Shy kids

[peggyfromwastate]

I have a household of them... But right now it's mostly a problem with my 4 year old (almost 5). Ds9 also struggles with being too shy/self conscious but he's a lot better now than he was a few years ago.

My question has to do with dd4-- how can I get her to be more comfortable with speaking to adults? This is an example-- she started taekwondo which she really likes, but she doesn't like speaking in front of crowds and so she can't pass her belt test. She must answer a question in front of a panel of judges, in a room full of parents and all the other kids testing. She knows the answer cold, but won't talk. She won't greet her instructors properly--- she is supposed to say "taekwon sir!" When she sees them, but she just tries to sneak by and hide lol. They tell me she's better inside the class, but I do not see how she can possibly overcome her shyness to pass the test...

Taking a break from class isn't really an option because we are locked into a year long contract and I don't want to lose all that $$ and it's expensive!! Plus she likes class--/ but will be heartbroken when all the other kids get the belt and she does not because she won't answer the question!!!

Generally speaking-- she won't answer people in stores who ask her questions, people at church, anyone really. She just looks at them... I told her its ok to talk to "strangers" when she's standing right there with me... That people are just making conversation.

Any advice? Uuuuugh.

[weeniegeniewife]

Well, just as with any other test, can you request modification for her? Perhaps she can answer the question to just her instructor, and not in front of everyone else? I would ask for an accommodation for her so that she can pass the test since she clearly knows the answer.

[Pollyanna]

I would acknowledge to her that you understand her discomfort and know its hard for her to talk to adults so you're going to help her practice (I'm sure you already do this). You pretend to be the teacher and go through the class. Then find an ice crem shop or the like that has a kind worker and run a senario with her like just saying thank you. Come up with as many places she can practice that you can think of. Ask other parents to help. Just simple quick interactions. Tell her once she can do it 2-3 times she gets a prize. Keep on these easy interactions, she will slowly get more comfortable. I wouldn't ask for an accommodation at this time. I'd just give her lots of practice and that combined with seeing the other kids move forward may be all she needs.

[peggyfromwastate]

Well we will see. She failed the belt test bc she didn't answer the question. I'm a little pissed tbh bc the one instructor told me on Friday (belt test day) that they would give her a chance to answer the question one-on-one this week. That she wouldn't be held back this time. This is a promotion from white to yellow--- I have seen kids passed along even though they didn't know the answer. Even though they said they didn't study. So it's ok to not study if you can say "I don't know" in front of the group??

The master instructor emailed me and told me that she needs to "break out of her shyness" and "thank you for your support in this decision."

Banging my head on the wall here and wishing I could break the contract.

J still seems to like it but she's embarrassed and disappointed that the other kids all pass but she does not.

I emailed the master back that the one instructor had told me they would retest J one-on-one for the answer, and that is what I had told J over the weekend. So now I get to tell her "actually until you can answer a question in a room of 50 kids plus 50 parents plus 7 instructors you won't pass the test."

I'm a little but pissed. Can't talk to that master yet bc I'm too ticked off. He's also the one who told me that Luke could overcome his ticks and stand still if he concentrates. I said, "no he cannot. That's like saying he can hold in a sneeze that comes out of nowhere just because he's concentrating."

I have reached the point where instructors are usually my age or younger, and often have less common experience with kids than I do. It's very weird... This cosmic shift... But I'm not a big fan of this Tough Love shit for 4 year olds.

[Sheherezade]

Me either. I'd have lost it. But I'm bad with authority in general...

[MrsK]

Obviously, I don't have shy kids so I should probably keep my mouth shut (isn't it the worst when a post starts off that way). But I do get it. I had a friend in law school who used to absolutely freeze if she was asked a question in class. She was right before me in the alphabet so we often sat beside each other. She always knew the answer and usually had it written in her notes, sitting right in front of her, but she simply could not speak. It was especially bad in classes where the prof used a microphone and when she knew she had to speak in a class, she'd be vomiting all morning before the class. It was miserable for her but she managed to get through law school and she now works for the public defender's office. Imagine that. She interviews accused criminals then goes to court and argues in front of a full courtroom. I guess my point is that regardless of whether or not J passes her karate test now, she'll be okay.

Also, I once had a "kid client" who was 15yo and had a lot of difficulty speaking. It was torture for him and for anyone who wanted to communicate with him. He'd just stare at the floor and I cannot count how many times he got in trouble because authority figures thought he was being defiant when he would not answer their questions. When he had to testify in court, I used to meet him at the courthouse about an hour before our hearing time to prepare him. For him, preparation was mostly helping him loosen up so he could speak when he had to. We used to play games like, "I'm going to ask you a yes/no question and you are going to shout your answer as loud as you can" or "raise your hand for 'yes', stomp your feet for 'no'. After about 20 minutes or so of this nonsense, he'd loosen up enough to crack a smile. Then we'd start running through scripts, asking him questions that the judge might ask. After about 40 minutes, he'd be able to give single word responses. Maybe playing some games like that at home with you or her siblings will help J?

[Sheherezade]

I have -- or had -- two shy kids. They wouldn't speak to adults unless prodded and HATED it. They've grown out of it. At 4, it would have been a lot to ask. In fact, I asked my daughter what she thought of your situation and she was horrified and outraged for your kid. She kept saying "She's FOUR.". I get that. It's downright weird that the instructors don't. Given time, your daughter will not be shy. Forcing her to grow out of this immediately for the sake of an extracurricular "test" rather than deal with her confidence and relationships with adults naturally seems wrong to me. I'd be worried that it would backfire and take her longer to get used to adults. She's FOUR!! FFS, why does she need to perfect her public speaking skills now?? That's just conjecture, but I'd totally have my back up if a martial arts instructor was dictating how I should raise my kid. (I'm in a total huff about it! Let me at 'em!)

My daughter and son do fine with presentations, etc in school now. I think they naturally "grew out" of the shy thing around 7-8 years old.

[peggyfromwastate]

My ds9 did grow out of it at about 7-8 too. This isn't my first shy kid...

She seems to like taekwondo but they really aren't child development experts and it's kind of like taking a kid who's scared of heights and making them climb a tall ladder and hang off the end in order to get a sticker. A kid who is afraid of heights will not do that no matter the carrot. A kid who climbs ladders for fun would probably not even care about the sticker bc the climbing part was fun. I just guess I don't see what answering questions in front of a crowd has to do with taekwondo. They of course say it has to do with building confidence.

Today they tried to have her answer questions one-on-one. I was in the room (bc a parent has to be there when it's just one instructor with kids) and she just would not.

So I guess we say--- no big deal. She can stay a white belt as long as she wants... I don't know...

[Sheherezade]

That's what I'd do too. I was thinking my kid would be a white belt for a loooong time. LOL

I think I'd try to explain to her why she won't pass in terms of "this is they're rule". I wouldn't give it much power though. I wouldn't want my kid to think there was something wrong with them for not passing this test or not being able to jump this hurdle. That's undermining the power of the program --- but that's what I'd do. I don't agree with their premise, and I wouldn't be able to hide that from my kid (or want to). I think I'd just let her know this is part of the taekwondo deal....

[peggyfromwastate]

As a follow up, I followed a lot of Pollyanna's advice (I gave dd praise and gummy bears when she spoke to strangers--- saying "thank you" or telling the waiter she wants lemonade-- stuff like that.).

After working with her with strangers, and using common courtesy, she would about 10% of the time respond and the other 90% hide behind my legs lol.

We talked about taking a deep breath and "blowing the nervous out" before talking to taekwondo instructors. She had no trouble in her gymnastics summer camp talking to that teacher, and no trouble talking to the swimming instructors. Just the taekwondo bc I think they are so loud and talk so fast. They are Korean but their accents are not difficult-- so I think it's just the high pressure of the expectation that she will respond to any question they ask her.

Anyway, it came closer to test time and she was on the list to take the test again in the group setting. We talked A LOT about it. She knew all the answers to the questions cold (phone number, address, mother and fathers birthday, stuff like that) but was still so nervous. I told her she can stay a white belt-- that she didn't have to test-- but that if she wanted to test she needed to at least talk to the one guy who she has been refusing to even look in the eye. He's one if the testers and the one who does the office work- signing up for tests. So he was going to sign her up because she managed to nod at him when he asked her if she wanted to test. Lol. I told her that she needed to use words or we would just wait for another test. So instructor asks her again, "do you want to test?" And she says loudly "yes sir!"

Okay. So we go to the test. Where all the kids have to answer a question in front of the class and parents and all instructors. The one who asks her question is the instructor she's most terrified of. The master of the school---- he's very nice but a touch strict in class (I'm a little scared of him after bring in his Tkd class!!). Dd has NEVER said a word to him or even looked him in the eye. Terrified. So he calls her name (and his expression was like "oh crap no way will she talk"). As soon as he called her she pops up and says "yes, SIR!" Really loud. All the instructors said in unison "aaaaaahhhh" they were so shocked. Lol. I thought now that they made a big deal she won't answer the question! But they asked the question and she nailed it, then she was able to sit down. The master said, "that's the first time I heard your voice Josie! Good job!"



So she gets her yellow belt on Monday. PHEW!

[Pollyanna]

Whoooo hoo Josie and mama too!!!!

[HouseofWool]

That is AWESOME! I really like the fact that the instructor complimented her on overcoming her nerves. I would make a huge deal out of this for her, talk it up big time and then use it as a reference point when she is nervous in the future.

[Vanquisher]

Great news! Way to go Josie!

[L.Jane]

YAY Josie!! (and Mom! ) I am so happy for you. I can just imagine how proud you are!

[mommax3]

I love this! Good for both of you!