staff member died at our elem school

[peggyfromwastate]

Last night the son of our nurse aide died. He was 19 and it was an auto accident. He helped the kids with lunch and recess- and they all knew him, but just a little.

DS knows the nurse aide well because he goes to see her every day for his insulin injections.

I love her to death- she is great. She is very sympathetic about the diabetes, and is very organized and helpful. She's only been our school nurse for a year, but she's been terrific.

Do you have any tips for talking about appropriate things to say for the kids? They have all been informed of the accident thru their teachers. Parents were sent home a letter telling us what happened. The kids don't get it, and I'm afraid that when the nurse comes back she's going to get lots of curious questions-- wanting to know details of the death, etc., etc. It's very fascinating to the kids, I think. I've told my kids that it's extremely tragic, and people can die in car accidents at any time, and that we need to say special prayers for the nurse aide, etc.

It's so tragic. I just can't imagine. 19 is so young. My heart breaks for this family.

[ladymoreta]

That is just awful! I think it would be good to teach them to say they're sorry for her loss. Even adults are awkward when it comes to what to say in situations like that, but often the person just appreciates the kind words, even if they're not perfect.

[DCJenn]

Oh that's so sad. I would keep the 'facts' as facts but make sure that they know that everyone is going to be sad for a while, especially the nurse.

Jenn

[Momo]

Oh Peggy that is so tragic!
ITA w/Jenn...just stress to them they need to keep in mind that this is the hardest & saddest thing a mommy or daddy has to live through!

I am so sorry to hear of the nurse's loss. I will add them to our prayers list.

Also, I don't know how old your son is with diabetes but I cannot say enough good things about pumps! They are amazing!!! Totally changed the way we live!

Lacy

[peggyfromwastate]

At dinner last night they brought it up... They spelled out d-e-a-t-h to each other (Izzy said to Steven- "Does Daddy know about the d-e-a-t-h")... I had texted DH beforehand, so he knew about it. We talked about it, but they really don't get it. They are in awe of the situation, because the adults at school were all visibly shook up yesterday. DH asked them if they knew the man who died, and they didn't really-- he helped Steven sometimes at recess with organizing kickball games and what not.

I hope the nurse just takes a leave of absense for a while. It's almost summer and I just can't imagine the questions she'll get. I can hopefully get my kids to understand some level of appropriate response, but in the world of video games where you have 150 lives to start with, death just isn't real...

So very tragic. I just can't imagine all the work that goes into raising a child to 19...

I told them at dinner that it's always tragic when a child dies before his or her parents, and it's the worst thing for a mom or a dad.

I can tell this is going to be a long process, though. It's a very hard concept for young elementary school kids.

[Pollyanna]

[PrincessFiona]

Wow. This is so terrible, Peggy! How awful for the nurse. I hope you're right and she does take a leave before the end of the year. These are those scary awful stories that are so hard to hear about....

Kris

[peggyfromwastate]

The kids are clearly upset about this in their own way. They are concerned, and a little frightened. Tonight at dinner they were talking about some rumors that are flying. One of Steven's classmates "saw" the accident (upon further questioning, she didn't "see" it but somehow she knew it happened at 4:30 am, and then she said he lived 8 hours past that, and that his car was hit by the drivers side.). I don't know where she's getting this information. I told the kids that the police most likely haven't finished investigating yet, and it wasn't in the news. Details of accidents like this don't make the news around here. They just happen too often I guess.

Steven said that some kids had to go out to the hallway today. I asked him why, and he said because they were crying about the teacher.

The fill in at the nurse's aide station has been swarmed with kids asking her questions about the accident. She's just a fill in.

I keep hearing some troubling things about this-- like joking, almost. Really inappropriate. But this is how the twins are bringing it up. It's not exactly joking, though. It's just irreverent and galling because to me I think of a young kid with so much to look forward to. And I think about the hearbreak of his mother.

I'm telling them that any accident is especially tragic because no one was expecting it. I'm telling them that parents don't expect their children to die, and it's really beyond horrible when it happens.

Steven's best friend knew the teacher more than Steven. He was really sad today, I guess. With the staff members all being so sad, I just can't imagine.

And Luke's teacher was gone today. I wonder if she knew this other teacher. She's a single young teacher- probably 22 or so. I'm sure they were friends. This teacher worked a lot with the kindergartners, walking them places and what not.

It's really horrible. All around...

Any movies I can watch with the kids? Any book recommendations? I was thinking Where the Red Fern Grows, but I'm not sure...

[peggyfromwastate]

Here is an example of how they bring it up. Tonight before dinner, Luke comes barging in and says in a very cheerful voice: "Mr X died in a car crash, right?" It's just jarring... It makes me cringe.

Steven doesn't know if he should feel sad. I asked him if he felt sad, he said, "Well, I didn't really know him." Me: "I never even saw him, and I am sad." S: laughed. M: "You know his mother very well- she's helped you with your diabetes every day for the last 5 months!" S: "Yeah." Me: "I'm very sad for her. It's the most sad thing that can happen to a mother when one of her children dies."

Then Steven was talking about the other kids who were really sad. He didn't know why, really.

Me: "Why do you think they are upset?"
S: "Because he's dead."
Me: "And why is that sad for them?"
S: "Because they won't see him again."

??

This all happens when we are all busy doing this or that. Isabel and Luke listen carefully to hear the answers, I suppose. There just aren't any answers, really. It's just so horrible.

[peggyfromwastate]

So I googled the man who died... I thought I should get some info to stop the rumor mill a little. He was a passenger. They were turning left. Another car hit the car he was in-- a perpendicular, direct impact. Sounds like he took the brunt of the impact. The other 3 passengers were all OK, the driver had to be treated at the hospital but he was released. The driver and passenger of the car that hit them were fine- treated at the scene. It happened Sunday night at 8:33 pm. He was transported to the hospital where later he died.

Google turned up a link to his facebook page, and a blog post by a former classmate of his. I saw his name on the honor roll list multiple times for the high school he went to, which is where Kate goes next year.

Side curtain airbags. That's why we got DHs car, thinking ahead to when that is the kids car. I don't know if it would make any difference, but I just want to keep the kids with me forever so that nothing really bad happens to them.

This is too much.

[HouseofWool]

It is so hard when the kids are young, they just don't get death and the permanance of it. I find too that at this age, they tend to approach heavy issues obliquely, randomly. Caleb's therapist told me that this is very normal and that kids this age tend to process big events in chunks, so for a bit they will be down/acting out, then things will sail along fine for a bit. Then they will start acting out/asking questions again until, seeming randomly, the ship will right itself again.

[SoonerTexan]

In 5th grade, the father of one of my classmates died suddenly of a horrible heart attack while he was on a business trip. He was only 35 years old. It really shook up the class, because he coached the baseball team of several of the boys, and one boy was unfortunately at the home of the classmate when they got the call that he had died.

I remembered feeling really shocked--it had never occurred to me that a parent could just suddenly be gone. There were lots of questions, but I think what help most was just the parents and teacher being open about it. Two of the boys on the baseball team went to the funeral and the teacher actually let them talk to the whole class about it. From my 5th grade perspective, it actually seemed like it was handled well, although sadly I think the poor guy really suffered from not having a father later on.