Need Bully Advice

[JaneDoe]

On Friday, dd who is five, had a basketball game. She is having a really good time with it and can't wait for the games. During the game, Dh and I could tell that something was bothering her and she just wasn't playing like she had in games before.

After the game, she came rushing over to me in tears. She told me that an 8 year-old girl, who we know, was pinching her, putting her fingers in dd's mouth to flick her teeth and calling her a "loser". Dd told the girl that she didn't like it, but didn't tell the coach or anyone else until she talked to me after the game.

A little background about this girl: I talk to the Mom at all the practices. She's very nice and open about what's going on in their family. Dad is a Family Practice doc and never home. This girl has an older brother with severe disabilities. He has cereberal palsy and is in a wheel chair. He requires alot of medical attention as well as Mom's attention. Mom said that lately the girl is really struggling and is generally angry. According to Mom, the girl frequently says that she hates her brother. Mom has the girl in counseling and is making a real effort to spend one-on-one time with this girl.

This incident has really upset me. My dd is only 5 and is a happy-go-lucky kind of kid. It's just wrong that an 8 year-old is picking on a 5 year-old. So, how do I handle this? I plan to talk to the coach and I plan to talk to the Mom tomorrow at practice. Is this just a kids will be kids type of thing that I should let them work out? Or is this one of those times that I need to to intervene. Mom is very approachable and I'm not too concerned about talking to her, but I'm sure in light of all the other issues going on with this girl she will just throw her arms in air and say "what can I do?"

This is my first experience with bullying. It's awful.

[DCJenn]

Since you know that the mother has already identified that her daughter is angry and already has her in therapy, I'd tell her more as "I know you're struggling with this, here is some additional information for the therapist." If you approach it as supporting mom in this VERY difficult situation, she'll probably be very appreciative.

I'd also ask the mother to meet the coach WITH you so that she understands that you're supporting HER (and defending your daughter) and make sure that the coach knows that the daughter is having some anger issues right now and may be striking out at the other children. Mom should be working with the coach and the therapist to determine what the consequences of the acting out behavior should be. As tempting as it may be, pulling her completely off the team might back fire at home because she probably needs the physical outlet but at the same time, bullying behavior should not be tolerated by the coach.

Let us know what happens.

Jenn

ps- doesn't being a grown-up suck sometimes?

[GreyhoundsRUs]

What she said

It is hard sometimes to notice what goes on with all kids - especially in an active setting like a sport. By talking to the coach and the parent, it would help everyone be more vigilant!

It sounds like you have already received some great advice from those before me, but I would like to step in and say . . . Don't forget the effect on your daughter as well! Don't let her feel that she is in the wrong and encourage her to still talk with you about what is going on, to use her words (not her hands!) with the older girl, and never hesitate to ask for help if she is being hurt or effected. A great book that I used a lot when I worked with this age group in the schools is Simon's Hook! Maybe your library has a copy and it can prompt some great conversation (and it has some great role playing exercises in the back as well)!

Good luck! I'm curious to hear how it all goes!

[Meenah]

Definitely what everyone has already said. I am so sorry for your daughter and you.

[Meenah]

Also, I think that the other Mom will appreciate that not only are you concerned with your child, but you are expressing concern for her and her child.

[JaneDoe]

Thanks for the advice. Yesterday was Dd's basketball practice and I was able to talk to Mom and Dh was able to talk to the Coach. We feel very satisfied with how this has been resovled.

When I told Mom, she nodded and said just a minute. She went and grabbed her daughter, pulled her aside and talked to her. She then had that girl apologize to Dd. After the apology, we could see that that they were laughing and getting along very well.

Mom came back to me and said I'm sorry; however, she said hold on because this will only get worse as dd gets older. I know she is right. She went on to explain how her dd is being bullied at school, but for some reason is the one who gets in trouble. She also briefly mentioned that her dd told her that my daughter was also pinching. The Mom seemed to disregard her story. I know my dd is not perfect, but I really don't believe she did. I didn't see all that happened, but my dd's reaction and how upset she was made it clear to me that she was being hurt and didn't know how to handle it. I really doubt that she pinched or even touched the girl.

The coach said that he believed the older girl should be the one setting the example and this should not be allowed. He said he would talk to the girl. I don't know if he did or not. We did not approach the coach together with Mom.

Anyway, I feel very satisfied with how this was handled. Thanks.

[poky]

Yay! Sounds like it's worked out well so far. SO glad the mom wasn't defensive and protective of her precious snowflake, and I hope the two kids continue to be friends! The coach had a good point about the older girl setting an example, too.

[DCJenn]

Yay! Hopefully this will continue to resolve and everyone will feel better!

I'm glad the coach is on board, too.

Jenn

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better about the whole thing! I hope that it continues to go well and hurray to you for setting an awesome example!!

[peggyfromwastate]

Mom came back to me and said I'm sorry; however, she said hold on because this will only get worse as dd gets older. I know she is right. She went on to explain how her dd is being bullied at school, but for some reason is the one who gets in trouble. She also briefly mentioned that her dd told her that my daughter was also pinching. The Mom seemed to disregard her story..

Something about this strikes me as off. I would try to keep my distance from this girl. Maybe she is being bullied in school, but the turn around attack on your daughter (she was pinching me too) makes me think that maybe she's not so much the victim as the instigator in school.

I just wanted to throw out there that most of the bullying my girls have faced (and it does seem to be more common in girls in my opinion) has been emotional. I tell my girls that not everyone is going to like them, that's just life, and that's OK. If someone is mean, keep away. Just like I'd tell them to not try to make a rattlesnake into their pet...



I've been there with this. Last spring Isabel had a bully on her soccer team. She didn't physically harm Izzy, but she did turn her off of soccer and that's too bad. The girl's mom was totally nice-- you'd never guess how nasty the little girl was...