Self Image Issues

[MDPhDWife]

My 6 year old has me concerned. She rarely lets me put her hair up in ponytails so it's often in her face. I find myself constantly tucking her hair behind her ears and this week she told me "I don't like my hair behind my ears." I asked why and she replied "because I have a spot on my ear and I don't want anyone to see it." The spot she's referring to is a very small beauty mark and she has one on each ear in the same area. I asked her why she doesn't want anyone to see it and she said it makes her feel embarrassed. Then yesterday she came and told me she doesn't want to wear the outfit I laid out for her because she hates tank tops. Fair enough, I expect kids at this age to have style preferences, but when I asked her why she said she doesn't want her armpits seen. I told her it's a new top, it's really hot outside, and would she wear it just this one day hoping to change her mind. She then asked "Well are we going anywhere or just staying home today?" to which I replied we would be going grocery shopping. She said since we weren't staying home she wants to change shirts. So in the end it's not a matter of comfort, but more of a matter of vanity/public appearance. I'd expect this more from a teenager, but from a 6yo???

I'm concerned about her self esteem and image issues but not sure how to proceed. I definitely don't want to invalidate her but I also don't want to feed into it either. Like I said if it were more about wanting to wear stripes with polka dots, fine I get that, but because it's embarassment about her own body I'm worried. Should I be or am I jumping at shadows here? Is this normal, has your 6yo done something similar to this?

[v-girl]

She may be a little young for it, but I love the American Girl magazine. Great articles and it may have one that will address her issues. Also, check some of their books -- like the hairstyling one -- lots of cute hair styles.

[Meenah]

Pay attention and follow your gut. When Amy was 6 she was in summer camp and took a bus several times a week. I didn't find out until a few years later that the kids made fun of her because on her left hand her 3rd and 4th fingers weren't straight. She was born with them together (Syndactyly) and had several surgeries. SHe would sit on her hand so they couldn't see it. I never knew about this until it was too late. Kids can be mean, and age 6 is not too young. I think girls are worse than boys.

[MDPhDWife]

She may be a little young for it, but I love the American Girl magazine. Great articles and it may have one that will address her issues. Also, check some of their books -- like the hairstyling one -- lots of cute hair styles.

Thanks Veronica for the tip. I haven't introduced Gracie to AG stuff yet, but I did get Bella our oldest an AG book on boys that I've been waiting until she's ready to give her. I don't know a lot about AG but from the bit I have seen it looks like a positive influence for girls.

[MDPhDWife]

Pay attention and follow your gut. When Amy was 6 she was in summer camp and took a bus several times a week. I didn't find out until a few years later that the kids made fun of her because on her left hand her 3rd and 4th fingers weren't straight. She was born with them together (Syndactyly) and had several surgeries. SHe would sit on her hand so they couldn't see it. I never knew about this until it was too late. Kids can be mean, and age 6 is not too young. I think girls are worse than boys.

Oh Luanne, that's terrible how Amy was tormented by those kids! I agree with you, girls are definitely much worse than boys. I developed earlier than most girls and was bullied a lot in elementary/mid school because of it. Gracie is a little shy and reserved around people she doesn't know. Her Kindergarten teacher this year mentioned how quiet she is in class and I have noticed she doesn't make friends as quickly as her older sister did when she was six. I think that is partly due to being the younger sister, she tends to want to join her sisters friends and their siblings so it doesn't force her to put herself out there to make her own friends.

[v-girl]

Luanne - Amy's ordeal makes me so sad. That is terrible.

Charlene - My girls only have one AG doll each, but I found the magazine and books to be positive and confidence-boosting so I gets them for my girls. They are close enough in age to share them.

[Deebs]

Just seeing this makes me so sad. Does she have a trusted aunt, grandma, etc who can talk to her and see if there's something going on? I like to think that my kids will tell me everything, but I know with my own niece, even though she is very close to her mom (even now at the age of 15), there are things that she will call me to talk about because she doesn't want to let her mom down. Kids blame themselves for so much more than we think they do, and if she is being teased she might think it's her fault and that if she just dresses right/wears her hair a certain way/etc it won't be a problem. If it is enough for you to ask all of us, I think it's enough to follow up on.

I don't have kids, but I remember that I had this sort of issue in first grade. I don't think it's that unusual--kids at that age can feel self-conscious about their body, especially if they've been teased about something by other kids. As a young girl, I had and still have very dark hair on my arms. In first grade I remember being teased about it constantly, and I felt very self-conscious about it even back then. I still remember the other kids calling me a "gorilla" in first grade because of my hairy arms. This made me feel very self-conscious, even at the age of 6! It made me feel very "different" from the other girls in my class. I would wear long sleeves whenever possible, even in the summer. In second grade, I insisted that I start shaving my legs, and my mother complied. She got me an electric razor. I was always upset and self-conscious about the dark hair on my legs too, and so my mother finally gave in in second grade and let me start shaving. I know that's very young but the hair was long and dark and very noticeable, and I was being teased constantly about it as well.

Even now, I feel "different" from most women, and I think a part of this is the lasting and ingrained feelings of self-consciousness brought on by this early and constant teasing about my hairy arms.

I'm still self-conscious about my hairy arms, and I still wear long-sleeves a lot.

Why not wax it? I'm thinking in this heat, I'd rather wax my arms than wear long sleeves but that's me.

Waxing doesn't last long on me. I wax my eyebrows, and my upper lip, and the hair is back within one week. So for such a large area, and so much pain, I just don't think it's worth it.

[SoonerTexan]

Waxing doesn't last long on me. I wax my eyebrows, and my upper lip, and the hair is back within one week. So for such a large area, and so much pain, I just don't think it's worth it.

Any chance you are Italian? I have the same problem... Some stupid boys made a comment about my hairy arms in elementary/middle school and I was self-conscious about it for a really long time. Now I could care less, but I do remember that awkward-left out feeling quite well. Little kids can be so mean!

[Pollyanna]

Charlene, my guess is that she has been teased at some point. Typically kids this young don't feel self conscious unless someone points out their differences. I would talk about what is bothering her, validate her feelings but then redirect them toward things that make her feel special.

[alison]

My brother had a birthmark on his forearm and was afraid to raise his arm in class... Other kids would poke fun at his mole. He eventually got it removed for health reasons. I miss it, although I think he was very relieved to see it go.

I'm hairy. More hairy than my dh even. I underwent a ton of teasing in school, and wore sweaters and long pants to hide the hair. It really sucks when kids make fun of you, but between birthmarks, hairiness, weight, etc etc, who doesn't get picked on?

I'm so sorry that your dd is self conscious and other children have made her feel this way. I always used to say "you're hurting my feelings," and that would make kids rethink what they were teasing me about.

[MDPhDWife]

Charlene, my guess is that she has been teased at some point. Typically kids this young don't feel self conscious unless someone points out their differences. I would talk about what is bothering her, validate her feelings but then redirect them toward things that make her feel special.

Thanks for the sage advice Tara, I appeciate it. If this is a teasing issue, I'm really surprised this is surfacing in the summer considering she's not around a lot of kids other than family in the summer. :huh: Today when getting dressed for swimming lessons, I suggested she wear a different suit than the one she's worn the last 2 days and she refused saying she likes the skirt on the one she'd been wearing because she didn't want to show her legs that much. I don't understand, she's not at all overweight. I guess is besides validating her feelings, should I continue to try and reassure her there's nothing wrong with her armpits, her legs, her ears, etc. or does that come across as dismissive? I told her I wouldn't buy her anymore sleeveless tops and I don't push her anymore about letting me pull back her hair, I just really hope this is a temporary phase and not the beginning of a lifetime self image issue.

[MDPhDWife]

I don't have kids, but I remember that I had this sort of issue in first grade. I don't think it's that unusual--kids at that age can feel self-conscious about their body, especially if they've been teased about something by other kids. As a young girl, I had and still have very dark hair on my arms. In first grade I remember being teased about it constantly, and I felt very self-conscious about it even back then. I still remember the other kids calling me a "gorilla" in first grade because of my hairy arms. This made me feel very self-conscious, even at the age of 6! It made me feel very "different" from the other girls in my class. I would wear long sleeves whenever possible, even in the summer. In second grade, I insisted that I start shaving my legs, and my mother complied. She got me an electric razor. I was always upset and self-conscious about the dark hair on my legs too, and so my mother finally gave in in second grade and let me start shaving. I know that's very young but the hair was long and dark and very noticeable, and I was being teased constantly about it as well.

Even now, I feel "different" from most women, and I think a part of this is the lasting and ingrained feelings of self-consciousness brought on by this early and constant teasing about my hairy arms.

I'm still self-conscious about my hairy arms, and I still wear long-sleeves a lot.

My older DD who is 9 is getting a little hairy but I haven't said anything to her. I figured when she's ready to talk about wanting to shave I'll allow her to but I don't want to make it an issue if she doesn't see it as one yet.

Geez, raising girls at this age is getting tougher because of all the social pressure that's out there for them to be a certain way. I've always loved having girls but now I know what they mean when they say girls are easier when they're younger....

[Sheherezade]

If you can start working in conversation about the distorted idea of beauty held by many girls (because of the media) and how everyone is special BECAUSE of their differences, maybe that would help. I know I've tried this with my daughter. She's 11 - and I think she actually does get that the things that bother us about ourselves are the things we love in others. For instance, there is a boy in her class that has a big mole on his cheek. She thinks it is the cutest thing ever. I mentioned when she told me this that he probably thought it was awful and wasn't it funny how people can come to love things that make others unique.

I'm sorry this is starting for your daughter so young. In the end, we all have to make our peace with it as women, though. The younger we do, the more stable our self image becomes.

I've always loved this video:
http://www.youtube.com/v/MFPGa0pKyTg&