me leave. Once I finally did, he cried for about 1 minute (I was standing around the corner) and then got distracted by something else and was fine. If today was a fluke, then that's one thing. I just don't want it to turn into a regular thing, and I'm not sure the best way to handle the situation in the future.

So I guess I'm wondering, what's the best way to handle the situation when your child doesn't want you to leave? Should you run out and wait for distraction or keep playing with him until he says it's ok to leave, or something else entirely?

[scrub-jay]

I've never waited for a distraction and run, but I also never waited for permission. I usually gave a kiss a hug, tell her that I loved her and I'd be back in the afternoon. She'd cry occasionally, but recovered quickly. Then when I came back I'd say "see? Here I am, I'm so glad to see you" Just letting her know that I was leaving and I'd be back. It's harder on you than on him, I promise.

[OrionGrad]

Well I definitely don't think it's a fluke anymore. DH came home this afternoon and literally less than 5 minutes later he got called to come back to the hospital for something. DS immediately started crying when he left, which he's never done before.

I'm sure you're right about not waiting for "permission." If I start doing that, he may never let me leave.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I created a quick routine so they know when I leave - I don't think it's fair to do a bait and switch and run. But, I really don't linger because that never seems to help - it's not like I'm going to rationalize and then she will stop being upset.

I do, "mama is leaving and you're staying with Miss X to play and have fun with your friends. Mama will be back to get you soon. I love you. Bye bye".

[OrionGrad]

I do, "mama is leaving and you're staying with Miss X to play and have fun with your friends. Mama will be back to get you soon. I love you. Bye bye".

I like that.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I'm not going to lie, it's HARD to leave. But like I said, it ain't getting better the longer I hang out...

[Ladybug]

Our preschool teachers always suggest a brief, loving but firm good bye. They can pick up on the least bit of hesitation in your face or voice. I like the idea of expressing confidence in their teachers and new friends. You can tell them about something special you will do afterwards (read favorite book, etc.) for being such a brave boy. Have this discussion before going and the crying starts. The caregiver should help redirect them at separation time too with an activity, taking their hand, etc. It's their job to help.

It's just a phase. It will pass.

[spaz]

Yep, firm but LEAVE. My oldest did this from the time he was a baby until he went to kindergarten...it didn't matter if he knew the people or not. They always said that he quit a minute or two after I left. But he did it EVERY time. At 19, he is still a bit of a mamma's boy. But I had to be firm...trying to stay just lets it drag on forever. ( I witnessed too many of those in the nursery... I so wanted to say LEAVE, he will be fine!)

[ladymoreta]

I agree. I don't like waiting until they're distracted, because it can lead to them thinking you might disappear at any time. A firm, sweet goodbye, then leaving quickly works best. Hang in there - it comes and goes. DD has been having a hard time at preschool drop offs for the past few weeks, but she was doing great for most of the year. DS had a hard time for a few days after Christmas break.

[SoonerTexan]

N did that some. Made me feel shitty going to work, but I felt better when she would refuse to leave when I came to get her.

[OrionGrad]

Just hearing that it's ok to say goodbye and leave makes me feel better. It just felt wrong at the time walking away while he was upset, but if I know it's temporary and it's for his own good in the long run then it's worth it IMO.