I know someone's had to deal with this...

[peggyfromwastate]

So... DH's taking *a lot* of call right now b/c he's on paternity leave next week and they frontloaded all his call for the month. Unfortunately, "home" call has been essentially "in house" call, and he's not been around all that much. The kids hear his message on the phone (I can't pick up when I'm making dinner ) saying that he's heading home... Only to hear the next message that says, Never mind, I just got paged... I'm going back to the hospital.

Last night they were really disappointed, and Izzy's comment before going to bed was "Why does Daddy have to be a doctor anyway? Doesn't he care about us anymore???"

I have *never* heard anything like this from her. She's the most in-love-with-her-daddy girl. She makes him "I love you daddy" cards by the hundreds. I know that my grumbling has been worse than normal, but I try to keep a lid on it (within earshot of the kids!) Assuming they aren't reading my blog, I guess that my attitude must be worse than I thought!

Anyway, do you have any tips to sort of distract the kids and put a positive (I know, emoticon where are you) spin on the whole Doctor thing?

[Sheherezade]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

I have gone through this too. I usually try the whole "team effort" approach. (Ra! Ra! ** ) "We have to work together to get through this tough time, kids. It's hard. Daddy misses us, too. Here's our plan and here's when it's going to get better." That sort of thing. We had a scheduled bedtime phone call from Dad during a period in fellowship when he wasn't able to see the kids for weeks at a time because he wasn't home when they were awake. He'd call for a few minutes sometime between dinner and 8:30 PM. We've also had scheduled Daddy-events on the calendar marked with his picture like he was some celeb rolling in to town in the future. I also try to ramp up the outings so that the kids don't notice the absence as much. Even a stop at a coffee shop can be "special" and take the focus off the empty seat at the dinner table.

It sucks. I hope it is brief and just pre-paternity stuff. That will be easier to handle because there is a definite break in the future. I think that Izzy needs to know that her feelings are valid, though, and that choosing to be a doctor does have a downside. It is a special job and a happy Daddy is a good thing. It's just sad this part sucks. Hugs to all.

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

No advice here, just sympathy. My 6yo niece told my sister on their last visit that she didn't want to be a nurse anymore b/c DH also works in the hospital and, "Does he even get weekends off?" I felt really bad about it, actually (on the heels of hurtful dawkter's wife misperceptions from my sis, of all people ).

My only thought is that I plan to make a big deal about how much Daddy helps people, so they'll feel proud of him and feel like our sacrifices are for a good reason. And I expect we'll stop by his workplace reasonably often. But plans are no substitute for having gone through it... I'll definitely be reading the advice from the BTDT people.

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

I really agree with Angie's advice, but want to add that I also point out to my kids that there are LOTS of families where kids don't see dad (or mom, or BOTH) all the time (and they aren't all doctors). I try to tell them how lucky they are that we can afford for one parent to be home with them, and also tell them that while Daddy works (and travels) a LOT, his work provides for the very comfortable lifestyle that we have.

[mommax3]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

My response has been a lot like Jenn's. DH won't be at every soccer game they have this fall, but he did take them to the State Fair on Friday (he had the day off) while I was working. Granted, we are done with residency. But it is true that there are a lot of kids who rarely see their parents. I was just talking to a teacher at my school this week who got divorced last year. She has three kids (12, 11, and 10) and a bi-polar ex who took all their furniture in the divorce.....she was asking around at school last spring for extra furniture. This year, she is teaching full-time and working three nights a week as an optician. So her kids have a dad gone AWOL and a mom working almost 60 hours a week. My kids have a far better deal than that. In your case, you can also point out that the intensity of residency will end at some point. I remember doing that with my oldest, and it did help him to know that at the end of Kindergarten (in his case) Daddy would be home more often. While he (and his brothers) have complained about the schedule since then, the perks are more apparent and they usually get over it fairly easily.....they also have classmates who have single parents, or whose parents have scrambled for jobs of any kind, no matter the hours, and that helps, too.

Sally

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

"Why does Daddy have to be a doctor anyway? Doesn't he care about us anymore???"

Maybe this is the lawyer coming out in me, but I would answer the question asked, as posed by the child. To me, what is alarming is not that she misses her dad or that the increased hours of absence are disappointing to her, but that she misperceives the cause-and-effect result, based on a wrong-headed understanding of why her dad is a doctor. A very age-appropriate deductive conclusion, of course, but still heartbreaking. Kids always think they are either the cause or the effect.

1. Daddy doesn't have to be a doctor, he chooses to be. He made that choice because he has a wonderful gift to share with sick people. He is smart, talented, and loving, and wants to help people who are hurting feel better.

2. We are very proud of Daddy for this choice. Just like Mommy and Daddy are proud of you for being such a wonderful daughter. I know it makes you sad that sometimes Daddy isn't here because of his job. It makes me sad, too. But everybody's daddy has to be away for work sometimes. Let's focus on what's really happy--Daddy can help people at work, and when he's home, he can spend time with us, and we each other how much we love one another.

3. If you think that Daddy doesn't love us because he is a doctor, you have it backwards. Never forget this: it is because we love Daddy and Daddy loves us that we all have so much love that we can share our love with other people. Daddy can go to work and show other people kindness by helping them get better because he has so much love to give. And he gets that love from you, just like you get love from him. Being a doctor isn't choosing between you and patients; it's about being able to help other people because of all the love we have right here.

4. We can't always be with the people we love; but it is a gift to be able to share them--just like we share friends at school, share toys, and share hugs. And Daddy misses you more than anything when he is at work. When he gets home tonight, let's tell him how much we love him and missed him, with BIG hugs!

Maybe you guys could make him a special dinner or something together--helping her find a way of expressing her feelings and affection?

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

But, on second thought, our son always looks at me like he's SO SORRY he asked the question. He usually said something because he thinks it will get him my attention or sympathy and hasn't put that much thought into it...and instantly, deeply regrets getting caught in some ten-minute-long dissertation from me.

You could always try a flip: "Oh, give me a break! You know that Daddy loves you. Now run, go play." I am sure my son would much prefer that!!

[houseelf]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

I really agree with Angie's advice, but want to add that I also point out to my kids that there are LOTS of families where kids don't see dad (or mom, or BOTH) all the time (and they aren't all doctors). I try to tell them how lucky they are that we can afford for one parent to be home with them, and also tell them that while Daddy works (and travels) a LOT, his work provides for the very comfortable lifestyle that we have.

This approach has helped with my DS. He remembers how much he hated being the last child in school aftercare watching all of his friends leave befroe him. I try to remind him of this. Most of the time this perspective helps. I definitely think that all of the approaches outlined above are fabulous and time tested.

On a few occasions, however, I take a totally different tack. To me, it is equally important to listen carefully and validate what he says. "I hear you saying that you're disappointed that Daddy couldn't make your game/party/school event/whatever. I wish that Daddy could be two places at once, I know that he would love to be here with you." When I'm venting I don't want some one to *always* take the "Buck Up Buttercup" approach with me, so why should I do that to him? Sometimes, people really need to be heard in order to let it go and move on. I'm particularly careful about this because of all the literature that talks about parents inviting their male children to deny their emotions. "You're not scared of that are you?", "Come on bud, we're having a great time, don't focus on _____". I just want to make sure that no matter what is on his mind, he can come to me and I'm on team Cade. In other words, I try to balance giving him perspective about how damn fortunate he is while also acknowledging that it is a crummy feeling to miss your dad because he's busy working.

Kelly

[HouseofWool]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

I'm not sure I have much to add, but I think acknowledging that the situation sucks but that it will end and there will be benefits helps for us. Granted DS is only 5 and doesn't really remember a time when DH wasn't either on call or studying all the time.

[rainbabies]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

dd#1 thinks dh lives at the 'hosible' and tells people that.

ds has stated in the past that when we move somewhere, "i hope it's a place that does not have a hospital."

it sucks, and i'm sorry.

[DCJenn]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

If my husband is at work while we are at home(which I have to say, now that training is [temporarily]done is much less common. I'll acknowledge that it does suck, and that I would like Daddy to be home too. And I usually add in something to the effect of "daddy has to go see a sick kid." (hopefully we won't get the "I want to be a sick kid, too')

Then I'll ask if Nikolai wants to call his daddy and tell him that he wants him to come home. Usually he says no and goes on with playing or whatever but there have been times when we HAVE called daddy's cell phone and Nikolai very clearly makes his message known that he is not happy. Then he seems able to move on. When Rick DOES get home, he usually apologizes but makes it understood that Daddy doesn't get to pick when he has to stay late at work or go in on the weekend.

This trip to Honduras should be interesting- I bet all both get flashbacks to deployment.

Jenn

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: I know someone's had to deal with this...

Thanks all! I love the advice. I will take it all to heart!

Isabel has been having a particularly tough summer. She has regressed a lot, she's nervous to go to 2nd grade w/o her brother, she's really whiny (as in 4 year old style makes me grind my teeth whiny)... We haven't had a "big trip" this summer to break things up, and I think she's just had a bit too much time to worry about everything. I hope when school starts and she sees that it's OK, that she knows a lot of kids in her class, and that her teacher is really nice, she'll sort of get out of this little funk. :huh:

We did do the one-on-one Daddy-Date earlier in July for each kid, and I think I'll just have to find somewhere to put it on the calendar... Mostly I think I'm going to have to look at how I view residency and try to keep a lid on my own negativity...