Shy kids

[Sheherezade]

Anyone else got one? I went in to my son's middle school today. I'm setting up a photo auction event for the school. I haven't been in the school much and haven't spent much time with the teachers apart from Open Houses, etc. I asked the teacher if she thought my son was doing OK. She paused and said "It's hard to get a read on him. He doesn't talk much.". I know I'm paranoid - but the way she said it seemed less than positive. Not: he's a sweetie but so shy. More like: he's a little odd. *sigh* She went on to say that when he does talk, he kind of mumbles and that he has such a deep voice that it is hard to understand him. Should I be worried? (I'm such a worrying mom.)

He does very well in school. He gets nothing but A's. I have tried to NOT attend optional PTCs etc. because when they weren't optional, the teachers never had anything to say. He kind of fades in to the woodwork in class but does well on assingments. The nice teachers will just smile and tell you he's doing great - but some of the teachers seem to forget he exists. When he walks around after school, he pulls his sweatshirt hood up around his face and is very quick to leave the school. He's going in to 9th grade next year. He has had a few teachers that have loved him to death and said very nice things to me. So, it isn't a universal opinion that he's like a young unibomber. With all that said, he has lots of friends (a few close) and has been firm on the idea that he does NOT want to leave the area or the school for a private school. He tells me that everything at school is great.

My guess is he has trouble dealing with authority figures and with "popular" peer idols and he keeps his head down. Literally....apparently.

I've knocked myself out trying to get him in to activities apart from soccer. Nothing takes unless I force him to attend. I've tried to stay away from his MS because I thought it would foster independence if I had him "fend for himself" on grade disputes, etc. I'm not sure that's worked and I'm feeling guilty about abandoning him. Maybe I should have been doing more to get him out of his shell.

Thoughts? Comments? Mommy freak out, in full force, this morning.

[ladymoreta]

I was really shy growing up. I think I just had so many people telling me I was that it never occurred to me that I'd outgrown it. Then I went to summer camp one year in high school and realized I liked talking to people and making new friends. It was like flipping a switch. Hope your son has a similar experience. It's not so bad being "the shy kid" as long as no one is picking on you.

[Sheherezade]

Both my kids are shy. I have tried not to label them, though. I read awhile back that if you constantly tell a kid that they are shy that they will internalize that. I think that's one of the reasons that I'm discouraged by this morning. I thought that my son wasn't so shy any more. He's been bringing friends home for years now and has been much more verbal in restaurants, etc. I suppose that hasn't happened at school though -- at least not with this teacher. Maybe it will happen more with time.

My problem with the shyness is that it keeps him from trying new things. He's literally terrified to be in a new situation and will do a lot to avoid it. I just hope he gets better at interacting with adults and authority figures before college interviews or senior projects. So many of his peers are very smooth and polished with adults. He's not rude but he does literally keep his head down. He doesn't like to look people in the eye or speak up. But, no. No one seems to pick on him. He's off to D.C. for three days on a school trip now and he seemed very excited to go. So, he will do adventurous stuff with the support of a group. He isn't interested in the end of year trip to an amusement park because he doesn't like roller coaster....and he's certain the kids will tease him. I'm not making him go. Should I? Or would that be torture?

Thanks for the inspiration. I'm hoping he finds his way. I just got off the phone with my husband and he told me that he was the same at 13. Now you can't shut him up. 13 is a tough age all around. I have a hard time understanding what to do for him (if anything) because I was very different. I'm shy and awkward on the inside but I was always very visible at school. Honestly, you have to stick a sock in my mouth to shut me up. I'm kind of like Rosie O'Donnell.

[DCJenn]

If he has friends, is getting As and is participating in some extracurriculars, I wouldn't worry too much. I think shy people intimidate those of us who AREN'T shy because you really can't get a read on the person. It's maddening to those of us who like talking to people. I would imagine that if a teacher has a certain number of students engaged in conversation (and no doubt some quid pro quo external reinforcers, "you're such a great student, no you're such a fabulous teacher" hooey,) they likely resent not getting much back from him.

You could always ask him, of course understanding that 1) he's a guy and 2) he's a guy who is in 8th grade.

J.

[Sheherezade]

You could always ask him, of course understanding that 1) he's a guy and 2) he's a guy who is in 8th grade.

This is essentially what my husband said. He's a shy kid that's grown in to a moody teen. Of course, he's doing fine by all standards. I just wondered if I should be doing anything to get him out of his protective hood, making eye contact and speaking clearly. I suppose he'll pull it together before 11th grade -- or he'll find a school that appreciates the surly, smart and creative individual.

[peggyfromwastate]

I have some extremely shy kids, but they haven't hit teen yet, so...

My closest kid to your son's age is Kate. Now, she is not shy with her peers, but she's still not good with adults. She's very awkward talking to adults. Very.

When she was in 6th grade, she had a really hard time with here peers, too. She went through an entire year with the hood over her head. She wore blue jeans and a black sweatshirt every day. She was 12. Anyway, she came out of it mostly ok. She certainly didn't talk to an adult then, and she stuck with pretty much a small group of friends. When she was this age and in this very withdrawn state, I tried to explain to her that everyone is NOT just staring at her. Everyone is not looking at her, thinking about her, obsessing about her. More likely most of the other 12 year olds were crippled with this fear of what everyone else was thinking of them. She thought about it, anyway. She said it made her feel a little less self-consious. I also talked a lot with her about countenance, and how to other people she looked mean when she was really just insecure. I told her to practice making more "pleasant" expressions in the mirror and people wouldn't think she was so pissed off all the time... She rolled her eyes, but she did it...

I guess from what you say, your son is OK with his group of friends, but is very insecure with kids he doesn't know. This may be easier for a boy to carry than a girl. The silent mysterious type, you know. BUT that's not to say that it isn't absolutely miserable for the kid going through it.

As far as the amusement park, you'd be surprised how many kids don't like rides. For Kate's friends, most of them won't do roller coasters for one reason or another. There is lots of other stuff going on, usually-- if he doesn't want to ride on a roller coaster, I don't see why this would cause an issue. But if he really doesn't want to go, I wouldn't force him either. I can't imagine kids teasing him for not riding, though... They would be happy to have someone hold their stuff. On the other hand, If I didn't like roller coasters, I wouldn't want to go either.

As far as the speaking to adults, I would wait to push that issue. I think that when we get to be about 15 or 16, and starting to think about driving a car, communicating with clarity and maturity towards adults is increasingly important (police officers, employers at jobs, teachers of course). But I think it's just overload for some kids in this age group. The peer group is all powerful, and while some things Kate has said to adults makes me cringe, if it's not openly rude or hostile, I don't push it. I've witnessed that scene before (adult berating 13 year old for being "rude" to an adult in front of the teen's peers-- it's not a good thing...) There are speaking classes that can be taken later on if needed- persuasive speaking, acting, that kind of thing. These are usually offered outside of a school and the instructors may be more gentle with their students and more used to helping teens learn how to talk to adults...

Good luck. I empathize!

[Sheherezade]

Thanks Peggy! I think you've hit the nail on the head with your advice to your daughter. I will have to try a version of that with my son. He does seem to think he is being judged and observed at every moment. I'm not sure what I will do about the amusement park trip. We have a carnival here every year and there is a lot of bravado about the rides. They have one of those loops that flips over and over upside down. Considering it is a traveling carnival and looks very rickety to me, I'm so glad he won't go on it. I'm sure he has been taunted (playfully) about it, though. That's probably shaping his reaction to the big amusement park trip. I should see if there is anyone else in the class that he hangs out with that doesn't like rides - but then, I'd be a hovering, over-controlling mom, right? *sigh*

I wonder if I will make it through the high school and college years! This part is a lot more challenging than toddler time. Then, I knew what I was supposed to do. Now, it isn't so clear and it seems to differ from kid to kid and day to day.

[Pollyanna]

I completely understand your concerns Angie. I think you've done a good thing by allowing him to make his own way during middle school but still being there when he needs you. I would like to point out that NO ONE, I mean NO ONE likes middle school. It is a hard time for all kids, even the "popular kids" that seem to be doing so well from the outside. Second, don't take too much stock in the comments of one teacher. Some teachers just don't know how to deal with kids that don't fall into the "average" category.
If your ds is worried about the amusement park trip then let him skip it, you are encouraging independence then this is a good time to allow him to assert his. He probably knows how kids will react and my guess is that it is MUCH easier for a girl to say she doesn't like fast rides than for a boy to say the same thing. Since he is excited about going on the D.C. trip he clearly is comfortable being away from home with peers and that is a good thing. Sounds like he is a great kid!

[oceanchild]

I would like to point out that NO ONE, I mean NO ONE likes middle school.

This.

Also, tell him to take a speech and debate class in high school. Worked wonders for me.

[peggyfromwastate]

He probably knows how kids will react and my guess is that it is MUCH easier for a girl to say she doesn't like fast rides than for a boy to say the same thing.

This is very true. Girls are way different from boys. Good point Tara!!