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**peggyfromwastate** · 10-21-2013, 10:27 AM

I think this is a perfect scenario for using the "collaborative problem solving" technique.

You just start a conversation in a low key non accusatory way---

"Hey, we have noticed that lately you've had some trouble with telling little lies-- what's up?"

Then you wait for an answer... She might say "I do not lie! I never lie!"

You can say "oh, well yesterday you ate candy and then lied about it. I'm just wondering why you did that?"

Eventually she might come to some conclusion like "it's not fair that my friends get to eat candy whenever they want and I don't". I've found for this age bracket (8-11) that the peer group is king, so what the friends get to do is the defacto norm.

If she cops to that, you work together to find a solution.

"I get it. Your friends get to eat candy and you want to do that too. How can we find a better way for you to get to eat more candy without lying about it?"

Hopefully she'd come to some understanding that when what you tell her to do is unfair that she should come to you and tell you why. It doesn't mean you accept the lying... But in my experience with things like little lies no matter what punishment I come up with short term it doesn't stick because it doesn't hit the underlying issue.

For me I would avoid going overboard on this one. My 9 year old is super forgetful and does this exact kind of thing all the time. Maybe I'm overly permissive about it but I just don't see it as lying really so much as his lack of self control and living in the moment... When I see him being openly defiant (I say "you may not play DS today" and 5 minutes later he's on the DS--- then I take the DS away for a week or so.

Hugs--- depression meds suck and finding the right balance is tough. Be gentle on yourself too.

**Pollyanna** · 10-21-2013, 10:37 AM

I agree with Peggy. I wouldn't go balls to the walls here. Has she made her first confession yet? Once our kids reach that point we talk about how lies break their relationship with God and go through an examination of conscience with her. But you just walk her through it, she doesn't have to tell you everything she is feeling. We talk about trust, and what that looks like as they get older. I find talking (not that there also hasn't been some yelling on occasion) makes a far greater impact than chores do because typically that completely shuts down all communication.

Hang in there mama.

**Momo** · 10-21-2013, 10:56 AM

Peggy and Tara have both mentioned thoughts that I have. FWIW I have treated lies w/ hard core punishment and w/a more nuanced approach as stated by Peg & Tara...the reasoned/ nuanced approach seems to get better longer lasting results. It sucks I know! I am trying to work w/my therapist on striking a better balance because, like you, I often feel like perhaps I need to dial down my reactions to their infractions! (((hugs)))

**HouseofWool** · 10-21-2013, 11:04 AM

I would also try talking it through with her. But I am the queen of knowing what the right thing to do is then failing to do it. Doesn't help that C just bursts into tears every time he is caught out in a lie and is completely irrational.

**samssugarmomma** · 10-21-2013, 12:57 PM

Thanks ladies. I've been talking to her ..... but since it keeps happening I was wondering if I needed to bring down the hammer. But then, I don't quite trust myself since I feel like I'm overreacting to everything.

I'll try talking to her some more .... maybe after her sister's go to bed tonight. Maybe she'll focus better then.

**HouseofWool** · 10-21-2013, 01:01 PM

It is so hard as the parent. But, with DS10, I kept reiterating that if he lies about the little things (cleaning his room) it will result in a revocation of privileges (riding to the public library by himself) because if cannot be trusted to be honest with little things, there is no way I will even consider trusting him with the big things. (Although in reality - I think he is much more likely to be honest about the big things.) For him revocation of privileges that equate to freedom is much more meaningful than addl chores or the like.

**diggitydot** · 10-21-2013, 01:41 PM

While our parenting style tends to be mostly nuanced and conversation-driven, we hammer the shit out of a couple "non-negotiables". Lying is one of those "non-negotiables". The kids get nailed hard for lying every. single. time. to drive home the point that whatever they were trying to cover up with the lie was a much smaller and inconsequential issue than the dishonesty itself. Case in point: DD1 lost her cell phone privileges for 3 months because she lied prolifically about using it after her cutoff time. Had she copped to the illicit usage, she would have only lost the privileges for a week and would have retained our trust. She lost both for a MUCH longer time.

Do whatever works best for your situation.

**Ladybug** · 10-21-2013, 08:50 PM

I don't set up lying situations. Maybe I'm softer, but I have an ongoing dialogue and follow up. When kid has proclaimed their room clean we go and inspect it to see if it meets mommy standards. Yes there is probably more bickering, drama and sarcasm than a "I've told you what to do now do it" approach. We probably should have been an Italian family. I lied a lot to my mom growing up but I was so afraid of her and her outburst. She never gave an inch. I still have a difficult adult relationship with her. My niece will lie and steal rather than ask her mom because she knows the answer will always be no. Always. There has to be a balance. My kids will ask and sometimes the answer is yes, and they respect when it's no. When is comes to candy all bets are off in this house. I generally let them goblble it immediately or throw it out. I've had my own kids bring in my secret candy trash and wave it in my face and ask how I can be eating candy with out them. One DD cleans her room daily and the other is a n absolute pig with her panties hanging from the light fixture. I ask her to clean it once a week. It's a push and I'm not willing to fight over it.
I suffer from severe depression too. I tried going off my mess this summer because of weight gain and was sure if I made some lifestyle changes I wouldn't really be depressed.

I get so irritable and every little thing and fight sends me into banshee mode. August was terrible with a full breakdown, tears, I'll-never-be-normal-what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me cry. Getting back on changed my world. Keep working on your doses.

I think I'm better able to roll with the parenting punches and see the light when my chemistry is optimized.

**diggitydot** · 10-22-2013, 10:30 AM

I agree that there's no reason to create power struggles. Kids have no power, so there's no reason to have that kind of dynamic involved.

**PrincessFiona** · 10-22-2013, 12:28 PM

How did it go yesterday? I'm late answering, but I sort of felt that your initial response might have been excessive and driven more by the depression. Another mom who struggles with depression here

. Lying is a big deal in our house too and it seems to peak at about ages 7-10. We had a similar thing happen about 3 months ago with Aidan, 9, who told me he had picked up the plate he had carried upstairs into his room (another no-no). When I found out he lied, I took away his game system and sent him upstairs. Once I finished what I was doing, I went upstairs and talked to him. He had been too lazy at the time I had asked him(he confessed) and said that in his head he really thought he was going to run upstairs and take care of it right away but then forgot. I believed him. I just used it as a teachable moment to talk about honesty and remind him how important it is to be honest with each other ... that this might seem like an unimportant thing to him, but what if I forgot to pay for his orchestra and lied about it ... he wouldn't be able to participate and he would be sad. I told him we have to be able to trust each other on the little stuff.

Ultimately, his punishment was that he lost his game system for a week. To him, that was a big thing to have taken away. It made an impression without introducing too much drama or chaos.

It's so hard ... and its even harder when you're depressed. I hope that you are able to find the right combination of meds that works for you and that you are feeling better soon.

Kris

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