behavior problems

[Michele]

D is 7 and in first grade. We are having problems with behavior in school. Making poor choices (giving the middle finger, trying to pull the fire alarms in the bathrooms, throwing food during lunch) and a constant need to move (it seems that he can not sit still - though his teacher says he *can* just that he's not doing it). I asked her about ADHD and her response didn't seem to point to that being a concern for him. Sounds like it's more just poor decision making when around his "friends".

I know you've all mentioned numerous books over the years and my searching skills are limited on this site. I thought one was Parenting the Strong Willed Child, but wheni looked it up on Amazon there were enough other "strong willed" parenting books that I got confused.

I'm also willing to explore dietary changes in case it's related. But I'm not sure where to start.

He lies, and when confronted about a wrong doing, he smirks and smiles and it's infuriating. At first I thought he had no remorse and was a psycho, but other times, he will be super good and helpful when he's done something wrong that he hasn't been confronted about.... as if he's trying to make up for the lack of judgement.

I will fully admit that my consequences are lacking. I am not very good with follow through and I will definitely work on it. My mom also does the lion's share of the parenting so it's hard as well because it had to be something that can either wait until I get home (after dinner) or several days (day off) or be something she can only half supervise because she has other kids around.

[Thirteen]

My parents did "Love and Logic" (Jim Fay), and now as an adult, I see some of the genius in this.
I think there's an equivalent to a primer (short read) for purchase, so you can see if it's something worth following up on, instead of committing to a big book.

As with most things, you should do what works for your family. The first thing that comes to mind is organizing a "parent meeting" with your parents, and maybe even R if he can join, and discuss the recurring issues/brainstorm for solutions that everyone can follow. (?)


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[SuzySunshine]

I know there are always other things going on but is something major approaching? Are you seeing the bad behavior more when he goes and comes from R's?

We also use the L&L in this house - not as strictly as I would like but we use the giving choices, making their own decisions, seeing the errors of their ways. I think with R it has helped immensely, I think we're still working on it with A. And we're still working on me not being a pushover with them.

As for the food/allergies - I don't know how much there is to it but we've had several friends take all artificial colors out of their kids diets and have seen noticeable improvements in behavior/hyperactivity.

[Ladybug]

If your insurance covers it I'd look into a child psychologist too. Just a few visit can make a big difference in the parenting dynamic.

[Pollyanna]

I agree that a child psychologist would be a good start and maybe even a family therapist that can help all the people parenting D to get on the same page. I think that will help the most to have consistency between all households and parent figures.

Never hurts to mess around with diet but I wouldn't let D know or hear you talking about it because if he thinks he can use the fact that he ate a Twizzler to misbehave he will (kids are cleaver like that).

He's not a psycho or a bad kid. My guess is that he is a smart kid that knows how to push and is going to see what he can get away with. How does he do with free time? Some kids need to be kept busy, I mean exhaust the hell out of them busy. One of my friends boys was much like you describe D but worse (he destroyed something wherever he went, seriously). She put him in gymnastics nearly every day and he is now going to college on a full ride. Swim is another good sport or wrestling (if you want serious structure wrestling is awesome and good coaches are hardasses but get good things from the kids).

Hang in there!!!

[Michele]

Thank you. My sister and cousin both use Love and Logic and we have access to the materials. We try the choices and natural consequences but I know we are missing the nuances.

Diet: he has very limited exposure to artifical colorings and things like that. I was thinking more along the lines of if broccoli is better than spinach or these veggies over those veggies....stuff that we could easily incorporate into all of our diets.

I used to think there was a correlation with his weekends with R, but that's not true. It's random and sporadic as far as we can tell. Chocolate, sleep, sugar, exercise, TV,....we can't find a common theme. He is a kid who will complain of boredom if he isn't egaged at all times. He really needs a LOT of attention. I know I've said this before, but I didn't realize how high maintenance he was until I had two more kids who just don't require the same interaction he does. And it wasn't an issue when he was an only baby. Even now, we (between my mom, my dad and me) are good (bad?) about engaging all of the kids all of time. I know my mom isn't as good with ensuring independent play. She's sometimes TOO GOOD of a babysitter. More physical activity is definitely indicated. I give that advice to pet owners all of the time. And I know the benefits. The reality is that it becomes a bigger burden on me. I didn't get home until after 7pm last night. I'm not getting home until after 6pm tonight. It's hard for me to arrange the time for it all. My mom doesn't drive the kids. So all extracurricular transportation is on me. And unfortunately, the last thing I want to do when I get home from work is get outside and run the kids. Excuses excuses....but I'm really feeling like my time is limited these days.

He's a very smart kid and can be very manipulative. I know he's pulled things over on me before. And I know that lets him think he can keep doing it. It took my dad a few years in the navy after failing out of college to get his head on straight. I hope I can help D figure himself out sooner than that!

I'll talk with R about the child pysch. He's the keeper of their insurance and the doc, so I try to let him handle finding specialists.

[diggitydot]

behavior problems

Do you think he'd benefit from something like karate or tae kwon do where there's definitely physical activity, but that also makes them utilize self-control and discipline?

I know that means driving around after work when all you want to do is crash, but even a once-a-week weekend class might help him with the self-control and discipline issues.



You're a fabulous mom and I have no doubts that this ornery period is likely just a phase for D.

[Ladybug]

Is ther an extended day program he can participate in. My kids love extended day. It's free, unstructured play time with access to playgrounds or an open gym. It might be worth your sanity to find an college kid that is willing to drive him a day or two a week. Some after school programs will bus kids to them.