The dramatic toddler - what to do?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

This is a plea for helpful/constructive thoughts. I realize I'm about to complain about a toddler's behavior so things like, "she's a toddler, this is normal" aren't helpful...I'm asking for advice.

D is 15 months. She's incredibly headstrong, demanding, and frankly downright whiny. EVERYthing means a protest and she will NOT be distracted. This is fine, this is all within the range of normal. The issue is that she's also incredibly sensitive. She gets genuinely offended and inconsolable when redirected, for a LONG time. She's basically no fun to be around because she alternates with trying to kill herself by hurling herself off the nearest dangerous object and screaming that I won't let her.

I am not sensitive. Neither is C or DH for that matter. Frankly, both of C and I just spend a lot of timing staring at here while she loses her shit over every damn thing. I need to know how I am supposed to react. My natural reaction, honestly, is to put her somewhere safe (usually on the ground in the kitchen where we have a small rug) and let her lose her shit while I go about my business. I have no time for this, get your self together. However, I do not want this to escalate and I certainly don't want to make her emotionally unhinged or something. All the attachment stuff says I'm supposed to hold her/comfort her/allow her to work through her strong feelings, etc. I want her to learn emotional regulation (I realize that it's a long ways off for a toddler...) and I'm unsure if giving it attention will help her get over it OR if I should just ignore her until she stops throwing fits.

It's kind of bizarre to have a 15 month old who has thrown 20x the times the number of fits than your 3 year old ever has.

[mommax3]

I would hug/cuddle/comfort briefly ("I'm sorry you are sad, but mom said no. I love you and hope you will choose to be happy soon.") and then do what you are doing...maybe even put her somewhere less public if that is an option. With that personality, I would spend time talking through a "script" of how to respond more calmly when she is upset, during times when she isn't upset, of course! It will get easier as she gets older and more verbal. Maybe try to find some stories where the main character is having a tantrum?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ladymoreta]

There was a study a little while back about tantrums (http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011...ct-the-screams). Basically, a tantrum is made up of both sadness and anger, and you can end them faster if you catch them during the sadness stages. That's when they're open to comfort and working through the issue.

I do a lot of staring during the anger stage, too. Any interaction at that point seems to make it worse. But when the sadness hits, swoop in with a hug and cuddle, and she'll probably be more likely to talk it through. Then we practice what she should have done, using her words.

My kids also responded well to discussing afterwards how they were "breathing too fast", and that's what made them lose control. We talk about how when they start feeling upset or angry, they need to make sure they're breathing slower so they can think about what they should do.

Both of my kids are very sensitive, and we have meltdowns after correcting them too sharply. I try to be completely unemotional about it, because they immediately cry if they sense I'm angry with them.

[spotty_dog]

I have never had a problem with comforting my emotionally out of control children and having that teach them it's good to be emotionally out of control. It's not good, it's a scary feeling! A mother's presence is soothing and regulating and helps them get a grip. Especially with the little ones under 2 who are really struggling with not being able to verbalize all that they experience, or who are using an irrational tantrum to kind of open the emergency valve on all kinds of emotions that had been building up.

I do have to read the child though. Sometimes they aren't ready to be touched. Usually I have to talk to them "Caveman style" a la Happiest Toddler to get through to them, naming the emotions to help them re-bottle them. And I never let myself get hurt, if someone's striking out I inform them flatly, "I will NOT permit you to harm me," and I either go in closer for an arm-trapping hug or get out of reach. But if circumstances allowed, regardless of whether touching or talking helped, I always gave them my attention during a tantrum and made sure they knew I was available for hugs if they were needed. Ending the tantrum was never the goal, letting the kiddo express the feelings and then reframe the feelings was the goal.

This approach might not be for everyone, and I understand it seems pretty woo-woo. But the point is that despite being pretty far on the extreme end of not punishing tantrums, I had kids who never tantrumed for longer than a few minutes and who controlled themselves very well by the time they were about 3; I certainly have never had a school-ager tantrum. So if you see distress in your little one and feel the need to soothe her, I'd urge you not to resist on the grounds of "encouraging that behavior!"

I like what LM says about helping the kids recognize their breathing. I'm reading up lately about biofeedback in dog training, teaching dogs to breathe slower instead of panting (yes, really!) in order to decrease their reactivity to the environment, it's cool stuff to recognize how physiology affects emotional states.

http://www.mothering.com/articles/cry-for-connection/

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Haven't read the responses, but thanks for writing this. Danger and drama is the name of the game over here too.

[SoonerTexan]

I have had good luck with the comfort them through it approach with N. Sometimes it amazing how well she responds. However it is harder to get MYSELF to do it instead of losing my shit. I don't know if it will work as well with the 2nd child though. BabyJ seems to be following the same feral path as your 2nd little one!

[OrionGrad]

We do the breathing thing too. I basically just pull J in for a hug when he's really freaking out, then pull back (with my arms on his shoulders) and tell him to breathe slowly. Then we do it together until he's calmed down.
Granted, J is 2.5 years old so he has more comprehension, but it works really, really well for us.

[Thirteen]

There was a study a little while back about tantrums (http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011...ct-the-screams). Basically, a tantrum is made up of both sadness and anger, and you can end them faster if you catch them during the sadness stages. That's when they're open to comfort and working through the issue.

I do a lot of staring during the anger stage, too. Any interaction at that point seems to make it worse. But when the sadness hits, swoop in with a hug and cuddle, and she'll probably be more likely to talk it through. Then we practice what she should have done, using her words.

My kids also responded well to discussing afterwards how they were "breathing too fast", and that's what made them lose control. We talk about how when they start feeling upset or angry, they need to make sure they're breathing slower so they can think about what they should do.

Both of my kids are very sensitive, and we have meltdowns after correcting them too sharply. I try to be completely unemotional about it, because they immediately cry if they sense I'm angry with them.

Good stuff - DS1 is like this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk