siblings with different popularity levels --help!

[Ladybug]

I have 2 DDs in school now and one seems to be much more popular than the other...and that other is hurt and confused. They are 2.5 years apart,there is one grade between them and in they are in the same hallway/playground time Today was hard. The older students kept stopping by the health office to ask the younger sister for hugs, goodbyes, etc., but didn't pay any attention to the older sister. She acts like she's reading a book, but she's watching everything out of the corner of her eye. *Sigh* Today her face turned all red and then she burst into tears when the older students left the room saying that "none of the girls want to hug me." I spoke with her about becoming a big girl...that they don't hug their own friends like the litle preK girls, and now they see her as a big girl. I also emphasized that she can also say hello like a big girl without waiting on them now.

So far they (sisters) have had a normal and healthy relationship, but they are starting to realize these social difference and it's hard. I'm unsure how to handle it.

THoughts?

[PrincessFiona]

I have no advice .... Just hugs. We have the exact same thing. Alex (11) is the popular one and is well known in Andrew's grade. All of the kids joke with him and talk to him. Andrew (almost 16) is really starting to feel it. It was magnified this week when Alex was voted to play a role in the holiday play by the high schoolers. Alex is in 6th grade but is going to do it. No one asked Andrew, so he feels really left out.

All I know to do is to be positive and supportive, but it's hard. I hurt for Andrew and wish he had a more easy going personality.

Maybe someone will come in with an answer for us both.

No advice here, but more of the same. Again, older one - not so popular, middle one - rockstar. Quinn gets invited for playdates, sleepovers, etc. -- nada for Jacob. It's hard.

[MDPhDWife]

We have the same situation here only the older DD is far more outgoing/popular and the younger is shy and reserved. She tends to hang out with her sister's friends instead of making the effort to form her own friendships. I thought this was typical for the eldest to be the popular one, I'm surprised that isn't the case with you guys. I'm curious to see how others have dealt with this.

[diggitydot]

I think how you elect to deal with the situation is dependent on the kid and their age.

DD1 and DD2 are a little over 4 years apart in age so they don't typically hang with or want to hang with the same group of peeps. On the other hand, DD2 and DS are 2 1/2 years apart and occasionally have overlapping friends. If they're both invited to the same shindig, cool. If not, that's cool too. Whatever the reason, it's OK for kids to learn that their siblings can do things without them and have different groups of friends.

I truly don't think anyone is trying to ostracize anyone else. Kids are dolts when it comes to stuff like this and likely don't know that it bothers your oldest. If she's pretending it's OK, it likely doesn't even occur to them that it could be hurting her feelings. I wouldn't say anything to the other girls because they're responding to vastly different input from each of your girls in completely appropriate manners. I think you're 100% correct talking with DD1 about how she approaches social interactions with these other girls. She can't control the other kids' behavior, only her own in how she chooses to interact with them.

[diggitydot]

I don't know if I'd consider their behavior a mistake. If the older child is pretending to ignore them, she could have been perceived as standoffish. Pushing themselves onto someone seemingly uninterested in their attentions would be inappropriate.

[MrsK]

While it may be hard for kids to deal with, I think it is pretty common for siblings to have different personalities, social skills, friends, popularity, interests, etc. My brothers are very close in age with entirely opposite personalities. As kids, the oldest was very bookish, socially awkward, and sort of unfriendly. The younger was socially savvy and had a very charming personality. At summer camp when all the boys would line up for snow cones, my brothers would both start at the center of the line. Then the boys would all jostle around and by the time the snow cone booth opened, the younger brother would have worked his way up to the frong of the line and the older would have found himself last in line. I think the important thing was to praise each of the brothers for his individual gifts, to encourage each of them to develop their own interests and to make their own friends while offering social "tips" when needed. Certainly, you defend your kid and make sure their siblings defend them if they are being bullied and you don't encourage either child to be friends with someone that bullies their sibling. However, I don't think you can force someone to be friends with your kid. That generally backfires and kids know the difference between false friendships and sincere ones developed due to mutual interests and affection. At the end of the day, I don't think either of my brothers thought much about who was more popular. They each had their own friends and were happy with their friendships.