The talk

[Ladybug]

Once again I'm looking to tap into our collective parenting wisdom and experiences. When did you (or plan to) broach the topic of puberty and/or sex? How did you discuss it in an age appropriate way? What questions did your kids have? Do you do things differently with each child based on your experience, having older sibs, etc.? I know that we all approach this topic differently and I'm interested in hearing everyone's parenting experiences.

I plan to start this conversation with DD8 this year. I've read about describing sex as "big special hug" that can sometimes make a new baby, and it's a way parents show each other how much they love each other and are commited to each other, what commitment means, etc. and then developing this coversation over the years as their information and social interactions mature. Our school addresses the topic of puberty changes in 4th grade so I'm not sure if I will address that prior to 4th grade. We've touched on breast development/breast feeding, vaguely what/when puberty is (your body developes into a woman's body, usually starts around middle school).

[diggitydot]

We explained things very technically, using proper terms. We avoid vague or inexact explanations because it causes unnecessary confusion to our kiddos. But we cover this subject differently with each kid, depending on their level of understanding and their questions.

Do whatever you think will work best for your family and kiddos.

[GrayMatterWife]

I'm so glad you brought this up! i just had this conversation with DS (first grade, 7 yrs old).

He knew the basics about reproduction from Nat-Geo TV and his science classes. And he knew the rudimentary stuff about DNA. And he knew that in mammals, the baby grows in the uterus and is expelled through the vagina after contractions.

So, I figured it was time to bring in all home, to make sure that he wasn't missing key elements of the process. (Just as a note: I do not do well with euphemisms, and DS does not respond well to them--I decided to use biological terms instead. To each his own, I guess. I know some people may find it too clinical.) Anyhow, this is how it went:

As we were driving along one afternoon (wanted to bring it up casually, so I didn't alarm him), I asked him specifically if he knew how, in mammalian reproduction, the male sperm cell united with the female egg cell. He said that he knew it came out of the penis, produced by the testes, but he could quite figure the rest out. So I just told him that the penis becomes engorged with blood and very stiff, which allows it to slide into the vagina. And, the sensation of doing this feels very good, and the physical reaction is to ejaculate the sperm in to the vagina in the semen mixture. And that this allows the sperm to swim through the cervix and hunt for an egg to unite with.

He listened very carefully, and said, "So that's how you and Dad make babies?"

"Yes."

DS: "You never do this in front of me. I've never seen you."

"That's because it is a grown-up activity. It is a way for Dad and me to show our love for each other, but it is a private expression of love."

DS: "That's good. I don't think I want to see that. Let's keep it private."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

We also recently discussed puberty. I can't remember how it came up, exactly--I think we were talking about why some people mistake his voice for his sister's on the phone. I explained that his voice would change when he turned 13 or 14, as his body began to grow into the body he would have as a grown up. I told him he would suddenly get much taller, grow facial hair, public hair, and get a lower voice. His response: "Did Dad go through puberty? He is pretty short." (Let's not share that one with DH...!) I also explained that girls go through something similar. I said that's when girls begin to grow breasts and their hips widen. He asked if that would happen to his sisters one day, and I said yes.

I did not talk about girls' periods. I think, from a scientific educational viewpoint, he would find that fascinating and appreciate knowing how that affected reproduction. However, I was concerned that he might--innocently--bring this up at school in science class, and I didn't want the teachers to have to deal with that. And I did NOT want to tell him that he shouldn't talk about it, like the female reproductive cycle is a dirty secret or shameful thing.

Do you think I handled all this OK? With DH out of town, all this stuff is kind of on me. I hope I am doing it right. DH was sort of concerned when I told DS the truth about what happened when my sister terminated her pregnancy when they found out that the baby's heart was irreparably malformed. I explained what was happening (I didn't want to get grisly, of course--I said that the doctor was going to cause the baby to be born too early, and DS said, "And the baby cannot survive too early, right?" -- so he got it), and why my sister and her husband and their doctor had chosen this--but I tried to use very age-appropriate terms and explanations. It was really hard, given our religious beliefs (and values, which I wanted to make clear) but also making it clear that my sister came at the situation from a different belief system and was trying to act in the baby's best interests from that belief system--that the baby was very loved and everyone was very sad. At first, DH thought that I should have just told DS that my sister "lost" the baby. "Lost"?? Like a missing housekey? What if DS then worries that I will lose him if he gets sick?? I understand that the phrase is a social nicety that helps adults deal with the situation, but I don't think that is helpful to DS! He knew she was pregnant and knew that the baby had a grave problem. Euphemisms would not have been helpful and might have scared him.

Anyhow, I am understand how you feel...parenting is HARD.

[DCJenn]

We've had to talk about it probably more than others because of the whole- but wait- how can you be my mom and yet I was born in Russia thing...

We keep it very dry and clinical when it comes to the 'parts'- bores him to tears. The harder part is explaining why some people have babies and keep them and some people have babies and give them to other people!

J.

[Momo]

Same as diggity. DD1 knows about puberty and what happens to the female body, she turns 8 next week. (Holy cow!)

We watch a lot of animal/nature shows and I figure I'll utilize some of what they understand from that, to help explain about humans coupling& mating.

[GrayMatterWife]

We've had to talk about it probably more than others because of the whole- but wait- how can you be my mom and yet I was born in Russia thing...

We keep it very dry and clinical when it comes to the 'parts'- bores him to tears. The harder part is explaining why some people have babies and keep them and some people have babies and give them to other people!

J.

I hadn't ever thought about that whole extra layer of explanations that are needed for adopted kids, Jenn. Wow... the biology is not even remotely challenging compared to those other issues. Yay, adoptive parents!!

[Ladybug]

I plan to use the word sex and explain some of the basic anatomy, but use the hug, etc. to frame the technical within the emotional aspect of sex. I guess I didn't explain that well.

[HouseofWool]

I have no idea how to broach the whole subject. DS just turned 9 and was 6 when his sister was born. We had talked extensively about how the baby grew is a special place in a woman's body, protected by a sack of water, that when it was time for the baby to be born, the bag breaks, the water spills and that with the help of a doctor, the baby comes out. I answered each of his questions honestly and tried to avoid euphemisms. (Yes, it is painful to have a baby, but it is a short term pain that I am okay with having. No, you won't be there when she is born, but Dad will get you as soon as possible after that.) Never once has he asked how the baby got in there. I haven't had the courage to discuss it again but I am starting to think that I need to particularly as he approaches puberty. *sigh*

[scrub-jay]

GMW - I think I will model my future "talks" after yours, I think you tailored it perfectly to your son and he responded well. I suppose I am not a euphemism person either, but like most parenting, I think following your gut depending on the individual child is the best bet.

[Thirteen]

I was 8. The conversation was started, and I had several "evening chats" with my parents, sometimes both, sometimes one-on-one. We started with biological/physiological, and then moved into emotional/religious aspects of sexual reproduction and intimacy. A few nights, it was just about questions that I had, and addressing them.
The one that caught my mom a little off-guard? "What happens if people get pregnant, but don't want the baby?"
[My mom and dad explained abortion to me. Not in graphic detail, but they didn't shy away from it either.]
I do not remember in any way feeling embarrassed, weird or gross, as it all seemed to make sense (sex, intimacy, love, adults and parents, timing, etc).
They even had a few books for me as well, since I was an avid reader: one or two were all questions and answers, and the third one was a very scientific book that showed pictures of the developing fetus, sexual reproductive organs, and even some shots of L&D, complete with crowning babies.
I have since learned that very many of my friends did not get these interactions with their parents, and I now know that those conversations are incredibly sacred and precious (AND HARD!).
I am grateful for both my mom and dad.

The conversation continued throughout most of my adolescence, and even into college. Having that kind of communication is one of the reasons I love them so much.

[SoonerTexan]

I say this completely seriously, but I was the kid who would have been afraid to hug anyone if I was told a "big special hug" is how babies come about. I'm not kidding. I was afraid to go near my great-uncle for a year at age 6 or 7 because I heard he had "heart disease" and I didn't want to catch it. Now I totally was a very paranoid child, so there's that

I got a talk at a relatively young age but I cannot remember exactly when. Earlier probably would have been better honestly...outside influences via TV and friends probably sink in earlier than we realize. I did have many very open and valuable conversations about sex and relationships (largely in the context o our faith) with my mom as a teen and they were probably the most important. She also gave my sister and I a book in middle school that answered a lot of the hard questions from a Catholic perspective. It was really good...I didn't want to ask my mom some of those things. I actually just ordered the book for my sister in law for her confirmation.

[Vanquisher]

There is a great, fantastic, amazing book for girls that I cannot recommend enough:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1562476661

This book does not discuss sex, but is a straightforward puberty guide at a 9-10 year old level.

It's an ongoing, evolving, deepening discussion at our house depending on age, maturity, and questions. We also have ongoing discussions about a variety of other topics: smoking, drugs, alcohol, driving, etc.

[Bittersweet]

I say this completely seriously, but I was the kid who would have been afraid to hug anyone if I was told a "hug special hug" is how babies come about. I'm not kidding. I was afraid to go near my great-uncle for a year at age 6 or 7 because I heard he had "heart disease" and I didn't want to catch it. Now I totally was a very paranoid child, so there's that

Ha ha, I was just going to post that my poor sister was convinced she was pregnant because she hugged a boy at school. My mom hadn't explained sex beyond the "adult hug" concept thinking she had more time to clarify. I ended up spilling the beans to comfort my horrified sister. Needless to say, we will use a more matter of fact and biological method to explain the birds and the bees.

[Ladybug]

Good point. Gah. Back to the drawing board. I'm glad I brought it up. Thanks everyone.

[Ladybug]

Thanks, Heidi. I'm going to look into it today.