At home consequences for school infractions?

[Michele]

Do you punish your kids at home for misbehavior at school? What sort of punishments? Rewards for good behavior?

[diggitydot]

Do you punish your kids at home for misbehavior at school? What sort of punishments? Rewards for good behavior?

For us, it depends on what happened. If one of the kids gets into seriously DEEP shit at school, that shitstorm typically follows them home. However, if it's total BS that is overblown by their teacher, I blow it off. For example, DD1 isn't getting in trouble at home when her weird band director has a hissy fit that French club has a previously planned event that clashes with the shitty pep band unexpectedly needing to travel 3 hours away to attend the basketball state tournament. Weird band director can suck it up and deal like a big girl.

However, when DS was kissing girls at school and his teacher thought it a big enough deal to ask me to talk with him about it when he got home -- I talked with him about appropriate behaviors. He wasn't "in trouble" per se, but he needed correcting.

[spotty_dog]

If I get the information from the teacher, that should mean the reward or punishment has already taken place. I might ask DS how he feels about what happened, and talk about what to do next time he is tempted to misbehave or else ways he can continue to behave well. But rewarding for a reward undermines the reward, IMO, and if the punishment needs a secondary reinforcer to be able to enact a behavior change, then it was an inadequate punishment and that needs to be addressed at the school level. And/or if it's a serious behavior with ongoing repercussions, I need to coordinate with the teacher to make sure we're making a meaningful change for the kiddo.

If I get the information from the kiddo, then I don't want to discourage him coming to me by punishing bad news and I don't want to become the motivation for good behavior by rewarding good news. So again I pretty much turn it back on how he feels and offer coaching suggestions. "A teacher pulled you aside to talk to you about using your hands too much at recess? Hm, you knew about that rule, because I've heard you mention it before. Are you going to work on not doing that? What's a good way remind yourself to play without grabbing people?" Or, "You were sitting on the rug and you ignored the kids trying to act silly and distract you? Learning to focus on your work is so important to practice! Sounds like you are really able to pay attention and learn when you do that."

So, no. I don't punish or reward for behavior at school. But I'm not a punish/reward mom most of the time anyway.

[Michele]

He gets notes home and timeouts at school for not listening/lack of self control. Also has to sit alone at lunch a lot for talking too loud at lunch. Yesterday he threw his note out and was sent to the principal. I'm at a loss for how to fix this. Some are quick to blame the divorce, R was quick to mention that maybe I'm working too much and am not available enough. It is definitely related to sleep and lack there of. D's impulse control SUCKS when he is over tired. There isn't time in the day for him to nap and he goes to bed at 7:30-8pm and wakes at 5:30-6am. I can't move bedtime. I'm not home.

[Phoebe]

In this case, I think I would reward good behavior or days without notes or timeouts. How about a playdate if he doesn't get any notes home for a week? Or a special outing. Is he in Kindergarten? I think I would have a chat with the teacher and try to get her to implement some kind of small reward for him for good behavior too. Such as, an important job in the class or something. I don't agree that he should be made to eat lunch alone. Kids get a 30 minute lunch and 15 minute recess at our school. It isn't enough for some kids. What is the discipline system in D's class? Notes aren't sent home to parents for DD3 unless you flip two cards (get in trouble twice) in one day. They also get stickers for good behavior and get to pick prizes for earning a certain amount. If the notes aren't mandatory, can the teacher email you instead? Whether you can blame D's behavior on your divorce or not, I think he is being set up to fail with all the negative consequences. There was a boy in DD3's preschool class who acted out because his mother was dying of cancer. The teachers set up a reward system for good behavior and that helped him.

If my kids were getting in trouble at school for a lack of impulse control, which happens to DD2 frequently, I usually talk to them about what they can do differently next time. If they harmed someone else, I would probably say that couldn't have playdates for awhile.

[spotty_dog]

Poor guy. I guess to me this is pretty much age-appropriate especially with the sleep issues. What's getting him up in the AM, is it him jumping out of bed or is it an early bus time (my friend in FL says y'all start early so you can get out early and avoid the worst heat?) It bums me out that they are making him be responsible for his note home that says he was bad. He's SIX. Of course that is uncomfortable for him and he'll look for ways out! Did anyone tell him before hand that it's NOT alright to throw it in the garbage? Sigh.

R can suck it. Guess what single moms have to do to support their kids when lame-o dads do unforgivable things? Grr. D is going to be fine, he is growing up all the time and he will get through this. I just feel for him. I work in our kindergarten classroom at least once per week and the challenging kids are sometimes the most awesome personalities (and largely I feel like the teachers treat them that way). Can you talk to him? My DS is sometimes really candid about how he feels about problems and about his ideas for solving them.

[Michele]

Yes kindergarten. He gets warnings and redirections. Then the timeouts to the kindergarten aid. The timeouts get the note that has to be signed by me. The warnings and redirections get a mini note in his go home folder. The solo lunches I only find out about if I ask him. I'm not informed of those and I have commented that a week of solo lunches warrants a mention to me! If he's "really bad" at lunch he gets a week or more of solo lunches. I think it's harsh, but there isn't much room for negotiation.

I get up at 5 so I can shower before the kids wake up. K wakes up early and that usually wakes everyone else up too. If I stay in bed and someone is able to keep K quiet, D and P will sleep until almost 7. We leave the house between 7:30 and 8am. If/when we move in with my parents, bedtime will be earlier and there is a better chance that K can be kept quiet during my shower.

They are missing me....the boys have both ended up in my bed the past two nights. Granted I've also been too tired to walk them back to their beds.

When D has a good day, he (and the rest of the class) get a "Golden Dog Bone". Bad behavior brings them to the meadow and then there are two paths to the dog house....so quite a few chances and they can go back up if they are good. And since D is smart and academically advanced (he's also age old enough for 1st), his teacher will give him extra challenging work if he shows good self control...so the "Golden Bone" and extra work are both incentives.

I could do play dates on my weekends, but I'm not sure if that's "instant" enough. My mom used to give him M&Ms for the "Bone" because K and P get M&Ms for pottying.

Poor kid is exhausted and there just isn't more time in our day for him to sleep.

[GrayMatterWife]

Do you punish your kids at home for misbehavior at school?

Hell, yes. And, hence, my kids generally behave at school. Even if they don't fear the teachers, they fear me.

They know very well that they are expected to behave at school, and the teachers know that I am there to support them and back them up if there are any issues. I used to teach. I dealt with WAY too many parents who either (1) wanted nothing to do with their children's school issues (they figured, they are the school's problem during school hours), or (2) blamed the teachers for their kids problems and failed to give any kind of support to the teachers. They were horrible examples of respecting teachers, appreciating authority, and looking out for their kids' best interests.

What sort of punishments?

Depends on the infraction. When there are issues, I come to the school, meet with the teacher, then appropriately punish at home, too. I have done everything from grounding, standing in corner, writing a letter of apology, revocation of privileges, etc.

There was one--only ONE--circumstance where DS got in trouble, and when I heard the teacher's version of what happened, I genuinely thought that she misunderstood the situation, and did not punish him further. But, even with that, I backed her up on her punishment. I told DS in front of his teacher: "Life is not fair. I happen to believe you, but your teacher did not. And my judgment does not usurp your teacher's judgment in her classroom. You have a BIG problem on your hands--and your problem is NOT whether you actually committed the misbehavior. Your problem is trust [he had tried to manipulate a situation to his advantage earlier in the school year, and got caught--why SHOULD she trust him??]. You need to focus on rebuilding that trust relationship with your teacher, which means you have a long road to hoe. And, in the meantime, you have to take your lumps." I did not punish him further at home, but I did help him come up with a "game plan" for earning back his teacher's trust. He ended up doing a really good job and has rebuilt his relationship with that teacher. By the way, that teacher LOVES me.

Rewards for good behavior?

No. Why would I reward for baseline acceptable behavior? You are expected to behave in school, kiddo. You don't get special rewards for doing the minimum.

I do, however, tell them how much I appreciate their good behavior and manners when I see it.

But, for LITTLE kids--3, 4, 5... I could see how rewards might be helpful. They could benefit from seeing the cause-and-effect of their good choices.

** As a side note: I HATE HATE HATE isolation as a punishment for 5 year olds. I am not into humiliation or social ostracization at that age. They don't understand it and they just feel belittled and mocked. And it doesn't accomplish much in terms of modifying later behavior choices, in my experience. I really hate that--you know, putting them in "solo lunch" or something like that.

[GrayMatterWife]

He gets notes home and timeouts at school for not listening/lack of self control. Also has to sit alone at lunch a lot for talking too loud at lunch. Yesterday he threw his note out and was sent to the principal. I'm at a loss for how to fix this. Some are quick to blame the divorce, R was quick to mention that maybe I'm working too much and am not available enough. It is definitely related to sleep and lack there of. D's impulse control SUCKS when he is over tired. There isn't time in the day for him to nap and he goes to bed at 7:30-8pm and wakes at 5:30-6am. I can't move bedtime. I'm not home.

First, this is NOT your fault. He's a little kid. And he's a boy. Impulse control was a huge problem for DS when he was five. Some of his behavior absolutely defied logic.

Second, it's understandable (albeit not acceptable) that he threw out the note. He is a little kid and he is trying to control his situation. In his mind: no note, no consequences.

Third, the fact of the matter is, things most likely WILL be more difficult for your boys for a while because of the divorce. Your boys' male role model's way of solving a problem is to "throw away the problem"--no surprise your son tossed the note. That's the example that he has. A grown man who lacks impulse control. It is just sad that while you are busy raising a boy of character and teaching him about consequences, you have to explain this basic concept to your ex.

Fourth, tell Russ to f**k off. You are doing a GREAT job!!!! If Russ thinks you are working too much, you can point out that this was NOT the life you had planned for the boys, and you are dealing with the consequences of his failure as a husband the best you can.

OK, now I am really pissed...

[moonlight]

** As a side note: I HATE HATE HATE isolation as a punishment for 5 year olds. I am not into humiliation or social ostracization at that age. They don't understand it and they just feel belittled and mocked. And it doesn't accomplish much in terms of modifying later behavior choices, in my experience. I really hate that--you know, putting them in "solo lunch" or something like that.

I'm so glad you said this. I totally agree. All that does is humiliate the child in front of his peers. Its just asking for him to get picked on and that's no way to address it.

[Meenah]

Absolutely this!!!!

GMW Said

First, this is NOT your fault. He's a little kid. And he's a boy. Impulse control was a huge problem for DS when he was five. Some of his behavior absolutely defied logic.

Second, it's understandable (albeit not acceptable) that he threw out the note. He is a little kid and he is trying to control his situation. In his mind: no note, no consequences.

Third, the fact of the matter is, things most likely WILL be more difficult for your boys for a while because of the divorce. Your boys' male role model's way of solving a problem is to "throw away the problem"--no surprise your son tossed the note. That's the example that he has. A grown man who lacks impulse control. It is just sad that while you are busy raising a boy of character and teaching him about consequences, you have to explain this basic concept to your ex.

Fourth, tell Russ to f**k off. You are doing a GREAT job!!!! If Russ thinks you are working too much, you can point out that this was NOT the life you had planned for the boys, and you are dealing with the consequences of his failure as a husband the best you can.

OK, now I am really pissed...

[diggitydot]

Wait, RUSS (?!) is commenting on your parenting in any way other than "OMG, you're such an awesome parent and I owe you my left nut for raising my babies without half a thought from me..."? Yeah, fuck him. He's an asinine asshat with SERIOUS impulse control issues and an overinflated ego. Oh, and he can fuck off. Did I mention that he can fuck off? Yeah, he can fuck off. Do not pass go; do not collect $200. Fuck. Off. Russ.

Ostracizing D during lunch "for being too loud" is bullshit. He's a kindergartener. They're loud. It's normal. They have REALLY low impulse control. Again, totally normal. Unless he's kicking puppies and handing out wedgies and noogies like a mofo, that punishment isn't appropriate.

Definitely have the teacher email you when shit is going down. The excuse can be the discarded note, but it will help keep you both connected and communicating. Some teachers suck donkey balls at communicating effectively with parents and need to be forced into a corner to do so.

As for D's tossing of the note, it happens. One incident is a learning experience. I think that if it only happens once and he faces immediate and appropriate consequences, he'll rethink that behavior when faced with a similar sitch.

I'm sure the kids do miss you, but it's just part of them adjusting to their new normal. I'd be concerned if they DIDN'T miss you. It's OK. They (and you) will survive and thrive.



Parenthood is hard. Single parenthood? Even more so. But you're doing it right. You are an amazingly involved and caring mom who has rebounded beautifully from a really shitty divorce from a self-involved asswipe.

[Deebs]

Does your school have a counselor or social worker on site? If so, I'd meet with that person and the teacher to work on strategies to help with self control.

[Pollyanna]

Yes the everything GMW said!!! More than talking to your child I would park my butt on the teachers doorstep and explain to her that isolating your child is NOT happening. Really, she is setting him up for failure. I'm so sorry Michele, that just stinks. You are a good mama and you have a completely normal and healthy kindergartner. Does the class have a nap or rest time?

[houseelf]

I found myself nodding in agreement with every single poster here, except for DD. Good God that women cracks me up. She works in profanity the way that some artists work with clay.

I am a *touch* jaded but I am chomping at the bit to add my perception that sometimes what we expect out of kindergartners is a touch out of whack with where they are developmentally. I'm not suggesting that D's behavior isn't something to help work him through, but I'd skew pretty lenient. Little boys talk too loud, express anger inappropriately, and have a hard time focusing. That is where they are at. This isn't about the divorce, lack of sleep, the fact that you allowed him to eat too much junk food, that is just kids. Again, I'm a few years down the road and perhaps a touch road weary, but don't sweat this overly much. Go back and read old DD posts for a good laugh.