Kid planning/ spacing

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Thank you everyone, this is amazing. You've given me a great idea of what I'm in for and what to consider. So much to weigh! Luckily we'll only be making the decision once, since we're settled on 2 kiddos!

If you're settled on 2, I would highly recommend 3-4 years of spacing. My experience is that it's harder the closer they are together (worth it, but harder). My oldest ADORES and plays with her younger brother where my middle and her brother are still figuring it out (2.5 years apart). At 3-4 years, they sort of get it that a baby is needy and have some capacity to wait a tiny bit.

[gcuthbe1]

If you're settled on 2, I would highly recommend 3-4 years of spacing. My experience is that it's harder the closer they are together (worth it, but harder). My oldest ADORES and plays with her younger brother where my middle and her brother are still figuring it out (2.5 years apart). At 3-4 years, they sort of get it that a baby is needy and have some capacity to wait a tiny bit.

Wellll but since they'll only have each other I want them to be very close! I adore my siblings and my older brother is 27 mo ahead and my sister 22 months behind. My little brother is 3.5 years younger and despite my efforts we've just been in too different of life stages to truly be close.

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[civilspouse]

Wellll but since they'll only have each other I want them to be very close! I adore my siblings and my older brother is 27 mo ahead and my sister 22 months behind. My little brother is 3.5 years younger and despite my efforts we've just been in too different of life stages to truly be close.

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Totally understand this but just wanted to throw out there that the spacing isn't always what makes the difference in the relationship. I am much closer now to my sister who is 6 yrs older than me than I am to my sister who is 3 yrs younger. We just get along better and have more in common. 2 year spacing has it's advantages though. They would be going through similar stages together and I think it's easier to find activities that fit them both when they are close like that.


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[alotofyarn]

My two get along pretty well so far, especially now that C is getting more interactive. Hubby and his older sister are exactly 2 years apart, and they get along really well still, so I'm hoping it will sort of be the same for my kids. My twin sister and I are fairly close, but my 3yo younger brother and I aren't - never really have been. I think so much of kids getting along is sort of random and depends on so many things.

[MrsK]

If you're settled on 2, I would highly recommend 3-4 years of spacing. My experience is that it's harder the closer they are together (worth it, but harder). My oldest ADORES and plays with her younger brother where my middle and her brother are still figuring it out (2.5 years apart). At 3-4 years, they sort of get it that a baby is needy and have some capacity to wait a tiny bit.

Same here. 4yo loved the baby immediately and still does 3.5 years later. The 2.5yo was jealous and he still doesn't like her all the time. Not only is he upset about dividing my attention, but he's really annoyed that his brother/buddy is dividing his time too. She's an interloper.

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[MrsK]

Wellll but since they'll only have each other I want them to be very close! I adore my siblings and my older brother is 27 mo ahead and my sister 22 months behind. My little brother is 3.5 years younger and despite my efforts we've just been in too different of life stages to truly be close.

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This isn't always the case. I'm the oldest of 3. One brother is 20 months younger and one is 4 years younger. At different times in my life, I've been closer to one than the other.

When the middle married, the youngest and I were single and in law/business school nearby. We used to hang out all the time and had overlapping social groups. I ran into him everywhere.

When the oldest and my husband became doctors, I was closer to the oldest brother and the youngest was the odd man.

Now, my brothers have wives who get along well and I'm the odd one. I imagine the balance will shift again once mom moves here. I already feel it since the younger brother has a different approach to mom than the elder and I do. There is just an ebb and flow

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[gcuthbe1]

Really good points that it can just be personality, which of course cannot be controlled. My SIL brought this up to me today too, as she has a sister 2 years younger and they don't get along at all. As an adult I'm close with my cousin who's almost 10 years older, but as children we hardly interacted. Sigh, this whole family "planning" thing is very difficult for me as a control freak. Guess it's just another piece of me learning patience and to just let it go. DH still prefers the "God method" but given that I've had my period since 7 weeks post partum I'm not too keen.

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[Flynn]

Parenting is a leap of faith. You jump and the rest you have very little control over. Try not to over think it.

Curve balls in life are not necessarily bad! I am laughing at myself as I write this. Since residency/training was SO unpredictable in my DH's speciality, I tried to control what I could. I was such a freak about things. I wish I had tried to enjoy the ride a little more. I have compassion for myself back then but I've learned a ton and most of what I've learned really stresses the journey rather than the outcome. Yes that sounds VERY crunchy but as a recovering control freak I have walked in your shoes.

I know very few people who planned each pregnancy. I think I know one couple....? Maybe not even one. I was "medically unable" to have more kids after my first two and low and behold.....I got pregnant with #3!!!

Good luck on your journey!!

[MsSassyBaskets]

I have one who is 2.5 right now, and it's looking like if we have another it will be 3.5-4 years spacing. I always thought I would have started trying for #2 by now, but #1 is lobbying hard for being an only child. I had a sudden, somewhat traumatic c-section when she was 5 weeks premature, she didn't sleep well for over a year, and she's been hospitalized several times for respiratory illnesses, so it's not been an easy run. Now she's in a heavy tantrum stage, and we're nearing the fellowship match and aren't sure if we'll be moving in 9-10 months. However, at 2.5 I can see the light - she's turning into a real little person, she can be very rational at times, and she gets easier and more independent every day, so as soon as we know the results of the match we'll likely go for it again (or wait a few more months if we have to move). Parenting largely solo during residency while also working full time was probably the main factor - I would not have been able to logistically, physically, mentally, or emotionally handle another infant during the last couple years, and because of my daughter's hospitalizations, DH can't take any more unscheduled time off - down to the day - before residency graduation or he'll have to make up time somehow. So all that is to say... life gets in the way. I'm a control freak too, and it's been hard. But life is getting easier by the day, and I'm glad I have time to enjoy my emerging little person at this age. It'll work out.

[gcuthbe1]

[MENTION=961]Flynn[/MENTION] haha thank you I appreciate that! loving the term Recovering control freak!
[MENTION=4001]MsSassyBaskets[/MENTION] totally agree it's tough to plan on a baby when you don't know where you'll be living and can't picture it. We had planned to wait until match to start trying, and then didn't match. We started trying anyways and to be honest it worked out incredibly well, with DH finding something this year that has been a much better schedule, allowing him plenty of time to enjoy being a dad, and able to help me out!

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