How do you punish one without punishing both?

[SuzySunshine]

Dad is working this weekend, there is a family fun day downtown I told the kids we'd go to BUT they has to clean their playroom first. R has done most if the cleaning while A wonders around and either makes a bigger mess or does nothing. This happens a lot, R is my pleaser. So when the option of splitting them up isn't there how do you punish one without it hurting both or reward one without rewarding the one who doesn't deserve it?

[mommax3]

Special treat or spending money for R at the fun day, but not for A?

[Flynn]

Special treat or spending money for R at the fun day, but not for A?

Yes -- this was what I was going to say. I might also make A clean the playroom by herself to earn a future fun day.

[Pollyanna]

Ignore A's behavior but give R lots of praise. "Wow R, thank you for all your hard work!!! It is making it possible for us to go to the fun event. I think you'll need two scoops if ice cream because you worked so hard"

A may balk but just say to her that both you and she know that she did not contribute in a way you know she is capable of and next time she will work harder.

In the future, avoid these types if joint ventures if you know the outcome. It will make life a bit easier for you.

[diggitydot]

We do the "all or nothing", but our kids are a LOT older and know the consequences. If the requirement to do something fun is that everyone finishes X, they'd damn well better finish. If the requirement that everyone WORKS on X, then we do it so long as everyone worked to their ability.

[spotty_dog]

Mostly I try to avoid the reward/punishment dynamic altogether. We don't get special family fun time or withhold it just because of behavior, we do that stuff together because we enjoy each other's company. But in general, I ignore matters of fairness and treat them as a unit, with details to be negotiated between them. (I need you two to pick up. I need you two to set the table. I need you two to quit yer screechin'.) We get a lot of lessons in compromise and coercion around here.

[MrsK]

My kids are younger and I do as dd does. When we are finished cleaning, we can go. If the cleaning isn't done soon, it will be too late to go. My boys refuse to compete so if I praise one, the other just says well good for him and carries on. And if I reward one, he'll share with his brother so I have to do all or nothing. But they will work together for a shared reward.

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[diggitydot]

I think the vast majority of parenting techniques and when to employ whichever one has to do with the personalities in your family and knowing everyone's "currency".

[Pollyanna]

Mostly I try to avoid the reward/punishment dynamic altogether. We don't get special family fun time or withhold it just because of behavior, we do that stuff together because we enjoy each other's company. But in general, I ignore matters of fairness and treat them as a unit, with details to be negotiated between them. (I need you two to pick up. I need you two to set the table. I need you two to quit yer screechin'.) We get a lot of lessons in compromise and coercion around here.

This is good