morning crabbiness

[houseelf]

OK I was all Zen mama in my response to that last post about entitlement. Don't be fooled, I will tell you what makes me feel like Joan Crawford.

I adore my daughter, she is the light of my life. The thing that will make her write a colorful memoir some day is how we interact in the mornings. She is uncontrollably crabby in the morning. I am getting so worn down by this. It is turning me into a shrew. I am not proud of this but I grabbed her arms this morning and hissed, "You will not act like this!" Yeah, that is a fantastic way to send your child off to great the day.

Bed time is sacrosanct for her. I start putting her down at 8! It takes her an hour and a half of reading, drawing, chatting, etc. to quit down her mind. She has always been my worst, lightest sleeper and needs more sleep than the boys. I understand this at an intellectual level. God knows I am not in love with mornings, but I have learn to be silent until I have had a few cups of coffee. :/

One of my hot points is leaving a positive wake in the world. I tell them that they are welcome to feel angry, tired, frustrated, etc. In fact, I encourage you to name that emotion and sit with it. Nonetheless, it is absolutely NOT OK to infect other people with your bad mood. This is probably subject matter for a few years of future therapy, but I believe one of the Marines Corps ethos: "Suffer in silence". She just hasn't learned how to deal with her negative emotions yet and they just wash over everyone. I'm reading "The concious parent" now which basically states that she is picking up on MY negative energy and reflecting it back to me.

I don't know that there is an answer to this. I know that I have to respond to this better. Overall we have a good relationship, but this mutual nastiness can shred our relationship if I don't get it together. Short of a double shot of espresso, what can I do?

[diggitydot]

We have an entire household of shitty moods in the morning. I totally get it. The unwritten family rule is to not be an asshole before plenty of coffee has been consumed or 10am, whichever comes first. That usually translates into minimal communications before coffee.

Our DD1 is HORRIBLE in the mornings. It took a while to teach her that she can be pissy all she wants, but that she doesn't have the right to inflict it on others.

Some small things that helped our DD1:

- Organize everything for the next day the night before; clothes, books, etc. Lay them out and don't deviate.

- Ass in bed earlier and earlier until she's getting enough rest to not be a total asshole.

- All electronics removed from bedroom so that she's not tempted to use them after hours, which eats into sleep time.

- Shower at night to minimize morning activity.

[Ladybug]

So funny, I'm reading about emotional projection this morning too. Parallel lives it's a little convoluted, but I've ended up mulling over the same things this morning and wanted to start a thread. My The Lean book got a little heavy, and referenced Jung's "shadow self". This lead me into a compulsive internet search, culminating in reading "the dark side of light chasers" which is heavily based on Jung's shadow self concept. It's a great read, and I'm plowing though it today. Our shadow self is the disowned attributes of ourselves that we received early messages were not acceptable. Because we have done the hard work to completely bury them, seeing them in other people causes a strong emotional response. You might feel cranky in the mornings. Who wants to cook for kids, chase them around, hurry them out the door, listen to them argument and complain? You put all these feelings of frustration and stress aside because you love your kids and want to work towards their greater good and better day. My tolerance is...err...fragile for my kids acting out on their authentic emotions when I'm working so.damn.hard to keep a lid on my own.

I can see what the author is saying, and reflections in my own life, but I'm stillness to sure what the answer is. I'm only on chapter four. You still have to act a certain way to live peacefully with other people. Interesting thread. We all live here. Hugs. You an amazingly authentic person and I love that you shared this.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Could you ask her? Like in a quiet, private moment where you're getting along great, could you say - "I feel like we're really getting on each others nerves in the AM. I can't allow the bad moods to take over our morning, can you let me know what you think might help." It might not work but she might come up with a great idea that would help! And just having her verbalize an idea might help her "own" this a bit - like if you do her suggestion(s) then she's mildly accountable to trying to make it work because you're implementing her suggestions.

I sort of think this is a good approach since it's a life skill - here's a problem, it's currently unacceptable, whats the solution?

[ladymoreta]

I like the responses so far! I had a thought that's a little silly, but what about a bit of a placebo fun? A small cup of tea for her while you have your coffee. Not much talking allowed before you both have your caffeine, and *of course* she'll be in a better mood afterwards?

[MsSassyBaskets]

I have to be honest, this sounds so much like me. I'm a light sleeper and have been a bad sleeper since I was a child. I used to wake up regularly in the early morning hours when my dad's Wall Street Journal was delivered (like 3 am?). Then I would wake up again when my mom put last night's dishes away at 5 or 6. My cat would usually wake me up once or twice throughout the night. Every little noise, every movement, would wake me up. My bedroom was by my parents' so I woke up whenever they went to bed or got up. I used to put a towel at the bottom of the door to keep out the light from the hall. It would take me ages to get back to sleep every time. By the time I needed to get up for school I would be a crabby mess. I don't think that there were any factors that MADE me a bad sleeper except maybe a natural tendency toward anxiety, but there are factors that help, like keeping the bedroom extremely quiet and light-tight, and having a "gentle" alarm (mine plays nature sounds and soothing music). I sleep with a second pillow over my eyes and ears. As a kid it would have helped if I had had a bedroom further away from high-traffic areas of the house. I was drinking coffee by the time I was in high school. A good night's sleep is still one of the most elusive, and most amazing feelings for me.

Any tendency toward anxiety for her? Anything else you can do to make her bedroom a cozy, quiet spot for sleep?

I know it must be incredibly frustrating, but from someone who still has trouble with sleep, it can feel literally painful when you're that tired every morning. If someone were to tell me to just grin and bear it when I'm feeling like that, it would feel incredibly insensitive, and I would probably turn into even more of a crabby monster.

[mommax3]

I like T&S's idea, and also suggest you talk about what works for you when you are grumpy, and what your bare minimum expectations are for her in the mornings, regardless of her mood. Couch it as a life skill that you want to help her with. Lord knows I still struggle with mornings, and probably always will! One of my boys has inherited that tendency, one is an early bird like his dad, and the third is "in transition" (translation: he recently turned 13 and my happy little boy is developing some not so happy qualities).

[houseelf]

Love the responses!

Any tendency toward anxiety for her? Anything else you can do to make her bedroom a cozy, quiet spot for sleep?

Yes, damn it. She gets that from her mother. It is cringeworthy to see. I cope by hiding all of my bad emotions (not acceptable). Fake-it-until-you-make-it works brilliantly until it crashes spectacularly. Anyway, If I'm *truly honest* I am pissed that she thinks its ok to let it all hang out. Shadow, shadow, shadow. That is why I can let other issues, OMGyou-are-so-entitled, go. I know I'm a worker bee and shiz is going to get done. I just inherently believe that. It's not a reflection on anyone.

I love the thought of drawing upon her ideas. It has to happen. I can't let this single aspect drag the whole thing down.

Thanks guys. Wait until I post about my teen. LOL. Go ahead and pop that popcorn.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Yes, damn it. She gets that from her mother. It is cringeworthy to see. I cope by hiding all of my bad emotions (not acceptable). Fake-it-until-you-make-it works brilliantly until it crashes spectacularly. Anyway, If I'm *truly honest* I am pissed that she thinks its ok to let it all hang out. Shadow, shadow, shadow.

In that case, as someone who was THAT kid, sensitivity and compassion, and engaging her in solutions, will probably go a lot farther than "buck up, buttercup". It's easier to learn how to deal with your feelings if you first acknowledge that you are entitled to them, good or bad. Being told (or having it implied) that you're feeling the "wrong" thing and need to just cut it out is a real mindfuck for a kid. Pardon my french.

[SoonerTexan]

Haha my son and husband are these people!!!

[Thirteen]

DS1 is like this.


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[Sheherezade]

In that case, as someone who was THAT kid, sensitivity and compassion, and engaging her in solutions, will probably go a lot farther than "buck up, buttercup". It's easier to learn how to deal with your feelings if you first acknowledge that you are entitled to them, good or bad. Being told (or having it implied) that you're feeling the "wrong" thing and need to just cut it out is a real mindfuck for a kid. Pardon my french.

My daughter is this way. We have moved her bedroom three times to get it "right". We finally renovated our attic and she is so happy up there. It's totally removed from the house and perfectly quiet. Anything wakes this kid up. Seriously, last night she told me her goldfish was keeping her awake. Lol

Anyway, we don't speak in the morning at all. She's totally cool with that. We discussed her grumpiness at some point and she manages it, but we have our own separate "wake up" routines now. The first words we share are when I'm getting her in the car to go.

My kid is 15. We probably worked this out when she was 13 or so. Maybe you've got a few years before she can manage morning on her own, but I'd talk to her about how to make them more peaceful for everyone. My kid just needs her own space for an hour or so. In exchange, I don't have to do anything to get her ready - just stay out of her way until 7 am.


Angie