Advice

[peggyfromwastate]

DD1-- the 13 y.o.-- is in a magnet program that takes a *big* field trip during the 8th grade year. They are going to NYC for an entire week. I am so jealous!!!! The trip costs a total of $950 cash-- first installment of 200 due now, then 400 next month and the balance in September...

So, obviously I can't just shell out all this cash since we just barely learned about it--- they just sent out a form 2 weeks ago... I knew about the trip, of course, just not that $600 was due by June. Again... (that's me in the fetal position... we're still paying off one of our 3 $750+ "oil changes"...)

I am thinking of having DD ask my parents and my siblings to contribute towards the expense of the trip for her Christmas present??? But then I feel like I'm just asking for $$ by doing that... My parents already said they'd *help out*... So should I do the whole Christmas present thing or just flat ask for help?

Also, we want DD to work off some of the $$. So, how much do you think she should work off by babysitting, doing extra chores, etc.? What amount would be fair? I am thinking she can use some of her bank accnt money that she's saved over the years for her spending money there, but that over the summer she should earn something like $200 towards the $950? Is that reasonable?

[GrayMatterWife]

You should have her earn some of it herself. $200 sounds about right. She will learn that these things require sacrifice and she will value the trip more.

[MrsK]

Question: If you ante up the $200 now and she doesn't hold up her end of the bargain, do you loose your investment?

I say have her earn $200 and also have her ask for the portion your parents are providing as a Christmas or birthday gift. If she takes ownership in it (both via earning and knowing it's a gift) she may be more likely to do what you require to keep the priveledge of going.

[Pollyanna]

I say have her earn $200 and also have her ask for the portion your parents are providing as a Christmas or birthday gift. If she takes ownership in it (both via earning and knowing it's a gift) she may be more likely to do what you require to keep the priveledge of going.

I agree. DD started working at 12 (doing my moms ironing and helping to care for my dad) so she could pay for her private tap lessons. She really will appreciate this lesson in the long run.

Sounds like such a fun trip!!

[rainbabies]

here's my thought...and i'm hesitant to post it...so please don't be angry with me.

as i don't have the lovely age of tween/teen yet...i could be WAY off here.

given her history with school work, grades and her lack of turning things in, wouldnt you NOT want her to go? as a form of "punishment?"

or would that be punishing you in the long run?

again, i'm no expert on tween/teen girls...(but will be looking you guys up when my time comes!!!)

whatever you do decide, with the money...i hope she keeps her end of the deal, has a good time and a safe trip!

crawling back to my cave....

[Meenah]

Motherhood is really hard!!!! I understand your point Sylvia, so no need to crawl into your cave. I think punishing her next September for something she is doing now probably wouldn't have much of an impact in the long run. Teens are very in the moment. It would be a better experience to have something for her to look forward to and work torwards (and hold over her head!!!). Just my opinion. I always found that consequences/punishments needed to be felt at the time. OK, now crawling back into my cave feeling thankful that I don't have anymore teens!!!!

[peggyfromwastate]

I've certainly thrown it out there... It is a school trip, though, and they are doing *work* the whole time. That being said, I have until Sept 1 and if we cancel for any reason before then, we get back all our money paid. (that will be $600 at that point.)

Right now we are focusing more on if she doesn't get with the program and consistently turn in homework she won't get to do the extracurricular musical thing next year. This is a really big deal to her-- they're doing Hair Bands and she *totally* needs to be part of that because she's a total 80s rock fanatic...

If she screws up first quarter of 8th grade, she's not doing the musical... But I think the NY trip would be a total PITA if she missed it, because we'd be given special assignments she'd need to make up here at home... And I think that may be a bit harsh for what she's done honestly... She just can't get her act together to do her homework, basically. I'm hoping this is something she can overcome eventually, but stellar organization isn't going to happen overnight...

As it is, if we tell her she needs to work of $200 I know that we'll get the money from her... Babysitting opportunities are plentiful around here- it means I only have to schlep one kid (or one plus the baby) to girl scouts, or cub scouts, etc., etc. So she'll be able to *earn* that money. We've had success with her paying her way for things like this before.

[peggyfromwastate]

Motherhood is really hard!!!! I understand your point Sylvia, so no need to crawl into your cave. I think punishing her next September for something she is doing now probably wouldn't have much of an impact in the long run. Teens are very in the moment. It would be a better experience to have something for her to look forward to and work torwards (and hold over her head!!!). Just my opinion. I always found that consequences/punishments needed to be felt at the time. OK, now crawling back into my cave feeling thankful that I don't have anymore teens!!!!

You need to write a book... Seriously.

It's so hard to live in the now with a teen... She's grounded right now for not turning in homework, again, and even though she's grounded, she asks to go to this dance, or that party, etc., etc... And this is during groundation-- it's like it doesn't click with her. Grounded = no dance. She says, "But I was nice to you all day!"

You'd think you could move past the preschool phase of *catching them being good* and giving rewards pretty much instantly for everything-- and punishments right away too... It seems like we still need to have *daily* rewards and *daily* consequences with Kate- it's quite frustrating. There's no long term concept here, and if it's a grounding of more than 2 weeks, she just literally gives up, decides it's too long to wait to get back priveleges, and continues the behavior that got her in trouble in the first place...

frustrating.

Peggy, I was thinking that some of this sounded familiar to me in terms of dealing with the preschool set. I think there are some similarities!

[peggyfromwastate]

I know... In the developmental scheme, when they hit teen they go back to the extreme selfishness of the preschool set, without the love and adoration for their parents, though.....

Of course, not ALL teens are like this! I'm totally banking on at least 1 of my 5 to be a delightful teenager...

[houseelf]

I'm totally banking on at least 1 of my 5 to be a delightful teenager...

I've got higher dreams for you, baby. I hope that you are getting all of the crappy adolescent stuff out of the way FIRST and the rest is smoothe sailing.

Hey, we can dream, right?

Kelly

[PrincessFiona]

Peggy, I ran into another dawkter's wife the other night at the middle school 8th grade graduation dance. We were both picking up our boys. In a moment of incredible drive-by intimacy, we pretty much both vomited up our misery. Her 8th grader is the youngest of 3 children. She is going through pretty much the same thing with him that we are going through with our adolescents.

She let me know that eventually...when they hit their twenties....they turn back into people again.

boohooooo

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Oh...and I'd let her go just for the break for YOU.

It might go against any discipline style parenting, but .... oh well.