Self Awareness

[MrsK]

K1 started chess camp today. He begged to do this. However, chess requires some behavior norms that value quiet, stillness, and restraint. All things that are almost impossible for K1.

I contacted the instructor and explained that K1 has ADHD/SPD and that these behavior norms will be difficult for him. The instructor's response was lovely and he recommended that K1 share his challenges with the class at the start of the first session so that they may be more tolerant, know what to expect from him and how to react.

K1 had never done this before but, as he is almost 9yo, I thought it would be a good idea for him to learn some self advocacy. However, when I began to discuss it with him, I discovered that he is completely unaware that there is anything different about the way he interacts with people.

I don't know if I should let him continue to be oblivious or if I should make him more aware of his difficulties. Thoughts?

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[Thirteen]

I think it’s okay to talk about differences, it’s all in the context and approach. Differences don’t have to be bad (as you know), and self-awareness helps us know what we need and how to ask for it. ❤️

I don’t remember feeling different from other kids until late elementary (and, that was largely due to behavior-shaming from teachers and coaches, as well as stupid mean girl playground antics from “frenemies”).
I say if you have the power to shape the conversation, do it.


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[MrsK]

I attempted to talk to him and it was spectacularly awful. I framed it as differences in learning style and abilities. He went on a tangent about DNA and downs syndrome and inherited characteristics which eventually dissolved into a discussion about chess strategies. K2 has asked me why K1 goes to OT, takes meds, has trouble getting along in gym class, why other kids think he's weird....Meanwhile, K1 is unaware of any of this.

I'm sure that people would be more accommodating if he were able to articulate that certain things are hard for him. But he doesn't even notice that some things are more difficult for him than others.

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[houseelf]

Eek. You have already received fantastic advice, but I would just add that this sounds like an ongoing conversation that starts out small and gentle and keep giving him more chunks. If he truly doesn't get it, you will have to help him build an awareness. I agree that self awareness and advocacy are so important. Good luck. This stuff is so hard.

[diggitydot]

Our youngest is on the autism spectrum, has an expressive-receptive language disorder, and has some mild sensory stuff in the mix. He’s very aware that his brain works a little differently than most other people’s brains and he’s totally cool with it. Dude self-advocates like nobody’s business and is completely confident in who is he. He accepts and likes himself entirely at an age where that is not common.

At K1’s age, our youngest was TOTALLY unaware of himself, at all. That’s when we started talking about how different people have different points of view and sometimes perceive things in ways we don’t perceive them. Because he was a little boy, we’d use silly examples to highlight this. For instance, I’d tell him that while me scratching my butt might feel good to me, it might make someone else really uncomfortable. I asked what things other people did that made him uncomfortable and talked about how that was something that may have felt good or comfortable to the person doing it. This helped him realize that this was a common issue and it impacted everyone, not just him.

[MrsK]

Our youngest is on the autism spectrum, has an expressive-receptive language disorder, and has some mild sensory stuff in the mix. He’s very aware that his brain works a little differently than most other people’s brains and he’s totally cool with it. Dude self-advocates like nobody’s business and is completely confident in who is he. He accepts and likes himself entirely at an age where that is not common.

At K1’s age, our youngest was TOTALLY unaware of himself, at all. That’s when we started talking about how different people have different points of view and sometimes perceive things in ways we don’t perceive them. Because he was a little boy, we’d use silly examples to highlight this. For instance, I’d tell him that while me scratching my butt might feel good to me, it might make someone else really uncomfortable. I asked what things other people did that made him uncomfortable and talked about how that was something that may have felt good or comfortable to the person doing it. This helped him realize that this was a common issue and it impacted everyone, not just him.

I like this idea. He is clearly unaware of his impact on others. For instance, how making a mess at the dinner table grosses everyone out, why it’s important to use a fork.

I also had a talk with him about his “race car” brain. I explained that his mind works quickly and is very agile. He thinks of things that no one else thinks of. But when his thoughts are racing, sometimes he pays attention to things that others find unimportant and fails to notice things that others do think are important. His race car brain has a fast accelerator but not-so-good breaks. I told him that he’s using meds and going to OT to help him apply the brakes when necessary. IDK if this analogy sunk in but K2 overheard us and he’s repeated the analogy several times now.

Meanwhile, in chess camp, K1 said the instructor mentioned his difficulties to the class and asked that they be patient with him. The little that I’ve observed, K1 is standing during games, fidgeting, and chewing but his partners don’t seem bothered. He is a little younger than most of the other boys in there (it’s all boys) and doesn’t play as well. Yesterday, he had a game that he believed should have ended in a draw but the instructor declared his opponent the winner. This affected his ranking in the class tournament. K1 says he thought this was a terrible injustice but he restrained himself from freaking out as he normally would have done because he did not want to be disqualified. The other boys have been admiring his chess set and, today, one boy stayed after class to play Pokémon Go with him. So, overall, he’s getting along well and giving the class a heads up seems to have softened them toward him. They seem like nice boys who share many of his interests though only one who is several years older goes to his school.


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[spotty_dog]

Kids who are interested in chess will often be kids who have or who understand quirks. I was hoping it would be a good fit and I'm glad it's going well so far! Keep working on the self advocacy stuff, I think it's fine for it to be a work in progresS but also good for it to be a goal in sight. ❤️

[MrsK]

As of today, he’s ranked 10 of 20 in the chess tournament. So he’s right in the middle of the pack. I’m pleasantly surprised.


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