WWYD

[MDPhDWife]

As many of you know the relationship with my oldest DD's father is full of constant conflict. DD is very athletic and has a lot of interest in sports which I have to limit because of money (he won't financially support anything, so I have to cover the entire cost) and the fact that she will only be able to attend about half the time since he refuses to take her to practices/games.

Well the 3rd year of soccer season is rolling around and the parent meeting is tonight. When I emailed X to let him know and give him the oppotunity to attend, his response was that he will only try to get her to her practices/games on the conditions: 1) I not sue him for any money related to the cost, 2) I agree not to attend her games on his weekends because he'd rather not see me, 3) DH and I agree to not volunteer in any way in terms of coaching, asst coaching, and team parent (all of which we've done in the past).

The last year of soccer was tough on DD because she knew when she went to her dad's that she was missing her games and of course the team suffered because they were down a player every other week. I really want her to get the most benefit out of this experience, but this just seems like yet another way he's trying to exert some inappropriate control and I am not sure if it's a good idea to play along. It is in her best interest to be able to participate, but at what cost?

WWYD?

[rainbabies]

Re: WWYD

well, he sounds like a first rate asshole. i would keep track of times, dates, and all emails. then, i would take everything to the lawyer who set up your custody/child support payment/arangements. and, i probably would NOT play his stupid game. i'm sorry for you and your dtr. how terrible.

Re: WWYD

How old is she? I might put the question to her (w/o showing her dad for the huge ass that he is). "If you're going to play soccer again this year we've got a few changes to the plan. I won't be able to help coach this year, and Dad will take you to the games on his weekends (so you don't miss them! yay!), but I won't be able to go to those. If you're okay with that, then let's get you signed up."

[MDPhDWife]

Re: WWYD

How old is she? I might put the question to her (w/o showing her dad for the huge ass that he is). "If you're going to play soccer again this year we've got a few changes to the plan. I won't be able to help coach this year, and Dad will take you to the games on his weekends (so you don't miss them! yay!), but I won't be able to go to those. If you're okay with that, then let's get you signed up."

She's 7 and she's already signed up and although DH isn't the coach this year, I know tonight at the parent meeting they will be looking for an assistant coach and team parent, which we were planning on signing up for at least one of them.

The sad part is I would have probably gave into his request, for the greater good, but he's already said "he'll try, but now that they've found God he's won't let soccer interfere with church." So does this mean that even if I agree to his silly demands, that he can still pull the church card as an excuse not to take her?

I'm so tired of taking the high road, but what other responsible choice do I have?

[Flynn]

Re: WWYD

will be looking for an assistant coach and team parent, which we were planning on signing up for at least one of them.

The sad part is I would have probably gave into his request, for the greater good, but he's already said "he'll try, but now that they've found God he's won't let soccer interfere with church." So does this mean that even if I agree to his silly demands, that he can still pull the church card as an excuse not to take her?

I'm so tired of taking the high road, but what other responsible choice do I have?

I love it when people use "God" or church as a lame excuse.
Um, GOD would want you to support the child YOU CREATED ding bat.

I think I might cut him out of soccer like Annie suggested --- it's a positive activity and positive is good right?
I would ask him to come up with something he can do with her so she feels a part of his life on a REGULAR basis. If not soccer, then what? Can't miss church, okay when do you have a time once a week or so that is TOTALLY for your daughter.

Easier said than done I realize.
I'm really sorry for your daughter.

I loved sports too and it was really nice to see both parents in the stands for my games.
Most kids only had one or no parents. It made me feel special.

Kudos to you and your DH for being so invovled.
She'll look back and thank you for it.

[Cumberland]

Re: WWYD

I agree with Annie. I would explain the situation to the coach and I think most people with half a heart would work with you. Sorry he is such a jerk. I am really keeping my fingers crossed that you guys will move out of state and away from him. Using church or god as an excuse is a load of crap IMO.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: WWYD

I think its time to take him back to court on the custody agreement. I know that is a PIA but my sister learned as her son got older that she had to quit playing her ex-jackass' games. It sounds like your daughter is only going to get more and more involved in sports and those are a weekend thing most of the time. He has her like every other weekend, doesn't he? That's a lot to miss as they get older.

I know money is an issue but my sister was able to go through the local SRS office and get some help and representation. I know you don't want to take her away from him but as she gets older she'll figure it out. About her age was when my nephew started figuring out that his dad was a deadbeat and while he's still excited to see him when he does he also knows that most things aren't my sisters' fault they're his.

I know you've said many times that you don't want to take her away from him but maybe even the first steps toward that would make him wake up. Good luck, I know how much this sucks.

[diggitydot]

Re: WWYD

Cut him out of soccer then. He's manipulating and controlling this situation and your life and relationship with your DD. Tell him you can't oblige...tough shit. Make the practices you can, work with the coach around your schedule, but don't play into his BS. Do as much as you can without his help and never discuss soccer with him again. I know it's easier said than done, but this man is attempting to control you, your DD and your DH's choices. Your DD's soccer career might not be ideal and it hurts that her dad doesn't care about her, but it's out of your control. You've done all you can. Don't let him take away even more of you and your DH's relationship with your DD by pushing you both out of her 1/2 her games and coaching (which is in fact his ultimate goal here).

I couldn't have put it any better myself. This has nothing to do with your ex not wanting to do anything with soccer or DD. It's about control. He's attempting to exert control over your life by exerting what limited parental control he still retains over your daughter's.

He's a dick.

Here's how I'd lay it out to him:

1.) No, I won't promise to not show up to her games when it isn't my weekend. Regardless of whichever parent she spends the weekend with, I will be at all of her games. If you chose not to do so, that is your issue, not mine. If you'd rather break her heart and skip games versus having to sit within 100 ft of me, that's your problem, not mine. That you're asking everyone, (team, coach, daughter, me, stepdad) to work around your insecurities is beyond ridiculous.

2.) No, I will not limit either my involvement with the team or her stepfather's simply because it makes you uncomfortable. Your comfort is not one of my priorities. Helping my daughter's team where ever possible is. Spending time with my daughter is. Dealing with your silliness is not.

3.) If you elect to not be involved in a large aspect of your daughter's life (ie, soccer), that is your decision. It's a misguided decision and will ultimately damage your relationship with her, but it's still your decision. As such, it is not something that can be abdicated away. If you choose not to attend her games or support her in this endeavor, you bear the brunt of that choice. No one else. Your relationship with your daughter will be affected, no one else's.

4.) You don't have to pay for her to play sports...but you should. I don't have to pay. She doesn't have to play in the first place. But she'd like to and I'd like for her to be able to do so and I'd imagine you'd like her to have fun. So cut a check for half and be done with it or we can cover it in court the next time we're there. Occasionally, it's okay to do the right thing without being forced to do so.