Bullying

[Deebs]

How is there not a thread on this? DD (6 - in Kindergarten) has come home everyday since break and been terrible. She has been completely erratic emotionally (like laughing to crying in two seconds flat). Finally, yesterday she told me that "Sally," who is a girl DD really wanted to be friends with when we moved here is "bullying (her) all day." I don't know what to believe. On one hand, I think this could be DD's dramatic personality, coupled with the fact that Sally is the best reader in the class, fastest in the class, etc, and just doesn't want to be friends with DD. On the other hand, I've seen Sally at school and was secretly glad she and DD aren't friends. She's kind of a nasty child. DD said she can't tell the teacher because that is tattling and she'll get in trouble. I totally get that kindergartners tattle all day long, but now I'm worried that she feels she can't tell anyone.

This morning, I told DD that anytime someone puts her down, she needs to tell herself, inside her head, something great about her self, including examples (I am smart, I am a good person, etc). Then, she needs to find something good or kind to say to that person. If they say, "you are stupid" she should tell herself "I AM smart" and tell the person - "you are really good at reading." I am trying to teach her self affirmation, and a little bit of verbal judo.

I also emailed the teacher. I don't know if I should have. This is where I hesitate of when and how much to push. I am worried that maybe this is just DD having a hard time adjusting to the move, and trying to find a reason why. I don't want to blame another child, but I am going to tell the teacher who DD is saying she is having a problem with. I also made it very clear that I fully realize MY child may actually be the problem/instigator, but that I want to deal with that if it is the case.

Did I do the right thing and what else should I do? I am just so afraid that she'll stop loving school and her spirit will be crushed. This job is so hard!!!!

[diggitydot]

I think emailing the teacher to gain their perspective is always a great place to start the conversation. Teachers typically see and hear more than parents and may have some good insight.

[poky]

I think emailing the teacher to gain their perspective is always a great place to start the conversation. Teachers typically see and hear more than parents and may have some good insight.

Absolutely; especially if you come at it as "this is what I'm hearing, what are YOU seeing?", rather than "my daughter says x, I demand you do y now!", and it sounds like you're avoiding that pitfall.

[Pollyanna]

You are doing the right thing. Your daughter is exhibiting signs that don't go along with her "making this up". I know EXACTLY the kind of girl your daughter is dealing with, and depending on how savvy the little brat is she likely does not do anything in front of the teacher. Go with your mama instinct on this one but don't necessarily count on the teacher being able to do much. Girl bullies don't beat up kids on the playground, they are much more underhanded then that and very hard to catch in the act. I am so sorry your daughter is having to deal with this. DD9 fourth grade class is full of bullies, and they have been bullies since kindergarten. Our older kids are appalled at what her class is like. Big hugs to your and your daughter

[Ladybug]

She's also at an age where it's very hard to tell the difference between telling and tattling. I like this program and have used it at home, although probably not consistently enough. You might ask her teacher how she is teaching them the difference so that you can continue it at home.

http://www.hrmvideo.com/resources/717_Wise_Owl_Says.pdf

I also like Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons. It's a book about female aggression.

[Ladybug122]

I agree with emailing the teacher. If nothing else, at least it puts the Sally/your DD interaction on her radar. I have had one issue this year with bullying and my DS (I couldn't believe it starts so young!). Long story short...I happened to be friends with the bully's mom and in a very nice way mentioned that the boys "don't seem to be getting along very well" and how my DS is a bit sensitive and might not realize it when her son is "kidding." (BTW, her son can be totally rotten, his comments are not kidding in anyway - they are hurtful and inappropriate at times, but I didn't know how else to phrase it without being too forward). One afternoon, I witnessed her son push mine about 10 feet backwards into a stone wall and then told him he couldn't play football with the rest of the kids. I had DD and was too far away to stop it from where I was (without making a huge scene by screaming across the schoolyard), but I had a quick eye level chat with the buly as soon as I reached them telling him I never want to see him do that again and to apologize. I later told the mother of the bully (she wasn't there) what happened and we have not had any problems since. He can still be a punk, but his mother is all over him. She has actually asked advice from me as to what to do about his behavior! ??? Anyway, my take away message from this experience is get involved when you become aware if a potential issue. I'm glad I did.

There are some mean kids out there and it is heartbreaking as a parent to watch your kid be picked on.

[GrayMatterWife]

Absolutely contact the teacher. She should be your ally on your child's education. As a former teacher, I would offer that I appreciated the timely, nonconfrontational expression of concerns regarding personality dynamics that I may not have been able to notice "on the ground.". I could better help the child, even if I couldn't solve the problem entirely.

[Deebs]

You guys all made me feel so much better. It's hard to know when to let kids work things out and when to step in. So, I emailed the teacher, giving her a little bit of info, and asked her to call me. We had a 40 minute phone conversation, and I feel very good about how things were left. She also assured me that she was glad I let her know.

The teacher said that her girls this year are very clicky, and felt terrible for not picking up on this. It absolutely has been instances in whispers or outside of the classroom where no adult would know what was going on. Teacher basically interviewed the girls and it seems it is just the one girl DD is having trouble with. The girl independently confirmed all of the nasty comments and actions DD had complained about. She basically busted herself. This girl can read, is the fastest, and very pretty (physically). The kids look up to her and it has been causing problems.

Teacher role played with the girls, and then the entire class some bullying behaviors and language, responses, talked about inclusion, and then talked to DD specifically about the difference between tattling and telling when it's important (I will check out that link, too - thank you). She said as she used herself as an example, teacher intentionally said that shes not good at art, but no one would tell her that (apparently this girl told DD that her drawings are stupid). DD interrupted and told teacher that shes seen her work and her art is very good. She said that is an example of how much DD is not the problem. Shes very empathic and apparently works to boost other kids up. Unfortunately, that's exactly why i worry about her being a target. Teacher is going to check in on the kids after each special, recess, and during free choice.

I feel so good about the school we r in. Teacher isn't bringing in a social worker yet, but is going to see if there is a positive change after talking with the class and then might bring him in. She is going to talk to him to see if DD would fit in a group for new kids or something else. She still doesn't have any friends that she seems to click with here, and I'm worried about that.

I'm anxious for DD to get home to see if she brings this up on her own and what her take is. If anyone else has any ideas, let me know. I hate mean girls, and I really just distanced myself from them as a kid. I have no clue what to do with them.

[Thirteen]

Ugh, mean girls. I'm so sorry! You did the right thing - my mom teaches, and deals with this sort of issue all the time.

(a botched quote, but so true):

"Boys do damage, that you can measure, in dollar signs. Girls do damage, in your heart and soul, that you find later in your psyche." -Louis C.K.


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[SuzySunshine]

Six years old? Really? I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Deb, I'm SO not ready for any of this.

And the bullying and back-stabbing, etc. is reason #1 I'd like to find a preschool to send A to next year that is diverse in both race and economic level. I know that the area we are looking at is very well to do and I worry about raising my kids in that when I have no experience in it myself.

Sorry, hijack over.

[Ladybug122]

Deb, I am glad to hear the teacher was so receptive to your concerns. Sounds like a quality teacher. I hope the role playing helped your DD (and Sally).

[Phoebe]

Deb, I am glad to hear the teacher was so receptive to your concerns. Sounds like a quality teacher. I hope the role playing helped your DD (and Sally).

This!

[Deebs]

Dd came home SO happy today!!! I actually kind of had to tell her to stop talking for a minute - she was just bubbling over. It just reaffirmed that I did the right thing and hopefully the teacher's intervention won't wear off by tomorrow. . This also lit a fire under my butt to help her get more involved and meet more people. Thank you guys again - it truly does take a village, and I'm so happy to know that you are all part of MY village.

Also, just wanted to clarify, I did make up the name "Sally" - to protect the not-necessarily innocent.

[peggyfromwastate]

So glad this is developing this way and your teacher sounds like a treasure!!!

I just wanted to throw out there that my dd2 didn't really make friends until about grade 3. In grade 1 she was still with her twin in the classroom, but even then she pretty much did her own thing. As in she drew by herself, read by herself, etc. I had a friend who had a social butterfly kid the same age as my dd-- she told me my dd was a little "odd"... Dude! Whatever! That friend didn't have much tact! Luckily I have a thick skin...

Anyway... In grade 2, dd2 was in her own class (not with brother) but her "friend" was a mean girl, who eventually told dd that she didn't like her, didn't want to hang out with her, etc. Dd wasn't too upset to be honest- she just wasnt really looking for a BFF at the time. She just thought she should be friends with this girl bc everyone liked her, plus the mean girl had a crush on ds the twin.

In 3rd grade she met a kindred spirit. A tiny little indian girl who is about 1 foot shorter than dd- they make quite a pair! They love crafts etc etc. they just clicked, but I think it was a matter of shared interests AND the fact that dd was interested in forming friendships.

In the 6yo playset, play dates are nice but I don't think a lot of kids are ready for (mature enough) actual friendships.

That's not to say we should tolerate bullying-- not at all. Just to tell you to not worry if it seems she's not clicking. Her kindred spirit just might not be "ready" yet. Who knows... I think in this age group the teachers and aides do a good job of keeping all the kids engaged so there's rarely a time where 1 kid might be left out-- this happens later... There's a big emphasis on "family" and "we are all friends" here- I don't know if that's the standard but it makes a lot of sense!!

Anyway-- great catch, way to communicate with the teacher, and I'm really glad things are looking up!!!

[Deebs]

My concern with friendships is because of all the moves. In Columbus, we had a really tight social network. When we moved, we had visitors from Columbus making the 6 hour trek monthly to see us. In Bloomington it wasn't as much, but dd had two close friends. She keeps telling me that she has no friends because we moved away from them (and she's totally right). Basically, it all stems back to Mommy guilt. I just feel like if she had one friend she did click with, I'd feel like she was more settled. The schools here are awesome, as is her teacher and principal. We did our research before moving here, and it is paying off. (dh is actually at a Dads club meeting right now). Moving just generally sucks an I want my kids to kind of forget we ever lived anywhere else. And, for you therapist types, I realize I'm probably totally projecting my own feelings onto my kids.