should I say anything?

[peggyfromwastate]

I'm not a confrontational person. I just avoid confrontation like a disease... But yesterday Kate said something to me that's been bugging me. She has a friend whose mom is some sort of teacher. I have met her a few times. Her daughter (kate's classmate) is her oldest child, and she has a 6 and a 3 year old, too. The first time I met her was when Kate had invited her daughter to a Christmas party held by our church's youth group. The mom wanted to "check out the party" first, so we met at the party. The first thing she said to me was, "Wow, I didn't know you're so young..."

I didn't think anything of it, I just said-- oh, I just look young because I don't do anything with my hair. And then I took her to the party sight, introduced her to the parent chaperones, etc., etc.

The girls have worked on a couple of projects together- and so I've been to this mom's house to pick up Kate, and whenever I pick her up, we chat for a couple of minutes and while she's not really friendly, she's not hostile or anything.

So then yesterday Kate tells me that her friend's mom told her daughter that she doesn't "approve" of me because I'm too young. I don't know what that means, or if it means anything at all? When kate was at their house on Tuesday working on a project, I guess the mom asked her specifically how old I am, and Kate told her I was 32, and being a math teacher she did some quick calcs and figured that I was about 20 when I had Kate. Then comes the comment to the daughter, which Kate heard at school from the friend.

I told Kate that she probably only meant that 20 is too young to have the responsibility of raising a baby, and that generally I agree, but of course life is never cut and dried and so it's hard to make sweeping statements like that. I said she's only trying to protect her daughter- and to keep her from thinking that it's "OK" to be a very young mother... But of course the comment hits a nerve for me. And I'm trying not to fall off the edge of reason here, seeing as it's a 3rd party comment type of thing...

I was just wondering if I should call up this mom and ask her what she meant? Or just let it lie?

She and I were never destined to be dear friends, but I find the judgmental attitude a bit off-putting...

[mommax3]

Re: should I say anything?

Let it lie. There is nothing to be gained from addressing it. WTH, anyway.....20 isn't horribly young for having a baby. Really, Peggy, I would wear her "disapproval" of you as a badge of honor. That woman has problems, and no doubt would find another reason for disapproval later on if she hadn't zeroed in your age.

Sally

[alison]

Re: should I say anything?

I agree with Sally. (Says the very gal who finds it difficult to let things lie. ) You are a great mom to a pack of happy kids, and I always find myself taking mental notes - based on what you write - for how to raise them.

[Rapunzel]

Re: should I say anything?

Wow.

Just wow.

I was 20 when I had my first child and I cannot fathom someone "disapproving" of that. I mean, I am in a strong, stable marriage, we have several wonderful kids (including the one I had at 20), I was an adult when I started having children, and I'm a fairly normal person and contributing member to society. Honestly, I don't see how you are any different from me!!!

What is there to disapprove of? :huh:

I would just ignore it as this is someone who seems a little off her rocker. I mean, of all things to be bigoted about - just ridiculous!

It sounds like she is threatened by you somehow.

Again, I would just put her on my "To be Avoided" list.

Re: should I say anything?

I agree w/Sally and Julia.

If you want to make yourself feel better, she's probably also jealous that you ARE younger and LOOK younger than she does. Yes, she probably wants her daughter to make it past 20 w/o a baby, and I think your response to Kate was spot on.

Nothing to be gained from creating an uncomfortable situation where she probably just won't own up to it anyway.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: should I say anything?

I agree with the say nothing crowd. First, I guess I'd wonder if her daughter didn't *interpret* the comment on her own to mean the mom didn't approve? Then, as satisfying as it might be to put her on the spot :> she will just end up on the defensive and feel uncomfortable...and it will make things awkward.

Maybe you'll be able to work it in someday about how glad you are that you and your husband started your family early and have had the opportunity to raise a large family and spread it out over time or something....

:huh:

Kris

[Rapunzel]

Re: should I say anything?

I wouldn't assign her any horrible motives necessarily. I think your original inclination, that she doesn't want her daughter having a child at 20, is probably all that's going on.

(TR, no disrespect. You belong to a church that provides a strong support system for people to start families at younger ages than most of us.)

But yeah, I think you should let it lie. I could easily see her telling you that she said nothing of the sort and tween girls can't be trusted, etc. etc. Totally not worth the hassle.

Sorry, anyone who is that bigoted - to shun someone because they had a child at 20 has SERIOUS issues.

Good grief. You'd think it was like doing drugs, getting drunk, having a baby out of wedlock, or some other thing parents really should worry about for their daughters.

If it's not just flat out ignorant bigotry it's definitely that she feels threatened by you.

Regardless of reasons why - she's someone to avoid. Like the plague.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: should I say anything?

I'll just throw a last plug out there for the possible false interpretation by the child.

Only because...my daughter has passed on things I've said interpreted by her as if...they were my interpretation. Of course, I could be wrong...but since we're talking about tween girls....I just have to say it one more time.

[Rapunzel]

Re: should I say anything?

I'll just throw a last plug out there for the possible false interpretation by the child.

Only because...my daughter has passed on things I've said interpreted by her as if...they were my interpretation. Of course, I could be wrong...but since we're talking about tween girls....I just have to say it one more time.

Good grief - I seriously hope that is the case. Because if we live in a world where parents don't want their children around someone simply because they had a child as an adult at the age of twenty we're really going down the crapper.

Re: should I say anything?

I think Kris is right on with the misinterpretation theory. I would have serious doubts that a tween girl was repeating word for word what was actually said in the conversation.

Don't let it bother you another second!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: should I say anything?

I'll just throw a last plug out there for the possible false interpretation by the child.

Only because...my daughter has passed on things I've said interpreted by her as if...they were my interpretation. Of course, I could be wrong...but since we're talking about tween girls....I just have to say it one more time.

Good grief - I seriously hope that is the case. Because if we live in a world where parents don't want their children around someone simply because they had a child as an adult at the age of twenty we're really going down the crapper.

Well, I'd argue that we're all doing down the crapper anyway

You know, it's funny how we do judge each other as parents over the weirdest things....and really...you can't let it get to you, Peggy.

When I went to playgroup on Friday, I showed up with a two year old who had colored on herself in the car...on the way there...it just doesn't get more mom-of-five than that. If it has been my first or second child, I would have jumped right back into the van, turned around and gone home because I would have been so worried about what people would think. I'm just...over it now. I went in, made a joke about it, and let the chips fall where they may...and they did. You could totally...tell who was feeling judgmental...and who took it all in stride. There was a day where it would have really bugged me that some people didn't understand or even see (dare I say it) the humor in it. I truly did not care and it actually allowed me to more quickly see who I was going to get along well with. The Zoe test.

Moms take themselves too seriously sometimes...that's all there is to it. If there is truth to this mom's criticism, it says more about her and her own insecurities about herself.

But...to throw a diff. example at you....I got a call last week from one of Andrew's friends' moms. As a punishment for some bad language that he used, he was grounded for 2 weekends. I told him that he could not play with his friends because of the language he had used. He told his friends that I said that he couldn't play with them because he used bad language when he was with them. (NOT what I said) and they told their moms that I said they had taught Andrew bad language (again, NOT what I said). In this case, I was more than happy to clear it up and I'm glad that the mom called and said "eek, is my child swearing in your house". "No, it's my bad child being grounded for swearing and I absolutely said nothing about your child! "

Re: should I say anything?

Sorry, anyone who is that bigoted - to shun someone because they had a child at 20 has SERIOUS issues.

Good grief. You'd think it was like doing drugs, getting drunk, having a baby out of wedlock, or some other thing parents really should worry about for their daughters.

Most people would assume that a child born at 20, with a decent gap between that kid and the next ones, probably did have the kid out of wedlock. I make no judgement on either -- if you have a child and can support it -- more power to you. But I don't think people hoping for their kid to finish college and mature a bit before starting a family is unusal. I do think gossiping about your feelings towards other parents w/your tween is ... asking for trouble.

I'll put it in the "hope the kid misinterpreted" catagory.

[Phoebe]

Re: should I say anything?

See, and when I read this I thought, "She's angry that she's 40ish and Peggy isn't."

Thats what I thought. That mom shouldn't be saying rude stuff to her child. Nice Manners.

[poky]

Re: should I say anything?

Hmm...my mom was 32 when she had me (the oldest), and she most emphatically did *not* want me getting serious and getting married and having kids before I was damn good and ready and self-sufficient, etc., blah, blah, blah (and, to be fair, I got married the first time in my mid-20's, and it really was too young for me)...so I can see where she'd let slip some comment that was meant to let me know that young motherhood wasn't what she had in mind for me, using another parent as an example...even if she really liked the other parent just *fine*...and how that it could be misinterpreted, exaggerated, and how it would have been horribly embarrassing to her if it got back to her, twisted around.

And...it's not like she's forbidding her daughter to hang out with Kate or anything, right? I'd definitely chalk it up to exactly what you explained to Kate...and third-hand through two pre-teens is *really* not likely to be all that close to what she actually said or meant, anyway, right? Always assuming she actually really said anything at all. I'd give her the benefit of the huge amount of doubt the 6th-grade grapevine deserves, and not give it another thought.

[DCJenn]

Re: should I say anything?

Ah, Peggy.

You have had sex like what- five times now, right? and ewwww, you got pregnant. ewwwwww.
and they're already freaking out because like, ewwwww, they have their periods, and ewwwwww it could happen to them and ewwwww, you and Mac had sex and ewwwwww and her friend was like talking about it with her mom, and like her MOM said that like it was sooooo bad that (ewwwww) you had sex when you were 20. (and ewwww, like why would you have sex, again? You ARE trying to just kill her, right? I mean, like No One ELSE's mom is pregnant. AND had sex AND a baby at 20. You are like just the meanest mom EVER. No one could be more embarrassing than YOU. Peggy. IN Fact, Peggy...you are the MOST embarrassing MOM, EVER. ewwww. you had sex. Like 5 times.

Jenn

Man, my tween channeling skills are, like, frightening...

PS- you know, that's the real issue here, right? It's not about you at age 20. It's the torment you're subjecting Kate to now. who knows what she told this girl or this girl told her mother. Ignore it. She's pushing your buttons.