Talk me through the whole cell phone thing

[houseelf]

Mark this thread as evidence of me doing exactly the opposite of what I said I would do when I got to this stage.

There have been a couple times this fall when it would have been really useful for DS (almost 11) to have a cell phone. In a long line of scheduling mishaps, yesterday DS waited 50 minutes for me outside because his after school Spanish class was canceled. Yes, he could have asked another kid to borrow a cell phone, asked a teacher for help, etcetera. Unfortunately, I can't purchase judgment for him or I would. There are also times where he has needed something at soccer or was out in the woods behind our platt and I needed to talk to him but couldn't leave because the baby was sleeping.

Anyway, all of this is lame justification because I think his big Christmas gift will be a cellphone.

Talk me through what sort of things I need to consider, what are some good ground rules to consider, and any other pearls that might be useful. TIA!

[Michele]

One of those Disney phones with 4 buttons? Just kidding. This thread should probably be stickied.

[peggyfromwastate]

BTDT.

Kate got her cell phone when she started middle school because it was just too hard to get in touch with her. She missed a few buses from school, and had to go to the office and try to call from there. She could never remember my cel number, so she'd call the house and leave frantic messages...

Anyway, this is what we did then-

We did not have texting. We did make sure she programmed in our phone numbers (seems like a no-brainer), and we drilled it into her head that the cell phone was a privilege and if she lost it or if she abused it (talked on it past the hour we said- I think we started with 9 pm on a school night, 11 on a weekend), then we would take it away. We have had to take it away several times. When she lost her phone (7th grade I think), the phone was old and able to renew. BUT we didn't want to reward her. So, I had been using a *throwaway* type of phone because I didn't seem to use my cell very much back then, and so she had to use that thing for about 5 months. This phone was very basic, no games, no nothing. It was a cheap pay as you go. She hated it! But we still kept a phone with her bc it's so difficult to get in hold of your teen if they don't have a phone!

When she started 8th grade, we tried to let her do some texting. She signed up for a limited plan, I think 500 messages or something. The arrangement was that SHE would pay any overages. Well, I checked her usage after about 4 days of texting, and she already had about $15 worth of overages. Lol. Texting was blocked, and she was amazed... It left an impression.

When DH and I upgraded to iPhones in the middle of Kate's 8th grade, we upgraded her to a new plan with unlimited texting. THIS has been both a blessing and a curse. I find that it's much much easier to get in touch with her with texting. I can txt her while she's in school, and she can check her messages at lunch or in between classes. She WILL check texts, but not voicemail. And she will respond to texts too. And it seems like the *reception* is better for texts. I text her to come up for dinner, to do her chores at home, everything. We have a family calendar that sends her texts to remind her of practices, etc..

The bad of texting- too much texting. When she started, she could not control herself. We told her no texting after 10 pm on a school night, 12 on a weekend, and we check the bills. If I find that she's been texting past those times, she loses the phone for a week. This is pretty much an ultimate punishment. She sulks around, says she's "bored", and almost has panic attacks because she doesn't know what is going on with her friends. *eyeroll*

So, I don't know. I can relate to not wanting your tween to have a cell phone. I was there, but ultimately I folded because it was more convenient for me in the end...

[HouseofWool]

Okay - related question for those who have BTDT... What sort of limits do you put on the phone's usage? My parents have a 14 yo (8th grade) foster son who has a cell phone with limited minutes and unlimited texting. Until recently, no big deal, no one to talk to... Now, he has met a girl and they are texting like crazy (over 100 a day). She swears she has the worst life ever yaddayaddayadda. It sounds like typical 14 yo girl angst. The FS has had a very hard time restraining himself from using the phone, so he is not allowed to take it to school etc. Now, the limits are that he can't use it after 9pm or during the dinner hour, which leaves him about 1-3 hours a night. And STILL they have tons of texts going back and forth.

[peggyfromwastate]

As long as it's during allowed texting time, I don't care. Kate regularly logs over 2500 a month. Usually closer to 4000. She does take it to school, because that's why she has a phone, so that I can reach her while she's at school. But if school work becomes a problem, you just take the phone until they are done with their school work.

In my experience, the minutes for talking will go unused if there is a texting option.

[diggitydot]

DD1 (almost 15 y/o) got her first cell phone in May when we went to Disney World. We're with AT&T so we also added their Smart Limits. Best. Decision. Ever.

From day one she was severely limited. We blocked ALL of her friend's phone numbers, time blocked use during school hours and after 8:30pm, and made it so she only had a handful of numbers she could call or text (mine, DH's, my mom's and my sister's phones). She was required to ask permission to use her phone if it was to contact someone not on her list of allowed peeps.

We eased up her restrictions slowly and now she has no restrictions and is EXTREMELY responsible with her phone. It drives her insane when her friends send stupid "hey" texts or send one when they're sitting right next to her. The one time she texted her boyfriend after 8:30pm, she lost access to her phone for a week. She took it in stride and has been very careful to toe the line since. And she knows we check her phone every day. She leaves it in the kitchen (on its charger) when she goes to bed at night.

Restricting use in he beginning was a great way to train her how to responsibly use her phone in a manner that wouldnt drive us bonkers. I heart Smart Limits.

[Pollyanna]

Both of our oldest children got their cell phones at 11-12 years old. We have unlimited texting because that is how we (and everyone else) communicates with them. When they got their phones we discussed the responsibility. They needed to be aware of our minutes and not use their cell phone to chat, they could use the home phone for that purpose. Texting was fine as long as it did not interfere with life. Meaning, no texting on family outings, at the dinner table, etc. We talked about learning to be "present" in their life and not always wondering what is going on with person A, B, or C. We discussed that other children may forward inappropriate messages and they needed to be aware of the consequences. Most importantly, they needed to be responsible enough to monitor their own use. So far so good. They have phones, text a fair amount just like any teen, but are not attached to their phones in an unhealthy way.

Have fun phone shopping!!!

[SoonerTexan]

For what you are needing, I would get a tracfone for now. That has worked well with my younger siblings.

Haha, free nights and weekends were the lifeblood my DH's and my relationship (then long-distance) in high school.

[alison]

Almost every single kid I saw in Palo Alto had an iphone.

Uh-oh. I think we just live in a different age. I mean, c'mon, how many of us had pagers?!

Both of my girls ages 13 and 10 have cell phones. We have unlimited texting and free mobile to mobile minutes. They never even come close to going over minutes. The oldest has 2000-4000 texts a month. We live in an age of computers, high tech gadgets, and communication has completely changed. I see it as keeping up with technology. My oldest has had computer and internet access since the age of 5 with no problems. He computer skills are off the chart and she types faster than both Mom and Dad.

[Sheherezade]

Both our kids have iPhones. Honestly, with what I know now, I would have just started with that. We bought 2 phones for my son onthe way to the iPhone - a Firefly when he was 11 and then a "real" phone a year and a half later because he was embarrassed by the kiddie phone. We made a deal with the kids last year that if they got straight A's for the whole year, they could each get an iPhone. They did. We bought. They have to pay their own $10 a month service through chores/allowance. My daughter is on limited texts to have the $10 charge; my son inherited my awesome $10 data plan along the way with my original 2G iPhone so he has unlimited texts now and only a $10 charge.

Here's the case for the iPhone. It is a game device. It is a music player. It is an alarm clock. It is their internet connection for school -- and in high school here, my son has been required to join 3 different online forums for classes. Our school allows smart phone use for schoolwork in study hall. DS uses the iPhone to do research and email himself pdfs of articles. He has even typed a paper on the phone during a car trip. This morning, I woke my daughter up upstairs by texting her from the kitchen. We had an entire conversation about how chilly it was and how she didn't want to get out of bed - via text. She came downstairs dressed and had the cup of tea I promised. She has read several books on the iBook and Kindle apps. I think I may get her some credits as a Christmas gift. DS is taking an app development computer camp this summer. He will need to have his phone to participate - because it will be the product testing device and registered as a development tool with Apple. So.... it think the phones are actually doing them both more good than damage. Of course, both my kids are nerdy and have limited social lives -- so maybe the friend connection thing is more of a problem than I've had to deal with YET. So far, so good!

It is different than when we grew up, but honestly, I'm embracing it.

[houseelf]

Angie, what a refreshing perspective! With teens, all the stories are doom and gloom. My neighbor has five boys ranging from 10 to 17. She swears she likes them better as they get older. Even if she is secretly drinking in her closet at night, I need to cling to this perspective.

[Sheherezade]

My son is just starting with debate club. You'd love it...being a lawyer and all. I had to hold myself back from telling him the six different attacks I could see for arguing a bill about retesting elderly drivers in their mock congress today. Much, much more fun than doing math homework. It isn't all bad. Don't fret.

[PrincessFiona]

Our older kids have had pay as you go phones since 6th grade. We use the unlimited text plans and they have to earn their cards through behavior/chores. Currently, Mr Lazypants doesn't have his phone loaded. He is hung ho to pull up his vocabulary score to get it back though.

I personally think iPhones are adult privileges. But that's me. LOL. My kids will have to get jobs and pay for iPhones!

Kris
Kris

[Sheherezade]

Kris -- they are cheaper than laptops! ($99 each actually since we bought the 3Gs after the 4Gs came out!)