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My Three Year Old

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  • My Three Year Old

    Ugh. K2 has turned on me. Since his third birthday in June he's been absolutely miserable. This has really come as a surprise for me because he's always been empathetic, eager to please, and restrained by nature. He's always been my reliable and sensitive kid, the counter-point to K1's craziness, the one who would burst into tears if I told him "no" too sharply or suggested that we were not going to be friends that day. The one I could trust to stay close at the zoo even if I didn't hold his hand.

    Now he's contrary to his detriment, hitting and taunting K1, being sneaky-mean to Lambie, he's demanding, having tantrums, yelling at me "RIGHT NOW!!!!!" all the time, he's sullen and says he didn't enjoy treats or outings even when he clearly did, running from me when I tell him to come, screaming in the car, he refuses to do anything I ask him to do and the only things that motivate him are food and TV. In a typical exchange, I'll ask him to get his shoes so we can go to the park. He'll respond that he doesn't want to get his shoes and he doesn't want to go to the park. Then when I say fine, we won't go to the park, he starts demanding to go to the park "right now." It's like this all day long. And he's very strong for his age so it's difficult to force him into the car/into time out or whatever. He acts like "I'm sorry" is a get out of jail free card and he can do whatever to whomever as long as he says he's sorry after.

    Also, he's absolutely refusing to toilet. The kid weighs 40lbs and blows out his size 5T pull ups every single day because he's just too big for diapers. He tells me when he's wetting himself, when he's about to poop, when he needs his diaper changed ("CHANGE ME RIGHT NOW!!!!"). He'll make me get up from dinner to take him to the bathroom, then refuse to sit on the toilet only to announce that he's soiled himself the minute I return to my dinner. I've tried making him clean himself and he just says things like "ooohh, this is nice! I like poop!" and makes a big mess all while grinning ear to ear.

    I'm sure that some of this is related to becoming a middle child and to K1's making progress this summer. K1 is maturing and has been so pleasant and helpful. Rather than wanting to emulate his brother, which he wanted to do in the past, K2 seems to be resentful that he has been displaced and there is a new rivalry between him and K1 (mostly initiated by K2). He's driving me nuts. What do I do?
    Last edited by MrsK; 08-18-2014, 09:55 AM.
    Wife and #1 Fan of Attending Adult & Geriatric Psychiatrist.

  • #2
    I think you're definitely on the right track that it's an attention grabbing mechanism for him. The only thing I can think of is to suggest trying some new "tricks". If you're currently using Love and Logic, switch to Happiest Toddler or Secret of Parenting. If you're mixing them up, just stick with one every single time. I've found that my kids learn the patterns for different discipline styles, and they start testing the boundaries. When I switch, it keeps them on their toes. FWIW, I've had the best, longest-lasting results with Secret of Parenting - going into the "waiting on the bus" stance and not engaging. They've learned that stance, and my facial expression that comes with it.
    Laurie
    My team: DH (anesthesiologist), DS (9), DD (8)

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    • #3
      Love Secret of Parenting. I need to re-read it!

      There's a reason that the term "threenager" has been coined. Also Luanne's saying, "Terrible twos, trying threes...f**ing fours." The best is yet to come? *cue maniacal laughter edged with insanity*
      Alison

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      • #4
        Originally posted by spotty_dog View Post
        The best is yet to come? *cue maniacal laughter edged with insanity*
        This made me die inside. Off to google that book...
        Married to a Urology Attending! (that is an understated exclamation point)
        Mama to C (Jan 2012), D (Nov 2013), and R (April 2016). Consulting and homeschooling are my day jobs.

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        • #5
          Ugh, the poop. I feel like I wrote that part, myself.
          I'm sorry MrsK -- we are navigating some of these same situations, too.


          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
          Wife to Family Medicine attending, Mom to DS1 and DS2
          Professional Relocation Specialist &
          "The Official IMSN Enabler"

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          • #6
            He is one smart pup! He has figured you out and knows how to push your buttons. My daughter is almost 11 and has been the same way since she was three. I use a lot of Love and Logic.
            Needs

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            • #7
              Originally posted by TulipsAndSunscreen View Post
              This made me die inside. Off to google that book...
              LOL. Every kiddo is different. I just really like Luanne's saying because it reminds me not to think that difficult phases are over just because my kid is a certain age. In particular, sometimes older kids means stronger personalities and brand new challenges ahead...parenting is an adventure at every turn!
              Alison

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              • #8
                But why can't it mean that they grow a frontal lobe and are more cooperative....*WHINE*
                Married to a Urology Attending! (that is an understated exclamation point)
                Mama to C (Jan 2012), D (Nov 2013), and R (April 2016). Consulting and homeschooling are my day jobs.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Phoebe View Post
                  He is one smart pup! He has figured you out and knows how to push your buttons. My daughter is almost 11 and has been the same way since she was three. I use a lot of Love and Logic.
                  He is! I've been using logical consequences but he is not persuaded. Right now, he carries his own diapers, wipes, and pants in a backpack when we go out because he refuses to toilet. It's got to be uncomfortable in the heat and it encumbers his play but he acts like it's an honor. If I tell him he is missing something fun because he's uncooperative, he says he doesn't care about missing it. Really a peach to be around these days. Please don't tell me he will still be like this at 11.

                  Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
                  Wife and #1 Fan of Attending Adult & Geriatric Psychiatrist.

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                  • #10
                    Sounds to me like he can't decide if he wants to grow up and be a big boy like his older brother or stay the baby like his little sister. He's lost his place and he can't decide what he's supposed to be doing.

                    I think I'd take some of the choice away and assign him a role as "little boy" OR I'd go with promoting the idea that everyone, even Lambie, is growing up and this is the step he's on in that pathway. If try to give him some defined role.

                    Obviously every kid struggles with the process of accepting more responsibilities and becoming a "big kid" vs being a baby, but it must be more pronounced when a new baby hits the family and you are suddenly "promoted" vs. gradually growing up.

                    Obviously, I was a middle kid. Hahahahaha. I feel for him. He will level out eventually, but is help him with the stress by deciding for him where he belongs. If he's waffling on choices, take them away so he doesn't have to make them. If he's feeling independent, support him in that process.

                    Obviously, this is not a published parenting method....just my lame advice!


                    Angie
                    Angie
                    Gyn-Onc fellowship survivor - 10 years out of the training years; reluctant suburbanite
                    Mom to DS (18) and DD (15) (and many many pets)

                    "Where are we going - and what am I doing in this handbasket?"

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                    • #11
                      Yesterday, he was attention seeking at the pediatrician's office. I'd brought Lambie in for her mysterious cough and K2 was literally climbing into the doctor's lap, insisting that the doctor "check up his hiccups" the whole exam. He even made a big show of being desperate to toilet so I had to leave the exam room to take him, only for him to refuse to go once we were in the restroom.

                      Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
                      Wife and #1 Fan of Attending Adult & Geriatric Psychiatrist.

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