When Your Child's Friend's Mommy Dies...

[Deebs]

This is Long, and I apologize for that in advance.

My fourth grader has a good friend whose mom has been battling cancer. Last week, the mom died. I'm not thrilled with how DD's teacher has handled the situation. A week prior, I had received an email saying my daughter (who stresses over her grade going from a 97 to a 96%) seems to lack intrinsic motivation and we need to work on it. No mention that this child's mother had been too sick to have the kids at home with her anymore. I guess no one considered that would be upsetting to the other children in the class.

When she died, the classroom teacher literally didn't say anything to the kids, but waited for the school counselor to come in and make an announcement. Once the counselor left, the teacher told the class they could tell the child one time that they were sorry for her loss, and then the subject is never to be mentioned again.

We were sent home a form letter from the principal (to the whole school) explaining the death. Nothing was sent specifically to our class.

The whole thing has been handled SO poorly. In the meanwhile, my daughter (who is a thirty year old trapped in a ten year ild's body) is worried about who will watch her friend after school, who will stay home with her when she's sick (her father has a new job as he was laid off from his previous job when his wife became ill), who will make dinner, etc. We did see the child at Kohls with the classroom teacher, picking out a dress for the funeral, so I was able to point out that her teacher is caring and that everyone will take care of this child, including her dad who is still living.

At the same time my DD's attitude toward school has shifted drastically. She has always loved school and now hates it. She begs not to go and leaves home crying, and also returns home crying. Obviously, we reassure her at home and encourage her to talk through her feelings, but how do I get her through the school year? I can only assume this is all related to her friend's mom dying. I also wonder if she's scared that if she leaves, something will happen to me while she's gone. She's just that kind of kid and that is how kids think.

I emailed her teachers today, asking for help or insight, but I really feel like she needs help at school or tricks to just get her not hate going to school for the next three weeks.

Any and all suggestions are welcome. I'm not above bribery.

[SoonerTexan]

That's rough. I've actually been there though...4th grade too. A classmates father suddenly died of a heart attack on a business trip. He wasn't even 40. I knew the son well though we weren't best friends. I remember talking about it as a class. Other classmates were friends with the son and the father was their baseball coach and they went to the funeral and came back and told the rest of the class about it. Overall I remember being very shocked and unsettled by it, but I think it was handled very well. I wish I had more specific suggestions--I don't remember a lot of the details. I'd just talk to her a lot about her fears.


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

That's very tough. No advice but thinking about you and S.

[spotty_dog]

Hm. My son has a friend in his class whose mother has been battling breast cancer for a few years. She is such a sweet and bright kiddo, and likes to talk to me about the things she learns from her mom's doctors. There was a community-wide fundraiser for her a year or so ago, because they are pretty low-income and under-insured. The mother has taken a turn for the worse in recent months, and the kid was out of school for a couple of weeks to stay by her bedside. I was there for roll call one day while she was absent, and when her name was called the other kids in the class all chorused, "She's not here because her MOM IS SICK!" The teacher talked them down like this was a regular occurrence, "Yes, she's at the hospital, yes, we hope she'll be back in class soon." The whole thing was clearly on their minds. I can see how it could be rough on all the kids if she passed, and it sure seems like it has been mis-handled in your daughter's case.

As far as any fears your daughter has related to this situation, can you address those directly? Just, "Hey, is it upsetting to you that ___ lost her mom? It's rare for people to get so sick, so it can be really frightening and unfamiliar." Also, do you have the flexibility to go volunteer in the classroom every so often? I find that when I can say, "I see you were talking about gorillas today, what did you learn," or "What did you do on BrainPop today during math small groups?" I can get them to discuss a little more of the positive stuff they do in school, and help cement that in their minds, as opposed to "What did you do today," and the first thing that pops into mind is "I got hit by a dodgeball in the face," and now school is all bad memories, you know?

[rufflesanddots]

I agree with SD about addressing her fears directly. When I was a kid I somehow developed a huge fear of my parents dying (nightmares, obsessive thinking). My mom finally walked me through what would happen (after saying how unlikely it was). She went to great lengths to explain they were both healthy but that if something terrible did happen we had a lot of family that loved us and would care for us. It kind of took the job of worrying off my shoulders.

So sorry you're going through this!

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[MrsK]

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I imagine this would be very difficult. Perhaps there is some way you can involve your daughter in supporting her friend? Maybe she can help you provide meals for the family or run an errand or have the girl over after school? Just to demonstrate how a lot of people, including your daughter, can help her friend.

Also, I would address her fears directly. It's completely understandable. One of my sisters in law (not the one I've with whom I've been struggling) lost her mother and two siblings in a house fire when she was a teenager. It's always a tricky thing when the kids ask about her family. Her children are the eldest of the cousins so I paid attention when they found out. Her eldest is in 5th grade now. A couple years ago, he started asking about her family and she explained what had happened. He was able to process it but told his younger brother who had nightmares for months. He was so worried that his mom would die too that he couldn't bear to let her leave the house. They ended up sending him to therapy. The other day, my boys asked me about her family and I just told them they had died a long time ago. They concluded that her family must have been very old so I left it at that for now.

[alison]

It's been a few weeks now, but I wanted to chip in that maybe your dd would find it useful to talk to a therapist. It sounds like she may have a lot of things going on: her own devastation (and lack of a way to work through it at school) to feeling anxious. My dd is much younger, but the workbook "What to do when you worry too much" by Dawn Huebner helped my dd to at least pinpoint what it was that was bothering her. It on amazon and I see that it's intended for kids 8 and up.

[Deebs]

Thanks Alison - I realized I never checked back in. I so appreciate everyone's suggestions. The school really never did do anything (though I found out yesterday that SEVEN parents have been in the principal's office in the last couple weeks to complain about how the teacher has handled this, so I guess many people didn't appreciate that nothing was done).

As a family, we've talked a lot about this child, what our plans are for the kids if something were to happen to DH, me, or both, we have had the little girl over which has helped a ton, and things have improved a lot. Alison, I'm going to order that book. I'm also looking for a good therapist. I think I mentioned elsewhere we have three friends whose children are battling brain cancer. One is definitely terminal. I'm trying to anticipate helping the kids through that.


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[alison]

Great, I hope the book helps. It made me so sad when the prompt in the book was something like "draw Xs on this cartoon body where you hurt/feel badly when you are worried" and M drew Xs on every single body part.

Oh wow, I'm sorry to hear that you have three friends whose children are so severely ill.