Behavior in church- help

[Ladybug122]

So, major guilt about not taking DS (4yrs) to church finally built up. Plus the fact that he is going to a Catholic preschool in the fall in which part of their curriculum is to attend Mass once a month as a class, made me finally face the fact that he should come with me to Mass. I myself should be better about attending. Over the last few years (basically since DS was born) I have been very spotty with my attendance, even though I really do enjoy going. It's just that I know that I won't be able to really listen and enjoy going with DS fidgeting, talking, you know, acting like a 4 year old. Factor in DH's seemingly constant absence on weekends due to the mistress that is medicine, and it just adds up to me going rarely and when I do, going alone. I do regret not taking him all along...but at this point, what's done is done.

So, today I brought the 2 kiddos (4yr and 7mo) with me. My daughter was wonderful...chewed on her toys the whole time. DS was typical. "Whispering" so loud the whole congregation could hear, fidgeting, crawling on the floor, putting the kneeler up/down. Sigh. I kept redirecting him, reminding him to be quiet so we could "talk to God" and also remind him to be respectful of everyone else. I even bribed him with the promise of a donut following the service...I know, bad Mommy. There is a "family room" but to be honest, I sort of feel at 4 years old, DS is old enough to learn appropriate behavior. I don't want him to have an escape route where he can avoid behaving acceptably. Especially since I saw other children DS's age (and younger) behaving themselves. So, my question to those of you who bring young kids to religious services...how do you get them to behave? I want to make next week better...

[GrayMatterWife]

I even bribed him with the promise of a donut following the service...I know, bad Mommy. There is a "family room" but to be honest, I sort of feel at 4 years old, DS is old enough to learn appropriate behavior. I don't want him to have an escape route where he can avoid behaving acceptably. Especially since I saw other children DS's age (and younger) behaving themselves. So, my question to those of you who bring young kids to religious services...how do you get them to behave? I want to make next week better...

1. Don't feel badly about the bribe. It has been a long-standing rule in our family: misbehave in mass and no bagel after service.

2. I USED TO HATE SUMMER MASS. WITH A PASSION. Why? Because I would have to actually sit with DS (who will be six this week). Until about six months ago, it was hell (church was such a self-contradictory experience!). During school year (Sept-May), DS has Sunday School and Children's Chapel during the adults' regular mass and post-mass discussion forum. You can bring your kids, of course, to the adult service and forum (kids are really welcome), but there is also the kids-only option. During the summer months, though, there is no Children's Chapel. The kids are brought to us halfway through the adult service, after they are discharged from Sunday School. Then, I have to sit with DS through the remainder of the mass. HELL when he was younger. Squirming, whispering, impatience. Awful. I dreaded getting up to church every Sunday. So, be encouraged...hahaha! You're not the only one (even though it SEEMS like everyone else's kid can handle this!) and your kiddo WILL grow out of it.

3. How I dealt with DS: as homicide is frowned on at church, and my husband frowns on doping him up with Benadryl (he'd have a different opinion if HE was the one holding DS!), my options were limited. I am a no-toys-in-public mom. Church isn't romper room--I'm not letting him bring Match Box cars into church. Basically, I resorted to a combination of physical restraint (sitting on my lap), open threats ("Do you want to be paddled?"--that one worked well, but only because I MEANT it and he knew I'd follow up), small rewards (he could play with things in my purse), and distractions with books brought from home. However, at the end of the day, no matter how hard he tried, he was four or five. It was HARD to be quiet and still. Basically, I cut him breaks, I cut me breaks, and I sat in the back of the church, ready to make a quick escape if needed.

Then, about six months ago, DS suddenly matured a lot in terms of behaving at church. He went with me to the Saturday night Great Easter Vigil (very late and very long) and was awesome. Quiet, read his books to himself, and behaved.

[moonlight]

Basically, I cut him breaks, I cut me breaks, and I sat in the back of the church, ready to make a quick escape if needed.

Good advice!

When we go to mass the little kids (2-4) are the wildest ones. DH and I always smile at each other when they act up. There is one little boy that can always be counted on for comic relief. Over the past year he is getting better and better. Last week he was crawling over the pews but overall he has improved. Graymatter has is right. Just give it time... and just know the rest of us totally understand!!!!

[v-girl]

I agree with the others. Just keep going and bribe away! A snack cup of Cheerios goes a long way (almost to Communion).

[Pollyanna]

Dh and I used to joke when we went to Mass without the kiddos, "hey, they still say the Our Father?" Needless to say, you miss a lot when you bring little ones to Mass. Even though it is hard I think it is so important to bring them to church. A few things that help:

1. Even though this may be counter intuitive, sit in the front. It is so much more interesting if the children can see what is going on. Be ready to explain the Mass to keep their interest. This will not work all the time so don't be embarrassed if you need to move to the vestibule for awhile. Our 2nd dd used to pretend she was going under water, holding her nose and hiding behind the pew when she was three. Lol, used to crack up the altar servers every time. Was it the best Mass behavior? No, but she was three and being very quiet. When we didn't sit in the front the deacon would always ask, "where were you guys?"

2. Go at a time when you can expect your children's best behavior. When we had very little ones we used to go to the 7:30am Mass. The children had just woken up and were able to make it through Mass. This time was also helpful because the Mass had no singing so it was about 10 minutes shorter.

3. Make sure they know how they are to behave. Talk about Mass before you go, talk about what is acceptable and what is not. Save special toys/books just for Mass. Coloring is also a good option. The more you go the more the children will know what is expected. Just like anything, they need practice and need to understand why they are there.

4. I think using donuts is a great bribe and one we have used before as well.

5. Go to a Mass that the children enjoy. Some churches have better music, some have children's mass, etc. Some congregations are more tolerant of children. Find something you and your child looks forward to. And sometimes it might be the church with the best donuts.

6. If necessary leave the children at home (providing they have not received first Holy Communion). I completely understand that this is not always possible with medicine in the mix. When dh and I felt like we really just needed to attend Mass sans children we would go to separate Masses. This does not help with the behavior of children but it gives mom and dad and chance to recharge.

7. Most importantly remember that the Mass is a celebration. It is not ment to be a somber occasion and everyone is invited, including children. When we lived in CA our Pastor gave an entire sermon on the importance of children at Mass (he gave this sermon while a two year old ran up to the altar and waved at him, lol). Our Pastor here told my cousin when he was saying how bad he felt for spending each and every Mass in the cry room that he was doing the right thing bringing his children to church and while he may not hear anything he does receive the body of Christ which will give him strength throughout the week.

[MrsK]

We've been taking our baby to Shabbat services about once every three weeks. We have a hard time getting there too because of all the medical family juggling and also because services begin at 8 PM -- baby's usual bedtime. He's a lot younger than your child but can be disruptive in his own way. I usually sit on an asile in the back so I can quickly remove him if he gets fussy which usually happens at some point. After all, it's bedtime and he wants to nurse. Most of the time he's pretty good though and despite the fact that he's exhausted at that time, he enjoys listening to the music and smiling at people.

I have a point! Our baby is the youngest member of our congregation by about 3 years and one of the very few children that attend services. This makes him a minor celebrity because children at services signal a healthy congregation. If there are not any babies in a congregation or if members choose not to teach their children about their faith, the congregation will eventually age and die. While he does not know how to behave, most of the people at services and especially our rabbi understand that it is vital for him to be there and they welcome him.

As for behaviour, it's like anything else. It's the same for learning how to behave in resturants, at school, etc. As he matures and attending services becomes more routine, he will learn how to behave.