Incentivize my kids please...

I've spent extensive time looking for reward charts for my kids. Melissa & Doug have a nice one, but it had too many behavioral things on it - maybe would work better for your older kids. I also looked at the On-Task On-Time For Kids timer. It's expensive, but it might give you some ideas of your own. You can find reviews at Amazon.

What I ended up doing was creating a picture schedule with clipart from the computer. I post it where we can see it. I also (before DS2 was born, when I had my act together) printed some pages & cut them into 4x6 cards for all the items on our schedule. (My kids can't read, and I can't draw, but you could do this faster by hand.) I put the cards in a cheapo (like $1) plastic photo flip-book. The kids can put little circle stickers on each page as they finish each scheduled item, so we end up with three stickers on each page. They love taking the stickers (disposable) back off to start again as much as putting them on. If we got off-schedule, it took a few days to get them used to being back on it again. I don't see the stickers being enough of an incentive for older kids, so you'd have to add a reward component.

Why not ask your kids what they think will work? What would they like to have as rewards? You'd have to go into it with some ideas of your own so you can guide them (my kids would change their minds 500 times during the conversation), but maybe they'd be more excited about something they helped to plan? Or instead of giving them completely free reign, give them choices: Would you rather get Pokeman cards or blah blah blah? Would you rather have this kind of chart or that one? Maybe the older ones could help create the to do list.

Sticking to a schedule helps my kids with their other behavioral issues more than anything else does. It's extremely difficult when DH is out of town and I'm *always* on duty, though. I think you're awesome for handling this as well as it sounds like you are.

[PrincessFiona]

Ugh Peggy....I have that too sometimes with the no immediate punishment thing. :/ Could you make him sit on the sofa alone for 10 minutes.

I've just become troll-like with my kids about this. We had the marble jar in our house for awhile. It worked really well for awhile. Each of them had a jar and they earned a marble for each task. At the end of the day, we counted up the marbles and they got a prize (dollar store) for >5. The older kids got .25cents/marble or something.

Problem? Eventually marbles started getting displaced from one jar to another and there was fighting about who earned or didn't earn marbles or how unfair it was that so and so had more marbles but kid x was SURE he did more than that person...and that the little kids had easier chores or that the sky was blue and the sun didn't set at just the right time....you get the idea....it became just another source of stress. :/

The child psychologist in our neighborhood started a sticker/star chart for her daughter and then told us recently that it worked for awhile until the child found the stickers and started filling up the chart herself. LOL

At some point, I feel so annoyed at having to coerce and cajole these kids with rewards to get them to do what they are supposed to do. Gaaah. This is my own rant, I guess. Darnit...why can't they just do what they are told and that's it? My kids expect to be able to go to the Skatin' Place, buy dresses for Homecoming, get money to go to the movies etc ... and act put out if they have to actually contribute to the family in order to get these things. Can you tell my teens are annoying me to no end today! LOL

Kris

I've not read through the other responses, but a friend mentioned a new iPhone app for behavior/chore rewards, and it looks really cool and easy to use. So IF you choose to go that route, it may be a lower-effort way of doing it. I'll get the name from her.

[DCJenn]

The reward chart ended up frustrating us both. Immediate responses for infraction in my house are loss of the item in question. Right now he's banned from TV for a week because I let him watch something before dinner last week and he ignored my calls for dinner- so the TV was turned off and it's not been back on since- the punishment ends on Saturday.

My behavior plan writing self (that's all I used to do- which is kinda funny now) required that the negative consequence must be related to the infraction- so he doesn't lose legos when he's late in the morning, he has to go to the office and explain to the secretary why he needs a tardy slip. (happened twice last year and at least this year I can use that as a final "well, then I guess you don't care if you have to go get a tardy slip" threat.

Parenting- it's so much easier in the books.

J.

[Vanquisher]

The chore chart thing can get really ugly. I just have a list on my fridge. You do all the things on your list, you get to play. You don't do all the things, you don't get to play (Computers, t.v., video games, outside play, etc.). That's it. If I notice a period of time where one child is doing really well on their chart without having to be reminded, rewards are given, but they are not calculated per good thing or anything like that. It's just a "I noticed you have been doing really well on your chore chart for the past few weeks, let's get you that video game you wanted or go for ice cream."

Alexia's goes like this:

BEFORE SCHOOL
Get Dressed
Eat Breakfast
Brush Teeth
Get Backpack ready for school for the day (folders, work, snack, water)
Brush hair
AFTER SCHOOL
Do Homework
Practice Piano
Clean Your Room/Help out with chores
Bathe

Ryan's is like so:

Get Ready for School (shower, dress, teeth, everything)
Homework
Practice Piano
Practice Guitar
Clean Room
Dishes
Mom’s choice chore

With Mom's choice chore, it can be anything that I ask him to do after he finishes his other chores. He come's to me and asks for his "Mom's Choice", and I tell him what it is. Today it was to straighten up the dining area. It can be anything from sorting laundry to taking out garbage, etc.

I make it simple. No stickers, no points. It's just a visual reminder of their responsibilities.

Eventually marbles started getting displaced from one jar to another...

The child psychologist in our neighborhood started a sticker/star chart for her daughter and then told us recently that it worked for awhile until the child found the stickers and started filling up the chart herself. LOL

Our photo flip books got abandoned when the kids pulled all the cards out and crumpled/ripped them. By then, we were going on our schedule and could keep it up without the reminders, so I still consider it successful. I want to revise it now to account for an infant & use it to get us started again. Many of the habits are still going, but not as consistently as I'd like.

Just curious about rewards - I understand about teaching natural consequences and making rewards/punishment as closely related to the original behavior as possible. But when, if ever, do you start teaching about delayed rewards, like saving money to buy something, or getting a good grade in a class you hate so you still qualify for a scholarship? I'd love for my kids to have intrinsic joy in setting aside money or learning everything, but that's not going to happen. Also, about stickers. I guess I don't understand the harm in it if it's used as a way of checking something off a list, and as a way of developing habits that will last beyond the use of the "system." ???

[HouseofWool]

We've really been struggling with this here too. Most of the time C is pretty good, but we have streaks where I would consider paying the gypsies to take him... Mostly, I have just been sending him to his room with the caveat that he is to sit on his bed and not play with his toys. Most of the time it works pretty well. Along the lines of, you need to go to your room until you get yourself under control. The infraction could be anything from an egregious eye roll to crying because he is overly frustrated. Not a punishment, but rather, a removal from what ever his trigger is until he has a better handle on his emotions. I've also made it very clear when it is so he can get a hold of himself (crying because he is frustrated and tired about homework) that it is NOT a punishment, but a chance for him to regroup. Then again, there are times where I have told him to go to his room because he is in trouble.

And removal of the offending object works well. Legos aren't picked up when they were supposed to be? Then they are mine for an arbitrary period of time. No democracy here.

[peggyfromwastate]

But when, if ever, do you start teaching about delayed rewards, like saving money to buy something, or getting a good grade in a class you hate so you still qualify for a scholarship? ??

For DD1 (14), there is nothing to motivate her to get good grades on classes she hates (math). She is all about her friends and what she wants to do when she wants to do it. College will happen if it does, and she's so not motivated. She's never been a competetive kid-- it's a lot easier for comptetive type-A kids to do well on school classes that they hate. (Like me- comptetive type A, I hated to have anyone get a better grade than I did regardless of if I liked the class-that is what motivated me). So, I don't know that you can teach them this aspect of it. I haven't found a way yet. I do try to talk to her about how if she PASSES her math she won't have to take math in college, or maybe just one class or something. That seems to motivate her a tiny bit.

As far as the $, I start giving allowance at about age 5- tied to the chores they have to do. Daily chores and weekend chores. The chores are a PITA, bc it's just one more thing I have to monitor, but I still feel like I should have them do something. They get $1 a week per year they are (DS and DD get $9 for being 9 years old, for example). It's A LOT of allowance. Especially for the little kids. So, I let them go shopping for a toy/books/whatever one time every 2 months. Before we go to the store, we go to the bank. They put money into their account. Steven has close to $500. This is really a savings account for the kids---- they feel *rich* but they really don't get to *spend*. They get a lot of pride out of saving $$. Even my 6 year old has over $100 saved now.

My teen pretty much uses her allowance up for social stuff. She isn't saving anymore, and I imagine with the younger kids they'll stop saving too when they hit the teen years. When DD1 (14) gets a job, she'll have to put some money in savings, but she'll have access to that money. I just want her to get used to putting money in the bank. Kate also uses her own money to buy lunch food (I give her $20 a month, which I think is fine since she can take a lunch from our house- they have open lunch in high school so her lunch money lasts about 3 days. She chooses to buy monster drinks for her friends, so... that's on her... ??? We have lots of stuff for making sandwiches here.

Anyway, the allowance and bank account thing is one of the things that work for the kids. Plus it helps me to not have to hear them ask me to buy them stuff at Toys R Us or wherever. It's on the calendar the day we are going, they plan what they want to buy, they can't spend a huge amount of moeny, but it's all discussed and hashed out ahead of time. It's really nice to hear now when we go to costco or somewhere and they see something they want how they police themselves-- Luke might say *Mom can I get this?* and Steven will say *Luke- you know that we're going shopping on Oct X, you need to wait until then*. I don't even have to remind them... Ahhhh... Wonder how long THAT will last.

[Phoebe]

We have the same issues at our house with my girls who turn 9,7 and 4 next week. It drives me crazy because I am outnumbered by three strongwilled, independent drama queens when DH isn't normally home for homework and occassionally bedtime. I have used a couple different reward charts for behaviors and the biggest problem is me sticking to it. I found an iphone app which is pretty good, but the free version only allows for one child. What finally worked best for me was posting the family rules in an obvious place and giving timeouts or removing privledges for not following the rules. I also started giving out pennies for being helpful or doing their jobs. Five pennies earned a small reward and twenty pennies got a bigger reward. It was simple and everyone liked earning the pennies. It also wasn't a fight about who had more pennies because I kept them up high enough that you couldn't tell how much the other sibling had.

[DCJenn]

Peggy-

You know I hated math. Hated it and didn't understand it and didn't understand why I needed to learn it. (and TBH, I still don't use geometry. Never have.) I think what finally clicked for me was my parents sitting me down and explaining that if I wanted to go to college, I HAD to pass because I HAD to graduate. (it was that bad) They then explained the laws of averages and that for every D I had in math, I needed, I required A's to balance out the D's to graduate with a C or a B average. and that I would NEVER get into college with a B average unless I got myself involved in other activities that could demonstrate that I had brains. (Hello school newspaper!) So, I did graduate with a whopping 2.6 GPA (failed Algebra II and got D-'s in every single other math class I took) but I was the wrestling manager, the Newspaper Editor, I participated in the Theater club and I was part of some other stuff which now escapes me. I also loaded the schedule once I got to electives in 11th and 12th grade with the stuff I loved and did well in- Sociology and Psychology and English classes (yes we had them in high school!)

My point is this- my parents to this day think I was a lazy learner when it came to math (I still have to THINK to do the 8 times table) but it was like learning Swahili to me. Maybe if you explain exactly what she's going to have to do to actually graduate and get in to school (go w/ Maryland)- have her look up the average GPA, the SATs and the extracurricular activities of the most recent class at UMD so that she can SEE what she has to do to go to that state school. Everyone and their brother could get in to MD when I was in high school because my years were lean years for numbers of kids. Now, it's hard to get in and she needs to see that now, before it's too late.

and look who is the PTA Treasurer (I did warn them though- but luckily my basic addition and subtraction skills are hanging tough.)

Jenn

PS- they could have grounded me for the rest of my life and it would have made not one bit of difference in my math grades.

[Ladybug]

It's fun reading these and peeking into all of our different family's dynamics. Some of you are so organized! Hats off!

I don't believe you should get into the habit of rewarding for every little positive behavior and thereby nuture a sense of entitilement. However, I think we all work for rewards, even as adults --paychecks, families, recognition, fame, glory, etc. We might not be rewarded for every little daily act, but we're generally working towards a bigger reward and picture, so I sprinkle my kids lives with rewards. I use rewards to align my goals with their goals, which can be quiet divergent to put it mildly. My girls respond particularly well to sweets, although I realize that might not be the best motivator in your family.

I've had the best intentions with chore and reward charts, and I think they're effective parenting tools, but our family is just too big and crazy to pull that together. I bought marbles...that I'm tripping on now because they've never made their way to a reward jar. I put up a dry erase board to check chores off...and the kids do seem to enjoy drawing on it at least. The reality of our famiy just isn't practical for a structured reward system, so I just guage the day, moods (including my own) and situation and throw in an incentive when I think it will get us all safely to the other side.
.
The reality is that you have 5 kids (including a diabetic!) and no husband right now. If it takes rewards and bribes to get you to the other side then go for it. You can try structuring it, but structure can be a time and energy suck. Whatever it takes to motivate each individual child...do it. You can phase out the rewards appropriately later when Mac is back and you have some support and energy.

I love Kris's idea about hot chocolate and homework. I'm going to start that and try to make it a time that they have my attention. Easier said than done, right? Can you pay Kate to babysit/entertain the kiddos while you do homework duty?

Mornings are crazy. If they get dressed/brushed/eat/clean up early they can watch cartoons until it's time to leave. I remind them of this 1000 times each morning. The other night I put DD3 in regular clothes because all the PJs were dirty. It was awesome in the morning because I just changed her diaper and she was dressed already. Why do kids wear PJs anyways? Maybe I'll put the girls in their school clothes after bathes each night. Why not? I'll tell them it's normal and everyone does this. You only think I'm kidding. I have to get myself dressed for work each morning now too...

[DCJenn]

Hey- it's worked for college students for eons! I can't tell you how many 8am classes I made wearing the clothes i wore the night before- *usually for OTHER reasons besides ease of the am routine but hey- it worked!

Jenn

[peggyfromwastate]

Peggy-

You know I hated math. Hated it and didn't understand it and didn't understand why I needed to learn it. (and TBH, I still don't use geometry. Never have.) I think what finally clicked for me was my parents sitting me down and explaining that if I wanted to go to college, I HAD to pass because I HAD to graduate. (it was that bad) They then explained the laws of averages and that for every D I had in math, I needed, I required A's to balance out the D's to graduate with a C or a B average. and that I would NEVER get into college with a B average unless I got myself involved in other activities that could demonstrate that I had brains. (Hello school newspaper!) So, I did graduate with a whopping 2.6 GPA (failed Algebra II and got D-'s in every single other math class I took) but I was the wrestling manager, the Newspaper Editor, I participated in the Theater club and I was part of some other stuff which now escapes me. I also loaded the schedule once I got to electives in 11th and 12th grade with the stuff I loved and did well in- Sociology and Psychology and English classes (yes we had them in high school!)

My point is this- my parents to this day think I was a lazy learner when it came to math (I still have to THINK to do the 8 times table) but it was like learning Swahili to me. Maybe if you explain exactly what she's going to have to do to actually graduate and get in to school (go w/ Maryland)- have her look up the average GPA, the SATs and the extracurricular activities of the most recent class at UMD so that she can SEE what she has to do to go to that state school. Everyone and their brother could get in to MD when I was in high school because my years were lean years for numbers of kids. Now, it's hard to get in and she needs to see that now, before it's too late.

and look who is the PTA Treasurer (I did warn them though- but luckily my basic addition and subtraction skills are hanging tough.)

Jenn

PS- they could have grounded me for the rest of my life and it would have made not one bit of difference in my math grades.

Jenn I really appreciate this so much when you tell me about your math woes!! Dh and I just never struggled with it, but the Swahili example sounds about right. She whips out a calculator for her times tables. I still have PTSD from trying to get her to learn her times tables in 3rd grade. It was, as with all math, horrible.

She really doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, and that makes it tough. She's in sports as extracurriculars right now, which I find amusing bc she hated sports until 6th grade. I think I'll show her what she needs to go to college- bc she wants to go to college for the social aspect right now. By the time she gets there, she may be more into thinking about *the rest of her life*, but... I'm not sure.

She really has a huge heart for the underdog. I can see her going into social work someday. She thinks she wants to be a hairdresser... I think a hairdresser can definitely be a therapist, so there you go.

Anyway, and ITA about grounding. Grounding her will make not an iota of a difference on her math grade.

As it is, she gets very frustrated bc when she studies a lot for math, and really tries, she doesn't get any success. It's frustrating for all concerned... It is hard for me to relate, I just have to remind myself that she's doing HER best... Oh well...

[DCJenn]

and thus, I was a social work major- which was absolutely about finding the major that had the least number of math requirements. (and I still failed Statistics for the Social Sciences and Accounting 101 and had to take them at Montgomery College.)

As I'm typing this I'm also wondering why no one ever tested me for a math learning disability!!!

Anyway, remind her that hairdressers have to file quarterly income tax if they're self-employed! She at least needs to be able to do that!

Jenn