Playdates

[Phoebe]

Playdates in our house are mostly a nightmare, particularly because we have the same gender children. When one daughter has a playdate the others want to join in which is usually met with objection. I spent a lot of time refereeing (is that a word?) and my younger daughters spend a lot of time antagonizing. ;( It isn't always easy lining up playdates with both my older daughters at the same time because my middle daughter hasn't made a lot of friends. There were only 4 other girls in her preschool class and they don't all live nearby. We don't have any girls in our neighborhood. My girls are very strong-willed and the idea that we will do something special for the child without the playdate hasn't worked. Any ideas how I can make playdates work better this summer?

[Deebs]

Sometimes it's easier to meet at the park or pool.

[Ladybug]

We usually meet up at parks too. Everyone has something to do.

[houseelf]

ITA. Playdates are much easier to have in house when they are older. In fact, it is sometimes easier when the nine year old has a friend over than when he is alone. Take advantage of summer and get those girls outside. Maybe DD2 will make a friend at the spray ground, pool, park, etcetera.

Kelly

[mommax3]

No real ideas for you, but if it is any comfort, playdates never went that well here either. If a younger kid has a friend over, the friend is usually fascinated with the older brothers and doesn't play with the one who invited him over. If an older kid has a friend over, the younger siblings bug them so much that it is painful. The middle one gets it from both directions. It does get easier, I promise.

[GrayMatterWife]

You could try making a special room for the younger ones--maybe pop popcorn, rent a movie, and set them up there to play. And then impose the "DON'T CROSS THE LINE!!" rule. In our house, that line is the wooden saddle between the backhall and the kitchen. You could keep the kids sectioned off...

[DCJenn]

Playdates suck.

We have decided that unless there's a compelling reason for one, he can hang out with the kids in the neighborhood. If they're not around, then he's on his own.

Usually there are lots of kids in and out of the yard because of the pool. (w/ parents of course)

Jenn

[Pollyanna]

One of the main rules for playdates in our home is that EVERYONE is included. If you can't be kind to your siblings then you don't get to have friends over. That rule runs both ways. Older sibs need to include the younger ones during the play time and younger ones need to respect and understand that their older sibs may want some alone time with their friend.

This system takes time but really pays off in the end and allows some neat friendships to develop between children of all different ages.

[Ladybug]

One of the main rules for playdates in our home is that EVERYONE is included. If you can't be kind to your siblings then you don't get to have friends over. That rule runs both ways. Older sibs need to include the younger ones during the play time and younger ones need to respect and understand that their older sibs may want some alone time with their friend.

This is an unspoken rule in our house too. Mostly just because I refuse to referee. But I still think the park, children's library, chuck E cheese, picnic etc. is the best way to go at this age.

Cooking is a great distraction for kids. Maybe the rejected sib can make some muffins, cookies, etc. Then they could lay out a cookie and lemonade picnic to invite the other sib/friend to? Have them make cookie picnic invitations too which will keep them busy. Price of picnic admission is nice manners, appreciation and inclusion or no more playdates.

[Phoebe]

Thanks for the advice. Like I said earlier, it is a lot easier for my older daughter to have playdates because she has more friends. To be honest, it isn't my daughter who is the problem when it comes to including the younger siblings. A couple of her friends have been really rude toward my middle daughter. Why DD#1 has been attracted to Type A girls who walk all over her is beyond me. That's a whole other thread. I look forward to it getting easier. Today, they both are having friends over. Everybody loves DD#3 so maybe mom can get some things done.

[MrsK]

Why DD#1 has been attracted to Type A girls who walk all over her is beyond me.

This, I believe, is a life-long thing. The "mean girls" are mean their whole lives. My grandma even ran into it in the nursing home when she was 92 years old. Imagine women in their 80s saying "That seat is saved." "I know it says 'Jeannette' but it is saved for the other Jeannette." My mom is in her 60s and she frequently tells me about women that I call her frenemies -- Type-A women that walk all over her. I think it is a self-esteem thing. You want to fit in, the mean girls are so conspicuous, you want them to like you so that you are not a target. . . I was well into college before I decided that I didn't want to be friends with mean girls. The mean girls are not going to change.

I don't like to give parenting advise because, obviously, I haven't done it myself. But I'd discourage your daughter from hanging out with mean girls and I'd let her know that they can't visit if they are not nice to her little sister. The mean girls will revolve through her life. He sister is there for keeps. Hanging out with mean girls won't do her a bit of good in the long term.

One of the main rules for playdates in our home is that EVERYONE is included. If you can't be kind to your siblings then you don't get to have friends over. That rule runs both ways. Older sibs need to include the younger ones during the play time and younger ones need to respect and understand that their older sibs may want some alone time with their friend.

This system takes time but really pays off in the end and allows some neat friendships to develop between children of all different ages.

We do this too. I have found that they all play together at the beginning and then the younger one usually goes off and does her own thing and the older gets some time alone. I also agree with going to the park or something where there are some more distractions.

[Pollyanna]

Thanks for the advice. Like I said earlier, it is a lot easier for my older daughter to have playdates because she has more friends. To be honest, it isn't my daughter who is the problem when it comes to including the younger siblings. A couple of her friends have been really rude toward my middle daughter. Why DD#1 has been attracted to Type A girls who walk all over her is beyond me. That's a whole other thread. I look forward to it getting easier. Today, they both are having friends over. Everybody loves DD#3 so maybe mom can get some things done.

The "Everyone included" rule will help you out a ton in this area. Your daughter will discover that friendships with those types of girls don't pay off because she is never allowed playdates. I tell the children at the beginning of the playdate about the rule. If an invited child is being rude to anyone in the family I kindly pull them aside and remind them, "in this home everyone is included in the fun and everyone is treated with love and respect". If the child continues to be a snot at the end of the playdate I have a talk with my child about the importance of family, friends coming and going, etc. I then give the child one more chance to come over, if they continue to be rude to my other children then they simply are no longer welcome. This really has helped my children in choosing kind children as friends.

[Phoebe]

We had the "family comes first" discussion today and I reiterated the rules of the playdates to my girls. I also let my older daughter know that her friends would no longer be allowed over if they weren't going to be nice to her siblings. I don't tolerate this and normally make DD#1 include her younger sister. The last playdate was with her favorite friend that she hadn't seen in a long time so I thought I could give them some alone time. This particular friend is so blunt about everything to where she was in special education in preschool for social delays. I am hoping by making these rules that my kids will help make the playdates go smoother and I will be more choosy about who comes over. Thanks again!

I tell the children at the beginning of the playdate about the rule. If an invited child is being rude to anyone in the family I kindly pull them aside and remind them, "in this home everyone is included in the fun and everyone is treated with love and respect". If the child continues to be a snot at the end of the playdate I have a talk with my child about the importance of family, friends coming and going, etc. I then give the child one more chance to come over, if they continue to be rude to my other children then they simply are no longer welcome. This really has helped my children in choosing kind children as friends.

ITA. Some kids change and some don't. I don't think that it is fair to them to put on a label of mean or bully at 6 or 7, generally speaking. Some of them just need a reminder or some help. And for some, it doesn't help.