consequences?

[HouseofWool]

Other than me drinking like a fish?

I am flummoxed by parenting DD5. She is an amazing kid, but I have yet to figure out what her hot button is to get her to comply with anything. (Sigh - DS11 is so much easier in comparison - other issues for him, but he is NOT strong willed like she is.)

The week of the 4th, they were with their dad for most of the week as I was out of town and it was his week for placement during the summer. Since then we have been on a strong regimen of reprogramming. It sucks, but was expected. For DD, this means more tantrums and whining, because the ex caves and gives her what she wants. Neither of those behaviors are tolerated in the least here. Normally, I just give her the side-eye and state, calmly, that those behaviors do not get her what she wants and would she like to try asking again. Typically, she pulls it together and makes a reasonable attempt at civilized behavior. Then she either gets what she wants or an explanation of why it isn't going to happen at that moment.

So, on Friday, I hit up one of the farmer's markets and picked up some great, inexpensive produce (hello summer!) and from that we had pan-fried zucchini with pasta on Monday and pesto last night. Both nights she pitched a grand-mal tantrum about not wanting to try the foods, begging for a peanut butter sandwich instead. I am NOT a short-order cook, and the requirement is that she eat at least part of what she was served before getting something different. This is a consistent requirement.

She refused to come to the table and was yelling, screaming, crying, shrieking... She was told, calmly, that she needed to come to the table and join us. Not surprisingly, she refused. She was then given the option of coming to the table or going to her room. She refused both options, so I picked her up, tucked her arms in so she couldn't hang on to anything (she does a fair imitation of a protester being drug off by cops at a 1960's sit-it, it is actually comical) and took her to her room. She proceeded to trash part of the room to vent her rage.

After 30 minutes or so, she relented on Monday and came down and ate. Once she ate what she was served, she got the requested PBJ.

Last night, after she relented 30+ minutes later, she ate a few bites and decided she would rather go to bed for the night than eat... I KNOW she was hungry and I KNOW that she doesn't actually dislike the food that much, even if it isn't her favorite. We have frequent conversations at the table about how not every meal will be our favorite and it is important to try new foods all the time. (Mostly I am f'ing tired of "kid" food and refuse to make it anymore.)

I just don't know how to get through to this child. She doesn't much care if I remove her toys, access to electronics, anything. It is maddening.

I know these behaviors will be awesome once she is an adult, it is just getting her to that stage that is killing me.

[mommax3]

I would hang in there with what you are doing....her will is just stronger than two nights worth of consequences. You are going to have to show her your will is stronger than hers as far as the non-negotiables go. Fight the battle now and it will pay dividends later, trust me. Keep emotion out of it and maybe reiterate the desired behavior and the consequences for deviation at a time when no one is upset. Stay strong. A strong-willed child is a challenge, but when they get older and use that will to stand for what is right, it's awesome.

[Pollyanna]

I would hang in there with what you are doing....her will is just stronger than two nights worth of consequences. You are going to have to show her your will is stronger than hers as far as the non-negotiables go. Fight the battle now and it will pay dividends later, trust me. Keep emotion out of it and maybe reiterate the desired behavior and the consequences for deviation at a time when no one is upset. Stay strong. A strong-willed child is a challenge, but when they get older and use that will to stand for what is right, it's awesome.

Exactly this

[Sheherezade]

Yes. My kid once threw up tilapia on the dining room table after eating the prescribed "just a few bites"; she also climbed out a window on to the roof when sent to her room. We ended up having a parent argument that day about whether it was better to screw the windows shut (my DH's idea) or just confine her with supervision (I couldn't bear the idea of sealed windows and a possible fire). Such drama over silly things. I think she was around 5 then too. Now, she giggles when we remind her she did these things over bedtime and new foods. She can't imagine why she'd think it was so bad.

You will survive. Grey hairs will sprout though....

[spaz]

My oldest is similar. Just stick to your guns. It will make a difference. You have the added problem that the rules are different at the ex house. Just stick to your guns. My mom remarried when I was in college to a man with two little boys. Their mother was an alcoholic and so there were no rules at her house. My poor mom was the "meanie." It was rough for awhile, but she stuck to her guns and also loved on them. The boys quit visiting their mom in junior high. Guess who the younger one calls to talk over problems with? My mom. Both boys respect my mom so much. It is hard. You will eventually see fruit. Hang in there.

[HouseofWool]

Thanks for the laugh Angie. It isn't as if I am feeding her steak tartare or wasabi paste... It was zucchini, pan fried until just barely tender and sweet, not mushy. Although it probably was mushy by the time she got around to eating it.

Thankfully, she hasn't tried climbing out a window. Yet. I give it time. She is a spit-fire and has definitely caused more than a few grey hairs.

[MrsK]

Does she have problems with certain types of foods? Certain textures?

K1 is picky about food. I try to make balanced meals that have something for everyone. For instance, last night was pot roast with potatoes, carrots, and a side of fruit since K1 likes fruit. He needs to take at least one bite of everything to get dessert.

[HouseofWool]

Does she have problems with certain types of foods? Certain textures?

K1 is picky about food. I try to make balanced meals that have something for everyone. For instance, last night was pot roast with potatoes, carrots, and a side of fruit since K1 likes fruit. He needs to take at least one bite of everything to get dessert.

She isn't keen on trying new foods, in general. And, I do try to accommodate intense dislikes, but if it is just a mild "this isn't my favorite" then they need to eat some of it - like half a regular portion. Mostly, it is about being strong willed and her dad giving in to her every whim, turning her into a pint-sized dictator.

For example, she doesn't like onions - I make no bones about the fact that she tries to pick them out of every food she sees them in. Same with green peppers, tomatoes, and anything else even remotely mushy. I don't like those textures either so they don't show up often on the table, or if they do, the foods are slightly undercooked so they still have some bite to them.

[diggitydot]

She sounds EXACTLY like our DD2. Def the strong willed thing. For whatever reason, she though she could out-stubborn us and it never worked our in her favor. It just took a lot of consistency to finally get her to see that it wasn't serving her well.

Hang in there. Strong-willed kids aren't easy to deal with, but they eventually are pretty awesome people.

[Ladybug]

I choose not to make food a battle. I ask them to try something new (bite), if they don't like it they can make their own PBJ and clean up afterwards. Even at 5yo. Sometimes an older sib will make the PBJ when I'm busy. I would end up shooting myself if I tried to control everything they ate. They rinse and cut their own fruit for PBJs for added nutrients. DD8 refuses to touch vegetables.
Fine, whatever, I don't make her eat them although I always put a small portion on her plate and encourage her to at least *lick* one. My biggest food control challenge is my oldest DD. She LOVES food and will eat and eat and eat. I DO cut her off when necessary, and we talk about caloric input vs output and exercising regularly to stay healthy.

If my kids are working hard at school, practicing kindness, listening to their teachers (even if they meltdown once they are "safely" at home, then I refuse to make dinner stressful. Teach her how to make a PBJ and fruit for herself. Usually they start to want to helping more in the kitchen too...

[HouseofWool]

She was actually given the choice of just sitting at the table without eating the offending food, but chose to have a tantrum, instead. *sigh*

[poky]

For example, she doesn't like onions - I make no bones about the fact that she tries to pick them out of every food she sees them in. Same with green peppers, tomatoes, and anything else even remotely mushy. I don't like those textures either so they don't show up often on the table, or if they do, the foods are slightly undercooked so they still have some bite to them.

Just so you're prepared, she may never grow out of that. I still pick chunks of onion, pepper and tomato out of things. Cannot stand the chunks. I like the flavor just fine, just not the chunks.

I sometimes ended up sitting at the dinner table until bedtime, and once I was old enough, I was permitted to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich if I didn't like what the family was having.

[Ladybug]

I remember my mom making me eat a grilled cheese sandwich made with real cheddar (cheese separated and was greasy). She wouldn't let me leave the table until I ate it. I gagged and ended up vomiting. She screamed like a banshee and told me I did it on purpose. I was sent to my room for the afternoon. I just can't go back to that place with my own kids.

[HouseofWool]

I get it, because mine did the same thing with me. It was awful. And, there is no way I will make her sit at the table all night long - that always struck me as cruel when my parents did it. But, screaming like a banshee before she even sees the food isn't acceptable either.

If she decides not to eat her meal and it is a food that is reasonably tolerated by her (there are some she doesn't like, they aren't made all that frequently), then the consequence is that she gets nothing else that night. And usually, I will leave her plate available for her to go back to later, which she sometimes does.

All the while, the choice is hers. I won't make her eat, but I might not offer a different choice either if the current one is reasonably kid-friendly.

[Thirteen]

Consistency is key (and you already know this), but it is damn hard when you feel overwhelmed/are tired/don't want to do it.

We make one meal, and if he doesn't eat what is offered, he is free to leave the table knowing that he will have to wait until the next meal of the day is prepared to eat. (This protest usually happens at dinner)

He also knows that there won't be TV or the like, just because he's "finished" and doesn't want to eat what we made.
It's definitely not pretty around here sometimes.


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