help me give a good answer to my DD

[Flynn]

I hesitate to post this but I really would like some feedback.
Please don't think this is a shameless brag... (PLEASE!). Since my daughter is almost in Kindergarten, I thought posting here would be okay.


So here's the situation. Whenever we're in public (I'd say 65% of the time) a stranger comments on DD's physical appearance. More specifically, they say she's "beautiful, stunning, or make WOW comments."


She's started asking me WHY people she doesn't know tell her this and it's become a little embarassing for her. It's a reasonable question -- one I've had a bit of trouble giving a complete answer. We can be with friends at a park (all girls) and other parents comment on HER.

It's confusing to her and I'd like to help her put this in perspective.

How do I respectfully down play my five and a half year old's "looks" as less important than character, generosity towards others, and intelligence without making her self-conscious about her appearance?

I'm a pretty confidant mother generally and this has really thrown me off balance. I don't want to give her the wrong message. Of course I think my child is beautiful -- but I NEVER compare her to other kids!!! The frequency of how often strangers approach me about my daughter's appearance is shocking to me.

Help. :anyolne:

[SuzySunshine]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

Flynn, that's a really hard one - I think even as adults when people say things like "you look nice" we shrug it off or say "this old thing". Compliments are hard to take and to understand for a child.

Can you explain to her that everyone looks different and that some people focus on external looks. Maybe that you and DH think that the way you treat people and the things you do are what people will remember you for. Then maybe give her a simple response like thank you.

I'm just trying to throw out ideas that maybe will get everyone's minds flowing since you've had so many views and no responses.

I think its very responsible of you to ask for help with this issue. Good luck.

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

Wow. I can see why you'd be worried. Maybe next time she asks, you can feed her some info about what to think when people make comments. On a 5-year old level: There are lots of things that are beautiful (flowers, birds, etc.), and it can cheer people up to see beauty. A smile is beautiful, and that can make others feel special. There are other things we can't see that are beautiful, and many people have those types of things - like the ability to make music or make a sick person well. We should comment on those things in other people. (And then point out a gift that she has that isn't related to outward beauty, and how hopefully people will see that as they get to know her.)

I don't know... this is just off the top of my head.

[alison]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

I'd just say "thank you, that's nice of you to say." Is that bad???
Before I lived in Germany and I'd get the "you look nice," "those are great shoes" comments, I would stand there embarrassed and say something to try to brush the comments off.

It turns the focus back to the person giving the comment.

????

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

DD gets this a lot about her hair. I think a simple thank you is a sufficient response. She has also asked why people "talk about her hair" so much. I've told her something along the lines of -- people like curls, yours are very nice, and along the lines of what Deb said, complimenting people can be a friendly thing. BUT, there is more to her than curls and it is just what people see because they can't see what is inside.

Sometimes people say weird things like "I want your hair" which is freaky to a young kid (maybe an older one too!). I'd probably say something right then about how they are just kidding.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

Along the lines of Tara's comment:

Next time, when someone says this to you in front of her, smile and beam down at her and say, "Oh, what we love the most about her is how beautiful she is on the inside! But then, all my kids are like that. We are so blessed. Thanks."

[DCJenn]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

I like the low key approach best-


Teach her to say thank you (I'm sure she does anyway!) and just move on.

As for the 'why" I like the answers everyone else has come up with- something like it makes people happy to see a little girl who is as pretty on the inside as she is on the outside. Something that a 5 year old would understand.

We get this ALL the time with the dude but I guess it's different because he's a boy, they tell me and not him. It's an awkward position to be in because like you said, of course I think he's fabulous...but it's odd. I mean, even if I had given birth to him, I still would have had nothing to do with how he turned out! Genetics being what it is, we all know people who look nothing like their families.

It's an odd sensation to know that people are looking at your child. One of my mom's friends even told her that Nikolai was SEXY. He was 3!!! Lord, help me.

Ok, sorry for hijacking the thread.

Jenn

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

"Oh, what we love the most about her is how beautiful she is on the inside! But then, all my kids are like that. We are so blessed. Thanks."

I like this response!

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

One of my mom's friends even told her that Nikolai was SEXY. He was 3!!!

WTF??? I think I would have bought her a dictionary. She could not possibly have meant that. How completely inappropriate. Seriously, I think that would have been my line in the sand: "You can't be serious. That's not a word appropriate to describing any child, even as a joke." Kudos for you for keeping your cool.

The whole thing gives me the "ewwwwww, ickkkkks."

[DCJenn]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

I'm hoping that she meant something along the lines of "he's going to be trouble when he's a teen."

I was rather taken aback to put it mildly.

Jenn

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

I mean, even if I had given birth to him, I still would have had nothing to do with how he turned out! Genetics being what it is, we all know people who look nothing like their families.

We get that a lot, too. Or the "you're going to be in trouble when he's a teenager". I've already had people commenting on how gorgeous our daughter is going to be. It's so funny to me, b/c no one thinks dh or I are particularly hot, it's just the mixed race baby and how "exotic" it is.

As to the original issue, I like the responses so far. I say "Thanks, we think so." My boys don't ask about it, though.

[Vanquisher]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

We get it all the time with Lexi, but she just says. "Yup, I am adorable. I'm pretty and cute and funny and smart and hilarious."

She handles herself well for a 4-year-old, that one! I tell her that she's remarkable in so many ways all the time, so I think she's just used to it. If there is anything we need to work on with her, it's a little humility. I like the other responses to this thread. I would just probably handle it by saying things to her that people can tell that she is beautiful inside and out.

[Meenah]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

What everyone else has said.

My advice: CALL AN AGENT!

[poky]

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

I don't have any advice myself, but this seemed interesting:

http://www.idahostatesman.com/1276/story/226422.html

I hope you can help keep her from absorbing the idea that her looks are all that matter.

Re: help me give a good answer to my DD

Great post, Sandy!