Incentivize my kids please...

[peggyfromwastate]

Do you have any ideas for rewards/privilege charts? Anything that's worked for you?

I'm having these issues--

Lots of fighting-- sibling bickering, yelling, tattling (I dont' get sucked into tattling, but I do have to yell at everyone to quit yelling, which... well u know what I mean...)

Playing with toys at the wrong time of day (like getting out all the legos at 7:30 pm when we are supposed to be taking baths/showers etc.)

Not doing thier dinner time chores until after I tell them 2-3 times.

Fighting me about reading homework (this is DS6-- hates reading with a passion, and I need to read with him bc he can't read independently yet, and it's just horrid, truly...)


I'm willing to reward with Wii, shopping, McDonalds... Anything to make the fighting stop!!!!

DH isn't here so I'm solo on this. I want to be able to say to specifically DS6 who is driving me up a wall (this is my dream):

I'm putting J to bed. DS6, you need to get your PJs on, put away your toys, and brush your teeth. I will come to put you to bed in 10 minutes and I want you ready.

And I want DS6 to follow these instructions, so that we have time for a story (that I read, so he enjoys that-- he only hates reading when HE has to do it). Instead, he is still in his clothes, or naked if he just got out of bath, and he's fighting with DS9 about some toys or Pokemon cards that they are playing with.

DS9 and DD9 go to bed later than DS6, but they are supposed to finish all their crap while I'm putting J to bed too- and they are supposed to be doing their *independent reading*...

Sigh. I'm completely zapped. I have no energy for a reward chart or anything, but I have to try to put on a happy face and make it *fun*. Grrrr.

[DCJenn]

I don't know - maybe it's a 6yo boy thing because I have the EXACT same arguments with the dude. Seriously, common sense seems to have evaded him. Our deal is getting out the door in the mornings- "go put on your clothes and brush your teeth while I get dressed." You'd THINK that would be a generally simple process but apparently it's way more complex than I think it is. This morning found him half dressed on his bed playing with something; then he's finally dressed and I'm ready to walk out the door and I ask him if he's brushed his teeth- NO. Look at his feet- no shoes.

I instituted a new rule today- all homework and piano practice are to be done five minutes after we get home- like he can go the bathroom and grab a drink of water and that's it. He fussed today but then I reminded him that he'll have lots more time to play if I'm not bothering him to do stuff after dinner. (which isn't entirely true but hey- I'm the boss.) I figure if I have to solo parent, the rules are mine to be made and mine to be enforced and if anyone with the last name of Hussey who lives in my house cares to question those rules then the wrath of mom will be felt.

And the other thing I did was sit him down and have a serious talk about how tired I was of constantly nagging and yelling and arguing and how I wanted our time to be fun. I told him that we all have to follow rules and lots of them aren't fun but if we did then there would be a lot less fussing.

Jenn

PS- Of course, this morning as we were walking to school I told him that I didn't even get to have my coffee this morning and he said, "Ohhhhh, that's why you're so cranky." (and he was likely right)

[Thirteen]

For the "after hours" toys issue: my mom had a toybox that only she had access to. We received three "strikes," then the toy wound up in her toybox. In order to get it back, we had to follow instructions and earn our toy time, with said toy during the day, back. This really helped modify playtime or roughhousing behavior around bedtime. Since we took time and energy away from my mom, her thought was we had to obey to "payback" the time and energy lost.

The fighting/yelling/tattling hitting thing? My cousins, based on severity, had to hold hands for a set amount of time. Write kind letters (if age appropriate), listing good qualities about one another. Hug for a set amount of time. Followed always by apologies and forgiveness statements.

I think a "reading reward" chart would work with your DS. Every ___ lines/pages/minutes he reads, he can place a sticker/ticker/etc on his chart. That way, it's interactive, and he can see when his next "reward box" is coming up. This worked for me, apparently, during potty training. I'd only go in the potty for stickers earned towards renting the Disney movie "Dumbo." Go figure.

Are the dinner time chores supposed to be completed before or after dinner? This is where I sound mean: hunger is a motivator. If you can't be "bothered" to serve dinner because they didn't complete their chores, maybe it will show direct consequences?? Or, if that's too cruel, what about serving only the thing they need, but probably dislike the most? (e.g. "Dinner tonight is chicken nuggets, hot rolls, and green beans." "Ew, I hate green beans!" "Those of you who complete their dinner time chores will receive both chicken nuggets and green beans; those who do not will only be served green beans and a hot roll.")

That's all I've got for now - I'll ask around.
You're a trooper, Peggy!

I am amazed by what my kids will do for silly bandz.

[diggitydot]

Count me as another vote for it being partly due to the 6 y/o boy thing. DS is just now able to get himself ready in anything resembling a reasonable time frame and he's 8. And I still have to make him a list. But, the list works REALLY well at keeping him on-task and away from Legos.

As for the chores thing, I think it will always be an uphill battle. Our kids' routine is such that they have a few minutes for a quick snack afterschool then get started right away on homework. Directly after homework, they're expected to do their chores and get their stuff (clothes) ready for the next day. Nothing fun is allowed until after those requirements are fulfilled. "Fun", means different things to each kid. DD1 can then talk on the phone or hop on the computer for a little bit, DD2 can go play outside with her BFF, and DS can turn on the TV and head to his Lego bin.

[Vanquisher]

I know you don't want to do a chore chart, but I think a list with pictures as a visual reminder hung on the fridge would be a good thing.

In fact, I think I will make one for my DD (also 6). I did this for my son at about the same age, and it was very helpful. Make sure you do everything on the list, and then you can... I remember it being especially helpful for the before school routine.

Check out:

http://www.freeprintablebehaviorchar...20routines.htm

You can make one to fit your house. It doesn't have to be super rigid, but you can say as soon as your list is done, you may _______. Homework must be done right as soon as they get home from school. Otherwise....Oy.

[rainbabies]

We have the same issues here. Ds-7 sucks me dry by the end of the day...I'm drained. Emotionally, that is. The girls give me probs, too. But not at the same level and persistence as ds. Good luck, Peggy.
(((hugs)))

[peggyfromwastate]

Is it just our batch of now-6 year olds? I swear that when they were all 4 we were all here on the forum exhanging horror stories...

I like the toy box. I've taken toys to time out before, and I literally forget where I put them. A box would actually mean there was a chance they would get the toy back.

Yes, Heidi, we'll have to dig out a chart. Gah. It's just hard to muster enthusiasm for this process. I mean... He can get his **** together at school. I'm not asking for perfect, just... some glimmer of hope!

Jenn, I had a talk with him too--- about how Dad is gone, he needs to help, he's 6 now, he's big, I know he can do better... He seems to think about it during our talk, but... ??? So far not sticking.

And as far as dinner, when they complain about the food, they go to their rooms. It's questionable as to whether or not they'll get to eat anything. Honestly, I've explained to them that there are kids in this world who only get a small bowl of rice and water to survive on. Tragic, indeed. But missing one meal for my little angels when they choose to be turds will not kill them. I have never actually had to NOT feed them, but I have before allowed only a slice of bread and a cup of water...

I just get sick of listening to it, day in day out... The whining, the drama, yadda yadda... I think I need to have a glass of wine before dinner just to get me through. I may start that-- I don't drink regularly, but this may be the time to pick up the habit!!

[PrincessFiona]

I don't know, Peggy. At this age, I don't use incentives anymore. That probably means I'm a bad mom, but ... fighting etc = go to your room and stay there for 30 minutes ... No wii, no computer, etc. The reward is when they aren't fighting, they get to play their games, have friends over, etc. I guess I'm just sick of being sucked into this chart/reward thing. It is way too much effort and I feel that by 6 they are able to self-regulate or have their privileges removed.



Playing with toys at the wrong time of day (like getting out all the legos at 7:30 pm when we are supposed to be taking baths/showers etc.) Bye bye legos for 2 days.

Not doing thier dinner time chores until after I tell them 2-3 times. No friend over after school.

Fighting me about reading homework (this is DS6-- hates reading with a passion, and I need to read with him bc he can't read independently yet, and it's just horrid, truly...) This is where I am flexible. Alex hates reading too, so we do it in my little *office space*. He sits in my comfy chair, we both drink hot chocolate and read together.

I'm just mean though ... at least that's what I hear.

Oh, and PS....don't listen to my advice because...LOL...I have no idea what I'm doing in this parenting gig. Every day I feel like I know less and less.

[Deebs]

My kids are younger, but I handle fighting (or any other "non-social" behavior) by telling them something along the lines of, "obviously, you're not feeling social right now. Go to your room and come back when you're ready to be with other people." It even works with my two year old. When we first started, I had to carry them to their rooms. Now, they basically put themselves in a time out. I personally think it's a great skill to learn young when you just need time to yourself.

For rewards (we're kind of at the potty training stage, remember), my ped just recommended this, and it works wonderfully. There is no instant candy reward for going potty. DS gets an M&M placed in a jar. When he chooses (as long it's not right before dinner or bed) he can eat his jar of M&Ms. I completely jip him and give him the mini M&Ms, so he ends up getting less than I'd probably offer him for a treat. This has worked so well that DD will offer to clean her room or do other chores for an M&M in her jar.

For older kids, I might do poker chips into a jar and when the jar is full, they can choose an activity - movie night, date night with mom or dad, etc.

[Pollyanna]

We don't do incentives. As dh says, "you don't get a prize for breathing so you don't get an award for doing what is expected of you". Honestly, the whole chart things makes me tired just thinking about it. We did try that route when the oldest kiddos were young but just found it annoying. If we have fighting then those in trouble get work to do. I always have a million things to get done so they know better. If they don't want to be cleaning bathrooms the rest of the evening they will find a way to work things out. Also, fighting kids mean no friends over, no birthday parties with friends, etc. If you don't know how to treat your family with love and respect then you do not get the privilege of friends. In terms of toys, I don't care when they play with them as long as the other stuff is done. Like Kris, if they can't do that then there are no toys, simple. I am also flexible about reading. Kiddos 3 and 4 are not the best readers and have a hard time getting into a book but they both LOVE to read together. It may not happen every night (and reading chart be damned) but that has been the only way to make them enjoy books for now. I don't know, I guess I am a mean mommy but it is what works for us.

[scrub-jay]

My kids are younger, but I handle fighting (or any other "non-social" behavior) by telling them something along the lines of, "obviously, you're not feeling social right now. Go to your room and come back when you're ready to be with other people." It even works with my two year old. When we first started, I had to carry them to their rooms. Now, they basically put themselves in a time out. I personally think it's a great skill to learn young when you just need time to yourself.

I really like this, I think it is a great skill that many adults still need.

ETA: I think you need a poker-chip jar too, everytime the kids act up give yourself a poker chip.

[ladymoreta]

And when it fills up, you get to go to Vegas! Or somewhere else fun! Yes?

[Deebs]

I really like this, I think it is a great skill that many adults still need.

ETA: I think you need a poker-chip jar too, everytime the kids act up give yourself a poker chip.

I do have a jar for myself. It's called a wine glass, and every time the kids act up, I fill it

[peggyfromwastate]

Thanks for all the ideas-

Lately DD has been really behaving great- she never seems to get rewards though. I think a reward chart is more for ME to keep on track so that I dont' get sucked into the vortex of negative attention- and when the kids behave they can get a positive reward for that-- recognition of a job well done.

here is an example of where I am now:

What I did today and yesterday with Luke (6) was to set the timer on my iPhone (always have that with me, lol) if he hadn't started doing whatever in a reasonable time. So this morning, he's vegging out after breakfast, while I'm getting everyone ready, giving steven insulin, etc. I said, *Luke, clear your place, brush your teeth, and get your shoes on* Every day the same thing, you know... He should have it down. But no, staring off into space. So I tell him again. Same thing. 30 seconds later, I set the timer. *Luke, you have 5 minutes to get it all done. If you are not standing at the door ready to go when the timer goes off, you'll have 10 minutes *quiet* time in your room as soon as you get home from school....*

Yesterday I also set the timer. It didn't work so well (bedtimer routine). He cried and threw an absolute tantrum for the first 2 timer sessions-- each of which earned him ??? All I had was a time out after he comes home from school. Nothing really I can do at that point in time...

See- that's where I get stuck. There really is no PUNISHMENT I can give that would impact him on the spot. So if I had a reward chart, I could start with the timer (no more nagging) and say, if you make it in 5 minutes then you get a star, or a poker chip, or whatever. That's where I think I need a reward system of some sort.

And as far as fighting. Our house is small. We are in each other's faces all. day. long... It is almost always Luke who is picking fights with the other kids. Sometimes Steven does some Passive Aggressive BS that drives me nuts to get Luke going. Izzy ignores them--- until Luke starts sitting on her or something, then she goes berserk. But it's almost always Luke. And I send him to time outs all the time. On a normal Saturday, he's lost his Wii by the time breakfast is over, and he spends about 40% of the day in time out. There is relative peace when he's in timeout. Sometimes I forget he's IN timeout and so he stays there much longer. Ultimately, since he comes out of it and gets into the same crap, I don't think he's learning anything by time outs. It's not clicking. And he hasn't had the Wii or computer games or any of that for about 10 days now... So... ???

Anyway, sigh. It's just... Sigh. Annoying.

THe kids seem to be motivated by Pokemon cards at the time. Silly bandz too- but I think it's def more the Pokemon. We don't do candy, but they've been motivated by M&Ms before (good call about the mini sized ones), and quarters (saved for the summer pool snack shack fund), and extra Wii time.