The Messy Child

[SoonerTexan]

My wonderful, sweet 6 year old is driving me nuts. She is smart and kind and helpful and did great in school this year. She even won the kindergartener award! But the child is sooooooooo messy.

She is just one of those kids that has no concept of how to play without making things a disaster. If she plays dress up, everything she owns goes on the floor and is dragged around the house. She does a lot of wonderful creative play and I don't want to stifle that, but in the process she makes gigantic messes that span most of the rooms of our house and take forever to clean up. I dread play dates at this point because the aftermath is just so horrible. She keeps everything and hates throwing anything away. Her seat in the car is always the worst, which is saying something because she is beating 2 and 4 year old boys. Overall, they actually are much neater than her.

To be clear, we don't have super high standards. Our house is not pristine or clutter free, so this isn't a case of me being a KonMari clean freak that cant handle the mess. The biggest problem is we have no dedicated play space, so she manages to destroy all our common areas when she really gets going and her room is always a disaster. I don't even expect her room to be super clean, or even for her to make the bed. I do expect that at 6 she can put her shoes and dirty clothes away in the proper places and pick up her toys. She does okay cleaning up the common areas (with a lot of nagging), but never makes any headway on her room unless I'm in there showing her what to do. She just doesn't seem to get it at all. She doesn't care if the room is clean and says she can find things just fine. Essentially, she is her father circa college. (God help me). It's the one area where my people pleaser just doesn't care.

I help her clean and show her how to put stuff away and have made sure that everything has a place. (except for all the extra crap she collects) I have told her she can fill a sticker chart if she keeps her room clean (coveted in our house), but she has to get it clean first. I was planning on helping her get it all together one more time and then try and reinforce the behavior with the sticker chart.

If that doesn't work, I'm considering the nuclear option of letting her know in advance that she will be losing some items if she cannot keep them in decent order. However, I know that will devastate her.

How far do I go here? I don't want to go overboard as this is really the only issue I have with her and on some level I think it is just part of who she is. I don't think there is anything else going on because she can focus and be organized in other areas very well.

On the other hand, I feel like she needs to learn some of these skills (how to keep your stuff in basic order and learn to let go of crap) just to be a functional person later in life and the earlier you start, the better.

This is her room after she cleaned it, for reference:

[Ladybug]

I will see your messy daugher and raise you a messy middle school daugher.

IMG_4876 by r, on Flickr

DD2 is soooooo messy. She's highly creative (she had just created a slime machine out of cardboard that dropped the different slime components with push things) but not fun to live with. Her two sisters are the opposite. They are mostly clean and reorganize their rooms frequently. It's a personality issue. Your daughter's prefrontal cortex is only half developed. I was a messy person (clothes everywhere) and having a random person see my room in college made me change forever. It wasn't the same coming from loving family and friends.

DD2 has a lot of amazing qualities that her organized sisters don't have. Everyone loves her. That's not an exeraggeration. Her social life is easy compared to the other two girls. For every minute I could spend making her clean her room I spend talking the other two through social issues ad nauseum. She works really hard at her grades even though she's not as gifted as the other two. She plays softball like it's her last game. Her room remains a disaster.

I draw the line at food and insects. I'm constantly on her about that. I give nothing for free. Every sleepover or event requires a room cleaning. I've threatened to take away her phone until it's cleaned. That's been highly effective.

Out of respect she can't mess up the rest of the house. She seems to honor that mostly. My house isn't perfect by any stretch, but it's not like her room. I really don't think she'll stay this way, but it's draining.

FullSizeRender by , on Flickr

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Mine always have a LOT of trouble when they have too much stuff. Have you considered removing all the toys/extra stuff from her room (tough because I know you have a small space) and then enforcing the "one thing out at a time" rule? When we moved into this house, I only took our 30% of the toys...they haven't noticed. I have noticed they play longer and deeper with only a FEW toys out.

Since it's the last few weeks of summer, I wouldn't do it now but if it were me...I'd start the school year with a clean/much emptier room and see if she can keep that clean. Add back things as you go. I wouldn't make it punitive (especially knowing N) but more like, "We need to be more organized, it's easier to find things when we see the floor. We'll add back as we go." Just very neutral.

Mine will put crap alllllllllllll over if they're allowed but I just try to limit their stuff. Another thing that works for us...I read aloud to them as they clean. So while they tidy their room at night, I'm reading aloud. So I'm there for consultation but they're moving around quietly tidying. As soon as they're done, they join me on the floor/bed to finish the book (and I do let them stop to look at pictures). Telling them to go clean results in almost no cleaning (C is better than D but not by much). I found if I waited until stuff was clean...it was too late to read and we were past bedtime. I know that for me personally, I much more enjoy cleaning/dishes/laundry if I'm listening to a podcast/watching TV so I think there's actually something to it. Also...if they complain, they can't hear the story.

[civilspouse]

The Messy Child

Mine always have a LOT of trouble when they have too much stuff. Have you considered removing all the toys/extra stuff from her room (tough because I know you have a small space) and then enforcing the "one thing out at a time" rule? When we moved into this house, I only took our 30% of the toys...they haven't noticed. I have noticed they play longer and deeper with only a FEW toys out.

Since it's the last few weeks of summer, I wouldn't do it now but if it were me...I'd start the school year with a clean/much emptier room and see if she can keep that clean. Add back things as you go. I wouldn't make it punitive (especially knowing N) but more like, "We need to be more organized, it's easier to find things when we see the floor. We'll add back as we go." Just very neutral.

Mine will put crap alllllllllllll over if they're allowed but I just try to limit their stuff. Another thing that works for us...I read aloud to them as they clean. So while they tidy their room at night, I'm reading aloud. So I'm there for consultation but they're moving around quietly tidying. As soon as they're done, they join me on the floor/bed to finish the book (and I do let them stop to look at pictures). Telling them to go clean results in almost no cleaning (C is better than D but not by much). I found if I waited until stuff was clean...it was too late to read and we were past bedtime. I know that for me personally, I much more enjoy cleaning/dishes/laundry if I'm listening to a podcast/watching TV so I think there's actually something to it. Also...if they complain, they can't hear the story.

I have no idea, we have messy messy rooms here too but I like this reading idea. This summer we started listening to audiobooks from our library app. It does help distract the kids (and me) to help us get through a less fun task like picking up the living room together.


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[SoonerTexan]

Mine always have a LOT of trouble when they have too much stuff. Have you considered removing all the toys/extra stuff from her room (tough because I know you have a small space) and then enforcing the "one thing out at a time" rule? When we moved into this house, I only took our 30% of the toys...they haven't noticed. I have noticed they play longer and deeper with only a FEW toys out.

Since it's the last few weeks of summer, I wouldn't do it now but if it were me...I'd start the school year with a clean/much emptier room and see if she can keep that clean. Add back things as you go. I wouldn't make it punitive (especially knowing N) but more like, "We need to be more organized, it's easier to find things when we see the floor. We'll add back as we go." Just very neutral.

I like the reading aloud idea. That might help. She definitely needs direction on how to clean, but she also just hates doing it.

I desperately want to take lots of the crap out of her room. The problem is I literally have nowhere to put it, except maybe the attic (so it cant be anything damaged by heat) or my mom's house. I'm also afraid she will find it punitive no matter what. She is attached to EVERYTHING. That is part of the problem. I tried to give away a newborn lovey that she had never show interest in and she fell apart and made it a treasured possession. I've had some luck with trashing/removing things while she is at school (and doesn't notice), but then she quickly refills the empty space with new "treasures." So I'm not sure that giving her a clean slate will do much to help the problem in the long run.

DD2 is soooooo messy. She's highly creative (she had just created a slime machine out of cardboard that dropped the different slime components with push things) but not fun to live with. Her two sisters are the opposite. They are mostly clean and reorganize their rooms frequently. It's a personality issue. Your daughter's prefrontal cortex is only half developed. I was a messy person (clothes everywhere) and having a random person see my room in college made me change forever. It wasn't the same coming from loving family and friends.

You give me some hope. My sister was actually very similar and she is a very neat person now. Something changed in her early 20s. I can deal with that. At the same time, my mom was always on us to get rid of things and clean and I think eventually some of those lessons sort of sunk in. Whereas on my husband's side of the family, they were allowed to just let the crap accumulate (it's not dirty, but there is stuff everywhere and they are attached to everything) and they have all carried that particular trait outside their childhood home, which was a HUGE source of conflict between DH and I in the first 5 years of our marriage (and still is occasionally, but we've found a way to make it work). So I guess that is the root of my question--how big of an issue do it I make it?

This also might be an "end of the summer" thread. We've all spent way too much time in the house in this horrible heat so she's had many hours to make things a disaster. It wasn't as bad during the school year, for sure.

[SoonerTexan]

then enforcing the "one thing out at a time" rule?

I guess that is my other question...that is what they are supposed to do, but I have to admit, her most creative playsessions usually involve toys from a bunch of different sets into one grand mess that is a PITA to clean up, but is pretty impressive at the same time. And some of my favorite memories from childhood are when we built an entire town in our gameroom and each owned our own "stores" or created our own circus. We would spend HOURS doing that. They were huge messes. But they were fun! So IDK.

[Thirteen]

Mine always have a LOT of trouble when they have too much stuff. Have you considered removing all the toys/extra stuff from her room (tough because I know you have a small space) and then enforcing the "one thing out at a time" rule? When we moved into this house, I only took our 30% of the toys...they haven't noticed. I have noticed they play longer and deeper with only a FEW toys out.

Since it's the last few weeks of summer, I wouldn't do it now but if it were me...I'd start the school year with a clean/much emptier room and see if she can keep that clean. Add back things as you go. I wouldn't make it punitive (especially knowing N) but more like, "We need to be more organized, it's easier to find things when we see the floor. We'll add back as we go." Just very neutral.

Mine will put crap alllllllllllll over if they're allowed but I just try to limit their stuff. Another thing that works for us...I read aloud to them as they clean. So while they tidy their room at night, I'm reading aloud. So I'm there for consultation but they're moving around quietly tidying. As soon as they're done, they join me on the floor/bed to finish the book (and I do let them stop to look at pictures). Telling them to go clean results in almost no cleaning (C is better than D but not by much). I found if I waited until stuff was clean...it was too late to read and we were past bedtime. I know that for me personally, I much more enjoy cleaning/dishes/laundry if I'm listening to a podcast/watching TV so I think there's actually something to it. Also...if they complain, they can't hear the story.

This has worked wonders for us. We don’t have a lot, but what we do have they love and play with frequently. Their bedrooms look incredibly sterile, but the fight to “keep it clean” is gone. We have a designated place for all their toys and one bin for “craft items” (and it snaps closed and is small): whatever fits in those two places is fine, but beyond that, no. My kids and I both get completely overwhelmed by “stuff” and going minimal has greatly helped us when it comes time to pick it all up. YMMV.


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[MrsK]

K1 is my messy kid and Lambie is leaning in that direction too. They both like stuff a lot, play with things creatively, build stuff, and set up different vignettes around the house. I try to designate spots for certain types of messes. I had to make our billiards table into a lego play space. K1, however, cannot finish a meal without ruining his clothes.

K2, on the other hand, isn't interested in stuff and he gets annoyed if his siblings wrinkle his bed covers. I really do think it's a personality thing. K2 and I both have anxiety and perfectionist tendencies. Purging stuff and organizing makes us feel like we are in control. DrK, K1 and Lambie are more easy going. In the case of DrK and K1, they literally don't even notice the mess.

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[Pollyanna]

She sounds like an amazing girl that is kind, loving, and creative. As your children grow you are going to tackle lots of stuff, some big, some small, and some scary as hell. Trust me when I tell you that you will not only need that relationship preserved but you will want it preserved. Of our six we have one that is neat and organized. But instead of freaking and and taking away toys or creating artificial play environments in an effort to keep the house in order we established one rule. It is very simply this, “when we ask you to help pick up you will do it with a happy heart”. It’s clear and understandable. I’m not going to create a fight or yell at the kiddo that drops clothes across the house or toys or candy wrappers but when I say, “hey, can you put those in the laundry” with kindness and no snark on my part I expect the same response on their part. It takes work but it’s worth it.

[MrsK]

She sounds like an amazing girl that is kind, loving, and creative. As your children grow you are going to tackle lots of stuff, some big, some small, and some scary as hell. Trust me when I tell you that you will not only need that relationship preserved but you will want it preserved. Of our six we have one that is neat and organized. But instead of freaking and and taking away toys or creating artificial play environments in an effort to keep the house in order we established one rule. It is very simply this, “when we ask you to help pick up you will do it with a happy heart”. It’s clear and understandable. I’m not going to create a fight or yell at the kiddo that drops clothes across the house or toys or candy wrappers but when I say, “hey, can you put those in the laundry” with kindness and no snark on my part I expect the same response on their part. It takes work but it’s worth it.

I just love your parenting advise. There are times that I literally stop and say to myself “What Would Pollyanna Do”.


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

While I respect and appreciate your advice, I feel a little insulted that my advice was characterized as “freaking out” and “creating artificial play environments”.

I’m not super upset but that’s not how I would describe my approach. I don’t think being minimalist is being artificial if that’s what works for your family. And I do not agree that it’s freaking out to have a neutral conversation about the benefits of being neater especially if the mess is impacting other family members.


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[MsSassyBaskets]

I was that messy kid. My mom made lots of threats, never followed through with them, and got frustrated quickly by trying to teach me how to tidy up, and quickly gave up. I didn't make real progress until college. I'm still a minor slob, but I do know how to tidy up for company now. �� I have a kid like this too - leaves a trail of destruction in her wake - and frankly I just let her be messy most of the time, but I do show her where things go and make sure there's a place for everything... My best advice would be to keep showing her over and over, patiently, casually, and kindly. Threats may make her dig in more and hold on tighter. Maybe try some creative ways of helping her "display" or "make a special home" for her prized belongings (teaching her that things go in a specific place, but in a fun way). Put all her items in her room so they're not in your common space, and make sure she has place to put them. It will sink in eventually, and it won't happen any faster if you lose your patience. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious - just to say that it's truly personality and the best you can do is to keep pushing gently until she gets it.

[Pollyanna]

While I respect and appreciate your advice, I feel a little insulted that my advice was characterized as “freaking out” and “creating artificial play environments”.

I’m not super upset but that’s not how I would describe my approach. I don’t think being minimalist is being artificial if that’s what works for your family. And I do not agree that it’s freaking out to have a neutral conversation about the benefits of being neater especially if the mess is impacting other family members.


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Sorry! I didn’t even read the other responses so nothing was directed your way! Do what works for you 👍🏻

[SoonerTexan]

My mom made lots of threats, never followed through with them, and got frustrated quickly by trying to teach me how to tidy up, and quickly gave up. I didn't make real progress until college. I'm still a minor slob, but I do know how to tidy up for company now.

I NEVER would have guessed!

[SoonerTexan]

This is what we did today. She helped me do it and admitted it felt better clean. Let's see how long it lasts with the sticker chart to motivate her! She's earning a mermaid tail. I love my sparkly fairy princess