The Nanny

[SoonerTexan]

N has never really warmed up to our nanny. Lately, it's gotten worse and she will flat out tell me she doesn't like her. But I can never get a reason out of her. It's always, "I just want you." She has definitely been more clingy towards me in the past few months and I think she is reacting to how stressful the past few months have been. She likes being with her grandparents and aunties, but sometimes even wants me around when we go to Grandma's. It breaks my heart, but I think it is pretty normal. It's just the intense dislike of the nanny that has me bothered.

She's a friend of a family friend and has had a lot of childcare experience before. I wouldn't describe her as a particularly warm and fuzzy person, but I hired her because she honestly reminded me a lot of me when I was a nanny. I had fun with the kids, but I wasn't necessarily the "funnest ever babysitter." I was the one that was extremely responsible and made sure the children were well taken care of. When I was interviewing people, there were a few bouncy, bubbly people, but my biggest concern was how they would deal with a belligerent toddler and a screaming infant when I was gone. The girl I hired seemed to have the most maturity and sound judgement. It's not like she's mean either.

At any rate, I'm not sure whether or not to be worried. I've talked with N over and over about this and she can never tell me anything that the nanny specifically did wrong--she just enforced the rules and N didn't like it or she "just doesn't like her." N has been pushing boundaries a lot lately and I know there is a lot of "losing privileges" and time outs lately because the nanny tells me, and I've been having to do the same with her when I'm home. N tells me herself, "I didn't listen today." I've talked with the nanny about it and she says N is fine most of the time, she just has bad days sometimes and doesn't like to listen. I did ask the nanny to start using sticker charts and time outs as incentives/punishments vs taking about trips to the park, etc. because I thought that would help.

So I dont know. Do I worry? Pursue it further? There's nothing that's setting off a red flag except N. BabyJ seems totally fine and comfortable with the nanny.

[L.Jane]

It could just be a personality things. Not all kids and adults click. She may click with J and just isn't an N person. It stinks that N doesn't like her. I was the same type of nanny. We had fun, but we didn't watch tv or have junk food often. So the kids would tell me they wanted dad (who let them get away with pretty much everything). N has a very strong personality. She is cute as heck but may not like that the Nanny is a strong personality too. But I'm not there so thats just a guess.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Doesn't immediately bother me. My 3 yo is in the height of naughtiness too - she will just be like NO, I'm NOT going to do that and she'll tell you later that she was naughty. We haven't gone to any stickers or whatever because frankly I'm lazy and I'm not sure it'll work for her anyway.

How is she when someone besides you disciplines her? Grandparents or SIL? Is this just a reaction to "you're not my mommy" when she disciplines or is something not working? Do you like her otherwise?

I'm not really inclined to fire someone good on the like/dislikes of a 3 yo if I have no concerns because it is SUCH a PITA to find someone new/safe/well-recommended, etc.

[Pollyanna]

Hmmmm, I would immediately let her go but I would consider N's reactions. I would also invest in a nanny cam, not necessarily to catch her doing bad but just to make sure you're not missing anything.

And maybe she isn't a good nanny for a three year old. That age needs someone that can think three steps ahead. Threes are not bad children or purposely trying to be difficult. It's important their caregiver understand and know how to work with that age. Truly, if nanny is having issues everyday it's not all on N, it's just not. I've had 5 three year olds and one closing in and they have a distinctive development. Really, it's a hard age but there is so much awesomeness to it.

Make sure the nanny reads, "Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy" If she isn't interested in reading it and growing as a caregiver id let her go (cuz I'm a big pita like that).

Spotty-dog may also have another book recommendation, she always suggests great ones.

Good luck, nothing like an unhappy child to add more stress to your life!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I personally would not nanny cam my house without telling her I was doing it. If you have that many concerns, I'd let her go. It's just invasive and anything, ANYTHING can be misinterpreted unless you've got sound/multiple angles, etc. It's really not the same as being in the room with someone. That level of mistrust would make me too uncomfortable. I wouldn't want my employer video-taping me all day every day (as I type on MSN during billable hours)...Frankly, if I video-taped myself with my kids, I'd probably fire me sometimes...

[Deebs]

How much experience does she have with this particular age? Losing trips to the park as a consequence would really, really, really bother me. Kids need exploration and exercise. What are they doing instead of the park? Honestly, sometimes when sassiness kicks in is exactly when I say - change of scenery - lets go to the park, ice cream shop, library, etc. if the behavior continues there, we leave.


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[Thirteen]

The Nanny

Keep an eye on it and trust your gut.

At the same time... 3, man. 3 was trying because like Pollyanna said, you always have to be multiple steps ahead.


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[SoonerTexan]

The Nanny

I guess my concern is even if I found someone new, N wouldn't care. She repeatedly says, "I want you not X" so I'm not sure if she is going to respond to anyone differently. The long term solution is for me to stay home, but we aren't quite there yet.

A nanny cam really doesn't sit well with me, though I know I certainly entitled to use one in my own home. Maybe it is because I was a nanny at one point and I would have felt really uncomfortable if I had found out that was happening, even though I was doing nothing wrong. I dunno. It's irrational but it bothers me.

I also don't know if I could find anyone else easily. It took awhile to find this girl and I really didn't like my other options. The mom that was going to do it that backed out last summer would have been a disaster in hindsight and she seemed perfect at the time.

I dunno. Maybe she would be happier if she had more activities. She loves the lady who watches her Tues afternoon when the nanny has class, but I am 100% sure that is because it is on a short term basis in a house filled with toys and 2 little girls. Her previous caregivers all had kids. Maybe she is lonely and/or bored.

Mostly though, I don't have any other gut feeling that something is wrong. The kids seem happy when I come home, taken care of, and fed appropriately. The nanny listens to my directions, is really reliable, and generally just seems to be mature, responsible, and likely to make solid decisions. I never worry whether they are safe with her while I'm gone. Its just this thing with N.

My own experience may be coloring a lot of my feelings. I watched a 5 and 10 year old
back in high school and sometimes I see similar things happening where the kids intentionally or unintentionally "threw me under the bus" to the parents--the parents didn't get the whole explanation of what really happened and why made I X decision.

Like yesterday I wanted the nanny to take them to the library for toddler time. They clearly went because there were books, but N said, "we didn't go to toddler time." And the nanny said, "yes you did N, don't you remember, we did X." And N said, "but we didn't make a picture." So if I hadn't heard the whole story I might have assumed The nanny flaked out and didn't want to stay for toddler time but really N was just confused. I get that this is normal for a 3 year old. I feel like she would tell me if there was something really bad going on but maybe not? I've point blank asked her before.

I dunno. I want her to be happy, but I'm not sure how to really achieve that without throwing our lives up in the air and maybe ending up with a worse situation when I'm not sure what we have now is really a problem.
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[SoonerTexan]

Deb, I think you are right. I also realized that I hadn't done a good job of giving the nanny any way to discipline or reward N, though. Hence the sticker charts and time outs. I think she was just using the only leverage she had with her. And she needs something. We aren't crazy strict or totalitarian, but she is old enough to start learning consequences at this point and will totally run over anyone that doesn't set boundaries. Which I think is pretty normal for 3, no?


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[diggitydot]

The Nanny

There's nothing that you've described that would give me enough pause to fire the nanny, and I'm suspicious as hell by nature.

Kids don't have to be over the top in love with every adult they interact with.

[scrub-jay]

Totally normal ST. Boundaries are fantastic.

[gem]

I'd just keep an eye on it. My MIL is not a warm-and-fuzzy type, and much more reactive than we are in terms of discipline. Age three was tough, when it became pretty obvious to everyone that my son was just not that into her. I tried to be more proactive about giving her things to DO that would keep him out of trouble and prevent the acting out/punishment/pouting cycle, but mostly I think he just kind of grew out of it. By four he thought she hung the moon. Different personalities work better with different ages.

[MrsK]

It could just be a personality things. Not all kids and adults click. She may click with J and just isn't an N person. It stinks that N doesn't like her. I was the same type of nanny. We had fun, but we didn't watch tv or have junk food often. So the kids would tell me they wanted dad (who let them get away with pretty much everything). N has a very strong personality. She is cute as heck but may not like that the Nanny is a strong personality too. But I'm not there so thats just a guess.

This is my thoughts too. I have let sitters go that haven't been able to establish a good rapport with K1. I hate it because they are basically losing a job because my difficult kid doesn't like them but it's important that the sitter fit into our family. That is not to say that I keep indulgent sitters either. It's obvious when they are letting the kids get away with misbehaving too.

[GrayMatterWife]

There's nothing that you've described that would give me enough pause to fire the nanny, and I'm suspicious as hell by nature.

Kids don't have to be over the top in love with every adult they interact with.

I'm in this boat. Nothing sounds suspicious.

I am not as nice when it comes to sitters. I don't care if the kids like the sitter--I care that the sitter is responsible, reliable and trustworthy. If she's fun and nuturing, great. But the kids have to deal with my choice of sitter. I don't care if the kid would prefer me. I'd prefer to be in a bubble bath--sometimes life doesn't go the way of your preference...

But...that being said, I've never had a circumstance where I got a "bad read" on an experience with a sitter. My kids love any sitter they get and beg to know when she's coming back.

Pretty sure that, whatever the sitters do, it's more fun than me!

Go with your gut.

[SoonerTexan]

Update on this...it's going a lot better. We all had some time away (vacation), I feel better (I think the stress of the past couple months contributed), DH's schedule is better, and I've worked harder to make sure that she has stuff to do this summer and they aren't sitting at home bored.

The biggest thing, though, is we just stopped saying anything that might suggest there was something wrong with the nanny (as in, "Why don't you like Miss X?). Grandma was bothered by it more than me and was really grilling her on it too--I asked her to stop. N's a smart kid and I think she started thinking, "Well if mom and grandma think Miss X is bad, then maybe she is"

DH also came home really early unannounced a few times (got off early) and said everything was totally normal and the kids seemed happy.

So hopefully it was just a phase.

Since then...not a peep about the nanny and she seems happy when she comes.