Toddler parenting and discipline

[MsSassyBaskets]

Ok parent friends, we have officially reached toddlerhood. It was a little ambiguous for a while there, but last week DD started using walking as her primary mode of transport, and at the same time decided that it was time to start being a giant pain in my ass.

So what are your favorite books, resources, and other suggestions for dealing with a fussy young toddler? I've read the Happiest Toddler and have enacted the toddler speak when needed, but it doesn't always do the trick. I'm realizing I need to do some environmental modification, because some tantrums are my own fault (leaving the pacifier in plain sight so she whines for it, expecting her to have self control and not just grab everything I leave sitting on the end table, etc.). But I'm also getting fed up with the mischief like throwing food or sippy cup on the floor and then grinning when I say "no, no". All run of the mill toddler stuff.

I need more tools in my toolbox. What are your favorites?

[scarlett09]

Following!


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[Thirteen]

Love and Logic, modified



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[spotty_dog]

Ah, those halcyon days when they're mischievous and mobile, and able to scream and cry their frustration -- but are not really at the terrible twos or trying threes yet.

Happiest Toddler is terrific, and about the best toddler-specific resource I know. I believe I enjoyed Secret of Parenting at that age. It doesn't have a ton for the age group, but it does give you kind of a road map going forward. Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles has some stuff you can apply to baby tantrums. I probably read How to Talk so your Kids will Listen at about that age, as well as Parent Effectiveness Training.

In other words, I all-too-well remember hitting that toddler stage and going, "What do I do now?!" LOL. My reaction, clearly, is to research the hell out of things -- I probably went through every parenting book at the library. Good luck! This stage is so fun as they are becoming people with their own personalities and opinions!

[SoonerTexan]

Every so often I go back and refer to a book called The Science of Parenting which sort of breaks down what is happening biologically in their little heads. Mostly it is redirection though. At that age they just don't quite have the ability to get stuff like time outs yet (I mean somewhat, but just not quite to the point where they are an effective use of time) Mostly it is "you are losing your mind, let's do something else." My two year old is especially fond of rocking in his bedroom when he goes full meltdown. Even he knows he needs to sometime now.

Sounds like you are already on that track though. Good luck. I've found when it is get especially horrendous, it is usually a 2-3 week phase and then they are much calmer. Usually coincides with more language or a new skill, they're just giant babies


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[oceanchild]

This isn't discipline exactly, but we did a lot of "calm your body down" (that language must have come from daycare). It got to the point where he would go running to his bed when he was mad, saying "I need to go calm my body down!"

It's only in the last few months (so, 2.5) that time outs have started to sink in as a discipline strategy. And even now we have better luck threatening to take things away. How's that for a strategy?

I should probably read some of these books too.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Ahh, so many great things to look up already! I've been sick with an awful cold plus allergies this week, and just totally exhausted, so I've found myself with a short fuse. So I need some discipline just as much as she does! I'm having a hard time with a lot of things that are developmentally normal, and wouldn't otherwise bother me, but she does them when we really need to be doing something else. She'll whine and try to escape while I fix her hair, but as soon as I'm done and we need to head out the door she'll want to "fix" her hair herself and will mess it all up by dragging her brush through it or pulling out her pigtails. At bedtime she will want to play with all the things and then throw a fit when I put her toys away. She'll get mad when she wants to put on her old shoes but I put the new ones on because they're not muddy... etc. Very typical everyday things, really, but when these things are happening 20 million times a day I'm starting to lose my cool. So most of what she's doing is completely understandable... maybe I'm actually looking for parental discipline tricks, haha!

[MrsK]

It's been different with each toddler! For K1, I had to bring in professional help due to his developmental delays that we were only just discovering. It was awesome being the apparently inept mom whose toddler had 90 minute tantrums and for whom nothing worked. K2 used to crumple up with grief if we told him no so we had to be very gentle in our redirects. Ironically, he's the most difficult of my children now, prone to angry outbursts when he's disciplined and emotionally demanding. He really takes it as a personal rejection when I tell him no. So far, Lambie is the most reasonable of my toddlers. She gets into mischief and has her moods but she's the easiest to redirect. It's really trial by fire.

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[Pollyanna]

I'm a big fan of How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and the Piaget series, Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old and so on. But my biggest advice is "redirect and ignore". There is a reason they do the drop game with their cups and bottles. They are not trying to be "bad" and making something like this a fight will do nothing but make everyone crazy. So for something like this I may or may not play along but when I'm done and need the child to be done I'd simply say, "all done now" which will lead to more throwing and laughter by said child. Then I'd remove them from the high chair or table and say, "all done now" and then move on. The toddler will very likely freak out, that's OKAY, its how they communicate. Now is when the ignore part comes in. And you are not just ignoring the child's reaction but you are learning to ignore your own frustration. Mastering ignoring your OWN frustration will be HUGE when you get to the mentally exhausting point of parenthood. Trust me on this. Folks will tell you discipline discipline, discipline, and yes, you do need that but mostly kids need to be redirected and not allowed to use their tantrums to elicit a response they want. Anyway, so while said toddler is freaking out try to simply move forward, talk to your child about what you are doing, "wow, mom is sad you are upset but I'm going to start cleaning up the kitchen now" and just keep at it. Some kids will catch on quickly and others can't so easily be swayed. But you WILL get there, I promise!!

MrsK brings up an excellent point! Each child will respond differently and you can modify this system in small ways to work for every child. Because DD3 has SPD and ASD she has meltdowns which are different than tantrums and need to be respected as such. That does not ever mean her expectations are any different than I have for dd7, or and of the other kiddos, it simply changes how I redirect and ignore.

The more you can make these two steps work and the more you can increase the amount of time you can stay calm without completely losing it (because we ALL lose it from time to time) you will find the less you have to discipline. If you are finding yourself discipling all the time then try to take a step back and see when you can redirect and ignore. Of course things like running in the street, refusing to hold hands, ALWAYS require quick discipline but for the most part nothing else does at that age.

I'm sure you're doing great! Be good to you, parenting little people is hard work!!

[niener]

following... since M turned one today and celebrated with an epic scream fest at nap time...

[Thirteen]

I am perfecting the "glazed over" response.
😆


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[HouseofWool]

I found that teaching a handful of simple signs also helped tremendously. It gave them the power to verbalized their needs/wants but didn't slow down speech at all.

Above all? Be consistent. Figure out what your long term expectations are and begin working towards that goal.

[ladymoreta]

Great advice! I'll second The Secret of Parenting. That has been my favorite parenting book. I also liked the one by the same author about siblings, Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!

[spotty_dog]

I agree with Kris about sign language, I always felt like it was easier for my kids to find a sign than a word when they were getting upset.

And this article also seriously made a difference for how I parented the more emotional tantrums of slightly older kids. http://www.mothering.com/articles/cry-for-connection/

I haven't seen "Inside Out" but it's my understanding that the moral is that sadness isn't failure, it's part of the package of emotional health? To this day I never try to stop my children from being sad or upset, I just do my best to give them tools for coping (lots and lots of hugs!)

[MrsC]

I don't really have anything else to add. Great advice here as always. Redirects worked very well for us at that age, and ignoring tantrums.
I will be reading a couple of those book too though. We're having a lot of issues with running off and not listening in public. I'm terrified of it as I get bigger and slower.

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