Help with 7 yo anxiety

I am so hoping I can type out all of this coherently while Anna is "playing" with Evie.

I'm not sure if anxiety is really the correct word -- maybe worries, being too hard on oneself, I don't know.

I think I posted a few weeks ago that Bryn had a hard time falling asleep because she was trying to solve math problems that were too hard for her, especially past bedtime. (I didn't know she was doing math, I thought she was reading). By that time, she was over-tired and had herself wound up but still she has a hard time not finishing something or feeling like she didn't do it all exactly right. I think I solved this by saying no school work or anything, other than reading, after 6:30 at night.

Last night she was having a hard time sleeping because she was generally afraid of getting in trouble with her teacher. If her teacher were a yell-y, orge-teacher type, I could see that. But she is a sweet and mild woman. I have heard this from other people and last year saw her interact with her students when I was volunteering (classrooms were across the hall from each other). I talked to the teacher today about it. Bryn is doing fine in her class. Her table gets a little too chatty but nothing out of the ordinary. There are a few kids, two or three, who are really tough and the teacher told me she has had to raise her voice with these specific kids and carry through with various consequences.

I think what is going on is that she really likes her teacher and wants to impress her and is afraid that a misstep on her part will lead to the more severe consequences these other kids are facing.

How do I tell her that if she does get in trouble, it is ok? Not ok -- but not the end of the world -- and that in general, we can't be perfect all the time? There have been other instances similar to this, the above is a most recent example. Sometimes she doesn't like to try things if she isn't going to do it the way she likes.

:huh:

And her sister is so different than this! Ask forgiveness not permission is her motto. :huh:

[mommax3]

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

Tell her stories about when you were little and you got in trouble, but things turned out okay in the end. This has been our #1 way of helping our boys deal with anxieties about school and friends. Even now, when my 12 year old is dealing with a troublesome situation, he will ask us if anything like it ever happened to us when we were young.
Also, you may want to mention to her that you chatted with the teacher and the teacher mentioned that there are some kids in her class that are pretty rowdy, and ask Bryn what those kids are doing, and in the conversation that follows let her hear that the teacher is specifically making consequences for THOSE kids, not other kids (like Bryn).

I hope this helps.


Sally

[alison]

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

That is great advice, Sally.

I clearly remember when I was 7. It was a rough time for me in so many ways (my mom was pregnant with my brother and I was a big girl in 2nd grade). Just keep in mind that it is a very stressful time for kids. They are super aware of what is going on around them and they want to be successful at everything they do. Especially school.

[houseelf]

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

Ah, some of us are hardwired to worry. Brynn is so lucky to have you thinking and asessing this quality early on. My mom has been instrumental in keeping me on an even keel. Sometimes I wonder what other path I might have taken if I had a flakier parent or been in a different situation.

I know that you have read Gurian's work, and I'm sure that you probably already do this, but make sure that you praise Brynn for her effort and not results. This way, she won't place internal pressure on herself to be the "Smart Kid" or the "Best Behaved Kid". Some kids are more prone to these internal classifications.

I enjoyed your comment regarding the differences between your two children's spirits. There is no WAY you can possibly parent two kids the same way because they have such different needs developmentally. I could write a novela about this, but I'll stick to what you asked. I would also advise the teacher of Brynn's sensitivity to avoid a situation like poor Ryan (Heidi's son) had to endure.

Best of luck. Parenting is not for the faint of heart my friend.

Kelly

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

Not having a seven year old, or a girl (and my boys following more of Anna's way of living) I don't have much to offer. I'll just say that Ernie's "Everyone Makes Mistakes" popped into my head when I read your post.

I've a special secret children ought to know;
It's about the little mistakes you make as you begin to grow.
If you make a mistake, you shouldn't start to cry.
Mistakes are not so bad, and here is why:

Oh everyone makes mistakes.
Oh, yes they do
Your sister and your brother and your dad and mother too;
Big people, small people, matter of fact, all people!
Everyone makes mistakes, so why can't you?

If you make a mistake while counting to ten,
Well don't get mad and don't be sad;
Just start to count again.
And if you should only get to eight or nine,
I'm still your friend and I still like you fine,

'Cause everyone makes mistakes.
Oh, yes they do
Your sister and your brother and your dad and mother too;
Big people, small people, matter of fact, all people!
Everyone makes mistakes, so why can't you?

If you spill a glass of milk all over the floor,
Well, your mom and dad still like you just as much as they did before,
'Cause when Mother and Dad were just as small as you,
I'll bet that they knocked their milk over too.

'Cause everyone makes mistakes.
Oh, yes they do
Your sister and your brother and your dad and mother too;
Big people, small people, matter of fact, all people!
Everyone makes mistakes, so why can't you?

If everyone in the whole wide world makes mistakes,
Then why can't you?

My mom used to belt it out to me, and it always made me feel better.

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

Thank you, guys! This is a huge help.

I did talk to her teacher today and she talked to Bryn. I talked to her about it too -- along the lines of pointing out the rowdy kids and it seems to be ok. But she does seem to be hardwired to be more prone to this direction of thought. She comes by it honestly.

Tara, that is such a cute story.

Great ideas. Thanks again!

[Meenah]

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

This makes me think about birth order characteristics. My first is driven and a perfectionist. My second is a "fly by the seat of her pants" type. They always have been.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

How do I tell her that if she does get in trouble, it is ok? Not ok -- but not the end of the world -- and that in general, we can't be perfect all the time?

You tell her just like that, Nellie. I have a high-strung kid too. He's in 7th grade now and is still freaky about his assignments and exams. I have to tell him that the grade doesn't matter...it's that he did his best work....a lot.

Look on the bright side....maybe she'll grow up to be a surgeon :>

just kidding.

It's tough, I know.

Isn't if funny how kids can also be so individual. I'm amazed by the differences in my children's attitudes and ideas about school and life in general.

Hang in there....

Kris

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

Look on the bright side....maybe she'll grow up to be a surgeon

just kidding.

Gee, thanks, Kris.

I guess I should have said how do I convince her but I think that takes repeated efforts as there is no long-term convincing at this point.

[houseelf]

Re: Help with 7 yo anxiety

There is a great song that comes to mind too. I don't know the artist or title but I've heard it a few times. It goes "Make a Mistake for me today" and then advises to take some risks worth taking. I'd play this on loop as loudly as possible in the car.

kelly