Sports specialization

[spotty_dog]

I know that parents are just trying not to hold their kids back when they enable this level of focus. But sometimes I think maybe parents need to be the mediating influence too, the grounding perspective. I just have elementary kids, and never participated in anything past softball all-stars and Science Olympiad at the national level…what do I know. Just feeling my way through, here.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I think it's very tricky with highly competitive anything. For every kid that looks back on a "missed childhood" is another kid who wishes their parents would have been more supportive (bc they didn't allow travel teams or allowed their kid to quit and kid regrets it). It's really hard to know what to do, especially if the kid appears to vacillate between love and hate for the commitment.

I hated all the competitive sailing growing up; I wanted to go to sleep away soccer camp but my parents said no. Literally hated sailing while growing up. But I know it helped me get into college and I do love my teammates and I was an All American. At the same time, my college coach asked me one day after graduation why I didn't sail much after I graduated and I said (truthfully), "I don't actually like sailing, I like winning".

[Pollyanna]

I think it's very tricky with highly competitive anything. For every kid that looks back on a "missed childhood" is another kid who wishes their parents would have been more supportive (bc they didn't allow travel teams or allowed their kid to quit and kid regrets it). It's really hard to know what to do, especially if the kid appears to vacillate between love and hate for the commitment.
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This is a great point!

We tell our kids that when they don't love it or they don't want it then we are done. We only do summer ballet intensives for dd14 because we know her intentions are to dance in college and beyond. But she is realistic about what that may look like. We haven't done this for other kids because they don't have the same drive.

I think what people don't realize is that the parents get caught up in the activity as well. I've had moms very upset when their daughters wanted to stop competitive dance. Talk a little more and you find out its because the MOM will miss it! The MOM has friends, the MOM loves the competitions, the MOM has an identity as a dance mom and a group. When her child drops out she loses that. When you invest so much time with these people there can be a very unhealthy attachment that happens. As such, you get parents that push back on the child quitting. It becomes a very unhealthy dynamic. So it's not always that they are looking to make the child a star, sometimes it's because they themselves are looking for a place to belong.

This is why I say to be the facilitator for your child. Let them do the pushing. You do the paying and the driving. Don't get too attached or involved in the activity, focus on your child's needs and you usually come out ahead.

[Ladybug]

We haven't done anything uber competitive yet. We're a "country club" family. Tennis, golf and pool when there's no snow. Leisurely skiing and fire-side hot cocoas in the winters. Golf is really picking up speed for our family, and DH and I play with the kids, walk the course, hit the chipping greens, etc. There are competitive high school golf teams around here. DD12 hasn't really found her sport yet, but enjoys tennis, but not the tennis lessons with boys at the club. They're too aggressive, and she (and DD10) declined group lessons at the club last summer. I'm going to dust off my racquet and spend more time with her on the courts. If she gets really into it I will get private instruction for her.

I'm encouraging each kid to find a sport they can enjoy for a lifetime. We have super competitive adult golfers, tennis players and paddle tennis players that the club. The fun doesn't have to stop in high school or college, plus the whole family can play together and hang where ever they want for the day on the grounds. I have two adult friends that play in the indoor soccer leagues, but my kids just haven't gotten into soccer so far.

DD10 loves softball and just started the spring season with commitments 2-3 days per week. We didn't do any summer camps or fall ball last year, but I'll give her the option this year. My work hours are holding steady, I have a great sitter and things feel stable enough to layer a little more as she gets older. It will be completely self directed on her end. I'm not pushing for any extra driving/sitting

DD7 and DS5 just started LAX, 2 evenings a week. Just drills at this age and they love it. I'm sure that will pick up speed someday, but I'm not rushing it out of social pressure to excel.

I've also strongly encouraged them to pick sports that have teams (coaching/transportation) in middle school and high school. I think it's even harder if everything happens outside of school time. So far they haven't expressed interest in anything not offered through school.

My kids enjoy a good balance and enjoy their down time too. I haven't had a kid interested in a crazy schedule yet, but we still have a ways to go...

[OrionGrad]

I agree with so much that's been said here. I always knew my parents would support my decision to quit gymnastics, so while I was still worried about letting other people down, it was nice to have that strong support system to fall back on.

Taking anything to the extreme is usually a bad idea, but I really hope my boys find a few sports they love and that they stick with them for some time. I would LOVE it if they chose lifestyle sports that we could do together as a family, but it's not really up to me what sports they enjoy.
DH and I both feel like we learned a lot of life lessons through sports that have served us well in life. My dad is a high school athletic director of 30+ years so I'm a little biased in my opinions about all this.

[houseelf]

I think what people don't realize is that the parents get caught up in the activity as well. I've had moms very upset when their daughters wanted to stop competitive dance. Talk a little more and you find out its because the MOM will miss it! The MOM has friends, the MOM loves the competitions, the MOM has an identity as a dance mom and a group. When her child drops out she loses that. When you invest so much time with these people there can be a very unhealthy attachment that happens. As such, you get parents that push back on the child quitting. It becomes a very unhealthy dynamic. So it's not always that they are looking to make the child a star, sometimes it's because they themselves are looking for a place to belong.

THIS!!! I have seen this play out in soccer, lacrosse, and cheer. We have dabbled in entry club level in each of these and some of the parents really live up to the stereotype. I can't imagine what some of the more competitive sports teams look like. Somehow children's sports have become a social organization for the parents. It's a pretty yucky feeling. I have stories, but you all know what I'm talking about. I am friendly but I sit alone most of the time and do not join the crowd. I'm protective of my kids' privacy and my privacy. Sometimes there are horrible boundary issues all around. There is a reason there is a reality show for cheerleading, dance, and pageants. I'm kind of surprised Texas football and New England lacrosse doesn't have one.

Anyway, what Pollyanna says is real. Unfortunately there can be a lot of boundary blurring and it just feels yucky. Be sure to ensure that the kid is in the driver's seat.

[spotty_dog]

It's an interesting distinction to be sure! Part of my ambivalence with DD's new enthusiasm for t-ball and softball is that I feel more at "home" among soccer parents than among Little League parents. >.< With my mild social anxiety, I really like getting to know the people I'm likely to see over and over. I'm so introverted and slow to make friends though, that we'll probably be in high school before I really feel like I can so much as call in a favor with any of the other sports parents, LOL.

Argh, tryouts for the team 35 minutes south of here are on Friday. Tryouts for the team 20 minutes north are next Tuesday and Thursday. Part of me wants to let DS try out with no intention to join the team, just so I have an idea of whether he'd be likely to actually get on the team if he tried out the following year? (Because if he tries out in 2017, I'll probably keep him out of spring soccer, which would be a wasted effort if he doesn't get on the team in May…)

[Ladybug]

Saw this in my FB feed and thought it resonated with the convo. I had no idea they were allowing 14 yo to sign commitments. 😳

http://laxmagazine.com/college_women...rly_recruiting

[MDPhDWife]

There is a reason there is a reality show for cheerleading, dance, and pageants. I'm kind of surprised Texas football and New England lacrosse doesn't have one.

There IS one for TX football! Friday Night Tykes. It takes place in San Antonio.
http://tv.esquire.com/shows/friday-night-tykes

[Pollyanna]

I am friendly but I sit alone most of the time and do not join the crowd. I'm protective of my kids' privacy and my privacy. Sometimes there are horrible boundary issues all around.
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This is basically how dh and I handle it too. The downside of this approach is that we have noticed that sometimes kids get more play time or better parts when you are chummy with the coaches. In our opinion it would seem that the dads that go to every practice and talk to the coach on the sidelines would be annoying as crap but lots of times those kids get more perks regardless of talent. It is a bizarre world to be sure. Would be a fascinating PhD dissertation!!

[OrionGrad]

The downside of this approach is that we have noticed that sometimes kids get more play time or better parts when you are chummy with the coaches. In our opinion it would seem that the dads that go to every practice and talk to the coach on the sidelines would be annoying as crap but lots of times those kids get more perks regardless of talent. It is a bizarre world to be sure. Would be a fascinating PhD dissertation!!

This is absolutely true. In the town we grew up (very small) the dads of all the starters on the football team would be there for practice Every Day. Now I have no idea how that's even possible, since practice was usually right after school. I never noticed anything like that in girls sports, though.

[Sheherezade]

There are a few band parents who come out to "help" the band at Friday night football games even though their kids graduated years ago. It is a social thing. That's not always bad, I guess. They know they other parents, sometimes for years, and they've spent a lot of time at the same volunteer efforts, Friday games, and weekend competitions. Still, at some point it's weird. That's only ONE reason why the transition from parent with kids at home to empty nester is traumatic. You have to change your social life, even if many of your friends are still active parents. And let's face it, no one has time for socializing outside of family type activities, so many times, that's your whole social life!

All that to say, pushy parents are a problem. Socially awkward parents that only know people at the games and don't want their kid to do something new because it means Saturdays will no longer be at the ball field for 3 hours with Kathy/Mary/Sue aren't a problem - they're just misguided.