Birds and the bees

[spotty_dog]

So, as my kids have grown I've prided myself on using correct names for anatomy, and not shying away from answering their questions. They moved predictably from "where does a baby come from," to "how does it grow in there," to "how does it get out," and these were easy to answer. I've also been fairly forthright about how bodies change from children to young adults to grown adults (except for menstruation, I'm gunshy about that.) But the last few months, DS started asking, "How exactly does the cell from the man's body get into the woman's body?" or "How do people choose whether or not to have a baby after they marry?" And...I have wimped out and redirected him every time.

He's nine now and I finally just gritted my teeth and checked out "It's So Amazing" from the library. But DH saw it and thinks it's too detailed for his age. Admittedly there's a lot of stuff in there about love and kissing leading to sex, and about good touches and bad touches, that I'm leery to share even though it's arguably important. :\

To make matters worse, DD6 saw it on the high shelf where I'd left it for my own perusal and took it down and read the whole thing. She only skimmed, but has been begging me to let her see it again or to read it together.

I kind of want to just hand the book to DS and deal with the fallout. Or get brave and use some of the wording from the book to just finally answer his questions. But I kind of want to protect the innocence of what we have now, with all of us being able to choose whether to go around naked or protect our privacy, without any concerns about what mommy and daddy might be up to under the covers. >.<

When did you have The Talk and how did the logistics work for you?

[medpedspouse]

Disclaimer, I don't have children....can only go by my experience.

If they are asking - answer. My mom says that I asked so many questions and she finally gave up and just started answering. I am so thankful for that because I always felt like I knew more than my friends and as such never felt confused or embarrassed. Before my first period, She gave me a book with all kinds of diagrams and information. When I started, I immediately thought "menarchy" - yes, at that age and was ver matter of fact and went and told her about it. Regarding the sex part, I was never taught that is was an ewwwww, or bad thing. My parents were never exhibitionists but I KNEW how I came to be. My mom explained the different types of intimacy. Again, very matter of fact. I asked her once if it made her uncomfortable and she said that when I was little it did only because I would blurt out whatever I had learned at whatever volume regardless of the audience. However, as I got older, she knew that the less of a big deal she made sex, puberty, etc, the more I would talk and feel that IT IS a normal part of life.

I taught my guy friends in highschool what happened to their bodies and once even the difference between a tampon and a pad!! I was the one that came and asked my mom about signs of pregnancy when two friends were freaking out because they thought they were pregnant. Because sexuality/body changes were never treated as a big deal only natural, I felt empowered to make choices about my body because of the knowledge I had. My sister came 14 years later and she feels the same way. So, I am a big believer in just telling it like it is. I do not think that I lost any innocence. I only remember always feeling pretty damn secure in my body and with my body - even through various changes. Nothing can make you feel more in control of your body than to say to a guy that is hugging on you "I can feel your penis - nah, I do not think that we need to hang out alone - sorry - you'll only end up feeling worse." - in high school. College was a breeeze!

[spotty_dog]

My parents showed me the movies for "Where did I come from" and "What's happening to me" when I was about 9. Maybe 10. It was not a big deal and answered my questions. I thought it was a little awkward that they had to do it through books and movies, and I always thought I'd be totally sex-positive in this house and keep those doors wide open from the get-go, but the practicality of it is intimidating. >.< I want my son to know the biological basics, so we can build on that as we start talking more about puberty and relationships when he's hitting his teens. Definitely the contraception and sexual intimacy topics need not to be taboo by the time we're at 13, 14, 15! But crossing that line NOW, telling my third grader that penises go in vaginas, ugh. Scary. I'm such a wuss.

[medpedspouse]

IDK - I would almost think that it would be easier to explain the penises go into vaginas talk to a third grader than a kid in junior high. I figure by that time they all of the sudden decide their parents are a constant source of embarrassment - no no P and V talk allowed.

[spotty_dog]

IDK - I would almost think that it would be easier to explain the penises go into vaginas talk to a third grader than a kid in junior high. I figure by that time they all of the sudden decide their parents are a constant source of embarrassment - no no P and V talk allowed.

Yes! That too, LOL. Time is a-wastin'!

[MDPhDWife]

Having two DD's, the need to talk about periods early on before nature beat us to the punch gave us the necessary nudge. Since they're three years apart, our younger one naturally learned about everything even earlier just by witnessing her older sister go through things. It's uncomfortable at first but once the horse is out of the barn sex discussions get much easier. I had my daughters read the Care and Keeping of you. Is there something similar for boys? If you feel like the book you already have is good, I would read that with your DS instead of handing it over and waiting for him to approach you with questions. This way you can have dialog as you go and it leaves the door open.

[ballibeg]

Buy a farm.

A few years ago after turning the ram in with the ewes I was leaning on the gate with my 10 year old son. As we watched the ram jumped on the back of one if the ewes and thrusted away until falling off 10 seconds later. I felt my lad slip his hand into mine and with a squeeze he looked up at me with a shocked face and said,

'Dad, will I have to do that one day?'

I looked down on his rosy cheeks, innocent face and worried eyes and said what every man has to say to his son in times like these,

'You'll have to ask your mother.'

[rufflesanddots]

Buy a farm.

A few years ago after turning the ram in with the ewes I was leaning on the gate with my 10 year old son. As we watched the ram jumped on the back of one if the ewes and thrusted away until falling off 10 seconds later. I felt my lad slip his hand into mine and with a squeeze he looked up at me with a shocked face and said,

'Dad, will I have to do that one day?'

I looked down on his rosy cheeks, innocent face and worried eyes and said what every man has to say to his son in times like these,

'You'll have to ask your mother.'

Ha!

My mom gave me a few books and I had sex education in school at 6th grade. If you do just basic answers ("A daddy puts his penis in a mommy's vagina), maybe he'll retain the information but also feel bored of it? I mean, having to hear about a penis in a vagina at nine years old? Super boring! No detailed follow up needed, at least for a bit.

[Thirteen]

In my family, we started the initial discussion and read books together at age 7,8 I think? I knew about sex, body processes, etc. That conversation evolved into broader subject matter (love, marriage and its relationship with sex, questions about abortion, STIs, birth control, masturbation, rape/sexual assault, etc). as I got older. My parents were total pros and calmly answered all my questions - my Mom now confesses that she was inwardly freaking out, but I never knew.


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[spotty_dog]

Buy a farm.

Seriously, these are somewhat country kids who have even seen chickens being butchered, but that particular facet of farm life is not as easy to stumble upon. >.<

[ides]

My son is 7 and is already asking those questions. I'm trying to be frank with the answers but it's weird. I think I should bring a book in soon too.

[spotty_dog]

My mom gave me a few books and I had sex education in school at 6th grade. If you do just basic answers ("A daddy puts his penis in a mommy's vagina), maybe he'll retain the information but also feel bored of it? I mean, having to hear about a penis in a vagina at nine years old? Super boring! No detailed follow up needed, at least for a bit.

Yes and no...this is a pretty inquisitive kid. That said, he knows about sperm (in second grade he did a huge report about how salmon migrate in order to fertilize eggs) and he knows about eggs. He knows about genes and he knows about sexual reproduction and how traits are passed along. He knows that the male cell is made in the testicles and the female cell is made in the ovaries. At the moment this is the ONE stumbling block. So answering this ONE question will probably be enough for now. I just feel like I need to be prepared for the follow-up, "Why would you DO that?!"

[medpedspouse]

"Why would you DO that?!"

Becauuuuse we wanted you silly!

May work but then again may create expectations that sex only happens to procreate.

[Thirteen]

Birds and the bees

I distinctly remember my mom telling me that sex is sometimes because people want to create children, but many times, it's because it feels good and helps a mom and dad connect to each other/physically express their love.

I'm sure she was privately dying, but that answer was very satisfying to my 8 year old self.

😄


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[MrsK]

My son is 7 and is already asking those questions. I'm trying to be frank with the answers but it's weird. I think I should bring a book in soon too.

K1 will be 6yo next month (can you believe it?) and he's been asking lots of questions.

I was bathing Lambie the other night and he asked me to show him where she pees from. I refused and he said that then he'd take a peek himself when I'm not around. Eek! I firmly told him that the parts inside Lambie's diaper and the parts covered by older people's underpants are private and he is not to inspect her or anyone else. Daddy and I will show him later. We decided that DrK will show K1 some diagrams from his anatomy books, explain proper terms, and explain that certain body parts are personal. We feel that he needs to have us answer his questions so he doesn't go about satisfying his curiosity in inappropriate ways. (ETA: That came across a lot more prude than I intended or it seemed at the time. The concern is that since he has a little sister and he's inquisitive, we don't want him to unwittingly molest her to satisfy his curiosity. We are aware that his questions are innocent and stem from a genuine curiosity but we have to balance that with appropriate boundaries in the sibling relationship. So, it's more like "don't touch your sister in the bath; we'll show you some pictures when bath time is over.")

Both of our boys have also asked whether becoming married makes you pregnant (as in, when you kiss at the ceremony, is the bride spontaneously impregnated) and why their penises point up sometimes. We've explained that marriage doesn't automatically lead to parenthood and that not all married people have children. Regarding erections, DrK told them that's just how the penis works and they seemed satisfied with that for now (though, knowing K1, he'll have follow up questions in a couple days). Also, the boys have noticed that touching themselves feels good so we've talked about doing that in private and not, say, at the dinner table. We've been answering questions as they arise and it's been a frequent discussion. I expect this will be the case for a long time (at least I hope so -- better to be communicating than not).

The other day, K1 asked whether all eggs are chicken eggs and why the eggs in our fridge don't hatch chicks. This led to a series of questions about where baby chicks come from, how eggs are fertilized, why do boy chickens have the fertilizer, what is the fertilizer called, whether geese fertilize their eggs the same way.....He stopped just short of asking how the hen and rooster get together having become distracted because I mentioned a certain goose named Zha zha we'd seen hatching goslings a couple years ago.

So, yeah, birds & bees, roosters & hens, geese & ganders....we are on the cusp of having "The Talk." I fully expect that K1 will share everything he learns with K2 (4.5yo) and with the whole kindergarten so we are treading carefully.