HELPPPP......Freaking out!

DS1 came home from school this afternoon his usual perfectly happy self and when he turned around I saw the back of his neck....someone had put KKK in pen! I LOST the plot so to speak....he said that it was a boy in his class (known to be very agressive and kind of a trouble maker) and that when he told him to stop he did, but Peter didn't know what was written there. When I told him what it was, he didn't know what the letters stood for. I called the teacher to ask why this was happening during study time in class and he apologized and we discussed it. He DID say that he would call the other kids parents, but that from prior discussions with them, expected to get nowhere. Soooo, now we are stuck trying to figure out what to do. I explained to Pete that HE is responsible for what is displayed on his skin and that people writing on him and dumb and stupid and dangerous (feeling a little worked up still) I was thinking that I would get him to write an essay on it and have to do research to understand what it means, but do we even really want them knowing that? BUT then again ignorance is just as bad...UGHHH this teenage thing (and he's only 12) is going to kick my butt! He is a great kid and I know that he didn't know what it meant and he is THE most open person to differeny cultures and races, but he was still displaying something contrary :huh:

Any ideas about how to handle this?

[mommax3]

Re: HELPPPP......Freaking out!

If he didn't do it, didn't know what it meant, AND had no idea it was there, I would leave it at what you have already said, and let him know that no one should be writing on him at school. I wouldn't have him write an essay but explaining to him what the initials stand for and the hurt they have brought to people through the years would be a good idea.

Sally

[MrsK]

Re: HELPPPP......Freaking out!

I don't have kids but for what it's worth, I don't feel like punishing your son is the way to go. You should definitely educate him so he understands for the future. But it sounds to me like this other kid sort of "branded" him. (Personally, that's how I'd feel if my kid came home with "KKK" or a swaskia or anyother hateful thing drawn on him.)

If I were you, I'd call the principal and demand a meeting with him/her immediately. In many places, this would constitute a hate crime (and possibly an assault or battery if your son did not consent to being drawn on). The school needs to formally address this. Having the teacher call the classmate's parents is not sufficient.

[medpedspouse]

Re: HELPPPP......Freaking out!

I'd call the principal and demand a meeting with him/her immediately. The school needs to formally address this. Having the teacher call the classmate's parents is not sufficient.

I agree. Especially since the teacher does not think it will go anywhere if he calls. Maybe the principal bears more weight...or rather should.

Re: HELPPPP......Freaking out!

We weren't trying to punish him...we all sat down together and read and learned about it...DS1 and 2 both cried and DS1 felt awful. I think it hit him pretty hard (which is what I wanted) we realize that he doesn't feel that way, but still when you allow someone to write on you, you then represent and are responsible for what is written. I think that we will let it drop at this point...we thought about going th principal route, but ultimately if the family are as ignorant as I am led to believe it won't change much for them and DS's welfare is what we are concerned with....I fear that if we escalate this, he will only suffer more. This is their first year here and it has been hard enough to do 4 schools in 2 years so further drama would only make it tougher. Thanks so much for the advice, this one was rough!

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: HELPPPP......Freaking out!

You should ABSOLUTELY tell him exactly what the KKK is and has been. I knew what the KKK was when I was twelve. Most junior high American history books will include this.

However, to his credit, his ignorance of the KKK absolves him of the most offensive possibility here: that he was endorsing racism. The kid made a bad decision--not by promoting racism, but by letting some kid write all over him. The lesson that needs to be taught here is not that racism is bad. Sounds like your kiddo knows that. The lesson is, you must always understand what you are saying to others--your words are not the only things that speak for you. If you don't know what something means (a sign, symbol, political position, whatever), you should not adopt it as part of your dress or vernacular, because by adopting a symbol/sign/position, you risk having imputed to you the meaning/intent of it. By allowing this kid to write the KKK symbol on him, your son created a situation where a reasonable person could have imputed the intent of the KKK to him and logically concluded that he is a racist.

Given how upset he is, now that he knows what the KKK is, sounds like you've raised a kid of strong character. Kids make dumb mistakes. He sounds like he's been punished sufficiently, given the lack of mens rea here.

I don't think an essay on the evils of the KKK connects up enough with Pete's real error. I would ask him to write an essay about three things that he believes symbolize him, or ask him to design for you a family crest, with a symbol in each quadrant representing something important about your family. Get him to explore the power of symbols and why they should be used accurately.

[HouseofWool]

Re: HELPPPP......Freaking out!

Even though you feel that you won't get anywhere by going to the school administration, it still needs to be done. If for no other reason to document a behavior pattern by the offender. It seems like it will be a sure thing that this won't be his last offense and without a full picture of the havoc he is creating, an appropriate response cannot be taken down the road.

Re: HELPPPP......Freaking out!

Even though you feel that you won't get anywhere by going to the school administration, it still needs to be done. If for no other reason to document a behavior pattern by the offender. It seems like it will be a sure thing that this won't be his last offense and without a full picture of the havoc he is creating, an appropriate response cannot be taken down the road.

I totally agree. They need to know this kind of sick humor or serious racism is in the school. You can specify you don't want action on your behalf, but that you wanted to make the administration aware. And if it has happened in other ways that you don't know of, it may prove to them more action should be taken. I'm sure there is a story behind the kid and if this has happened in some shape or another before the staff may be obligated to do something on behalf of the multiple incidents. If it's the first time, they can have a heads up and the teacher and observe the child closer to see if it was a wicked prank or if maybe the child needs counseling.

FWIW I understood what you were saying and didn't think you were trying to "punish" your son. A good parent makes a child aware of the complexities of life when they come to age where deep lessons can be taught. You are a good parent for instilling such wisdom to your son.