Entitlement

[BonBon]

I'm on the edge of a breakdown anyway, and damn near lost it this morning. (very proud to have kept my cool, and was calm.)

10 year old DS: I was helping him with his room this morning, because we just ordered a ton of books from Amazon and I was helping him organize. I commented that it made much more sense to put each book away as you finished and got out the next one. He says "Why? I'll just wait." I look at him, puzzled, "what do you mean?" He says, "Well, you'll end up doing it."



An hour later, my almost 9 year old DD: I'm making this enormous vat of taco soup for the freezer. Time consuming, and a general pain in the ass. I used countless cans of tomatoes and beans. DD walks in as I'm working and I ask her to please put the rinsed cans in the recycling bin. Which is in the garage, perhaps 20 paces from where she stood. She was trying to be funny, but part serious. "You're so mean! I don't want to do that. You're evil!" Me: "Please. (a sarcastic please.) Just do it." Then she says "Why should I have to do it? It's YOUR mess. YOU'RE the one using it."

OH HAIL NO. I was calmed, but still verbally shanked her. WTF? I'm thinking ahead and making healthful meals for my family. I don't want to spend my Saturday making f'ing taco soup and doing laundry. If I were childless, I'd totally be on my ass reading a book!

So, if DH ever gets home, a family meeting will commence.

Thank you for letting me vent. Feel free to commiserate. By and large, they're very nice, kind, and helpful kids. I think they're picking up some sassafras from school, esp DD because she's in a classroom for 4, 5,6th grades. (Montessori, that's how they do it.) I'm shutting that shit down with the quickness.

Kindly allow me to put my head in the sand regarding the tween/teen years.

[HouseofWool]

I don't have any advice. While mine are pretty good for the most part, I still feel like there is a huge generational difference because when I was 12, I could essentially clean a house from top to bottom. But at nearly 12, DS is clueless about most stuff.

[diggitydot]

Entitlement

Oh, fuck that shit. Entitlement is one issue that tap dances on my last nerve.

DD1 had a HORRIBLE sense of entitlement that is currently getting curb stomped by college. She's only been gone for 3 weeks and her entitlement issues have decreased DRAMATICALLY. It's wonderful.

[spotty_dog]

Yeah, I am a mild-mannered mama but I can definitely let kids know IMMEDIATELY if they screw up in tone or attitude. First comes the swift loud angry lecture, but then comes the quick change of gears back to mild mama, instruction about how I would have preferred the interaction to go, and an invitation to respond better this time. If I asked it's because I need their help. It's not okay to let down a family member -- we work together here.

An interesting thing though that reassures me about kids not being military snap-to-it compliant. I think it's in an Anthony Wolf parenting book, the dad describes how throughout his kid's tween and teen years, he reminded his son weekly, "It's your job to put the trash out," and weekly the boy forgot and the dad had to do it anyway. Until one day, the boy was 18, and the dad went to get the trash and...it was already out! The dad found the son and gushed, "You did the trash!" and the boy, confused, replied, "Well, of course I did...it's my job, isn't it?"

Just having the honest expectation that they *can* rise to the occasion, can be enough to grow them as a person, even if they don't rise to the occasion as consistently as you'd like.

[Pollyanna]

Yeah, I am a mild-mannered mama but I can definitely let kids know IMMEDIATELY if they screw up in tone or attitude. First comes the swift loud angry lecture, but then comes the quick change of gears back to mild mama, instruction about how I would have preferred the interaction to go, and an invitation to respond better this time. If I asked it's because I need their help. It's not okay to let down a family member -- we work together here.

An interesting thing though that reassures me about kids not being military snap-to-it compliant. I think it's in an Anthony Wolf parenting book, the dad describes how throughout his kid's tween and teen years, he reminded his son weekly, "It's your job to put the trash out," and weekly the boy forgot and the dad had to do it anyway. Until one day, the boy was 18, and the dad went to get the trash and...it was already out! The dad found the son and gushed, "You did the trash!" and the boy, confused, replied, "Well, of course I did...it's my job, isn't it?"

Just having the honest expectation that they *can* rise to the occasion, can be enough to grow them as a person, even if they don't rise to the occasion as consistently as you'd like.

Exactly this! And we've had several of those, "you took the trash out" moments Tbh, I'll take that over blind obedience

[peggyfromwastate]

Kids:

"Why can't we do anything fun today??? Can't we take the dogs to the beach?"

Me:

"This house is not put together. Your rooms aren't unpacked. I am not going to do that, so there will be no fun outings until you people figure out how to do what you are told."

Sick of kids? Check. Kids on school break about 14 days after starting school late due to the move? Check.

Another one:

"When are we getting our allowance?"

"Well if I have a chance to sit down and pay MY bills perhaps I'll consider it. But what have you done to earn YOUR allowance?"

Dh is on call which he didn't know. He said, "oh I finally found out where they put the call schedule. I'm on call the next 6 days."

Awesome! Why did it take him that long? I don't know. He knows I'm here to keep unpacking all by myself and it just doesn't matter. He GLEEFULLY escaped the house today to go fix some idiots jaw. The idiot got into a drunken fight last night.

Entitlement issues are all over the place here and I think it may be that things have been just too easy. I hear the "you'll just do it" comment all the time, from the spouse to the 6 year old.

Oh and DD, my dd is feeling super lonely at college too. She's socializing up a storm but she's feeling shocked that she can't get everything she wants. She texts me for $ and I say, "kiddo, you have an allowance every 2 weeks. You can work with that." If she texts her dad, he says, "I don't know how to send money. Did you ask your mother?" Lol. Sob.

[rainbabies]

I don't have any advice. While mine are pretty good for the most part, I still feel like there is a huge generational difference because when I was 12, I could essentially clean a house from top to bottom. But at nearly 12, DS is clueless about most stuff.

Ditto. To all of it. Dh and I tell our kids alllll the time how we had chores and couldn't do a SINGLE thing until our chores were done.

[Ladybug]

Sending you a virtual glass of wine. I think it all shakes out in the end, but parenting is exhausting. I really think we're doing all the right things. It's just a long journey without enough vacays.

[MrsK]

Last night, I'm having our weekly talk about tzdakah (charity), how we give because we are grateful for all that we have and how it's our job to repairs injustices and to help those less fortunate. Then K1 tells me that he's needy because he doesn't have rainboots and he wants a sled. I have to explain to him (again) that he does have a home and a bed and food and parents who love him. ...he has everything he needs and most of what he wants. I just say it over and over again, every week, hopefully it will sink in someday. I really do think gratitude is one of the most important things that I can teach my children. They will be so much happier in their lives if they can appreciate their blessings, they will be better partners if they appreciate what others do for them.

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[rainbabies]

Dh and I talk about how sometimes we wish the kids knew how we struggled during med school and residency.
But during those years, we used to say how grateful we were they didn't know. No win. :-/

[Vishenka69]

I'm already dealing with this at 4. Scared to think what the next 10 years will bring.

For now I'm refusing to do her laundry until she helps. Unfortunately, grandma bought her enough clothes to sustain her between said grandma's bi-weekly visits.

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[MrsK]

I'm already dealing with this at 4. Scared to think what the next 10 years will bring.

For now I'm refusing to do her laundry until she helps. Unfortunately, grandma bought her enough clothes to sustain her between said grandma's bi-weekly visits.

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If the K Bros don't put their laundry away, it sits in the basket in my room until they run out of clothes. Also, if they don't put it in the hamper, it doesn't get washed.

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[houseelf]

This isn't my hot button, but it drives my husband bat.shit.crazy. He feels like every little thing is an indicator that we are raising lazy, disrespectful, ungrateful kids. But that is another story for another day. I'm not in love with this behavior, but I'm better able to roll with the punches on this particular issue. (Not all mind you...that's another post).

When someone whines, "But I didn't mess up the living room..." I respond with, "Yeah, I didn't make your clothes dirty either. We all pitch in. The family is more important than the individual" Because this isn't my hot button (post on that issue forthcoming) I can shrug it off. I try not to get locked in power struggles and just state, "Oh, well, next time you ask me to do something, my answer is going to be, Nah, not my problem. Good luck finding a ride!" I also try to joke about it. When DD10 states she doesn't want to weed, I respond with, "Yeah, you are totally right. That's a drag. Let's have a family dance party in the front yard in front of all the neighbors. That will be so much more fun!" I try to acknowledge the suck factor and then smile and basically state, "Get it done kid!".

[diggitydot]

DD2 is pretty good about this issue. DD1 was the one to drive me batshit crazy.

DS is kind of beginning the, "Ugh, my life is so hard because I have chores," which usually elicits, "No, your life doesn't suck because you have chores. You're fortunate to have chores because that means we have the ability to have nice things to take care of. Suck it up and go clean your bedroom, son."