Getting permission?

[peggyfromwastate]

We have been having a lot of trouble w dd15 lately with this concept. Our rule is simple-- if you want to go somewhere, ask us first.

Lately there have been lots of half days at school because of finals and what not. Today was her last day of school in fact. I was planning to drive her to a friends house, but she needed to be ready for me to pick her up by 930. She wasn't, so I left without her. This prompted a hissy fit from her, via text and a totally inexcusable phone call where she hung up on me (oh Bo you didn't!). So she was mad and she decided to walk to the mall w her BFF. She never told me this. So I went to the school to pick her up after my Appt, she wasn't there of course, and she finally picked up her phone and told me she just got to the mall.

This has happened a lot the last few weeks. She says she's going to a place, then her friends decide to go somewhere else and she goes along. She seems to think that its ok bc she Is with her friends. Even thoughwe have told her time and time again...

I know what you r going to say... Something about the definition of insanity. But it's really not that simple with teens. At this point though I am picking her up from places where she didn't have permission to be... And hopefully at some point she will understand that she needs to talk to me when she is going somewhere that I don't know about ahead of time. If this doesn't work I'm going to cancel her cell phone.

Sigh. It just sucks. I don't know why this is such a hard thing for her to do. Sending a text or calling me is really not that much to ask... Right?

I'm curious what the younger peeps here think is appropriate. I was a teen when cell phones weren't in existence. And when I was driving we would go from place to place and it was all good as long as I made curfew. I just think that while I pay the cell phone bill, I should be told where she is at all times. Eventually she may gain trustyo the point where I can just let her not update me, but I think it will definitely take awhile to get there. At least a year...

[DCJenn]

We were supposed to call if there was a change in plans. (which back in the days before cell phones meant actually stopping at a gas station to call!)

I think that's reasonable. I know that there were times when we didn't call, because we were going someplace where we were specifically told not to go. I got caught out in an icestorm once w/ my friend Gwen (the Beer Goddess) and we finally made it to where we were supposed to be and damn near passed out from fright. I was driving my mother's car in an ice storm home from Darnestown (to Montgomery Village!) and it took 3 hours.

J.

[HouseofWool]

I don't have teens - so my opinion may change a lot in 5 years!

But... I know my ass would have been grounded for go somewhere without permission. As in, not allowed to leave the house at all, no contact with the outside world (phone, text, computer), a list of chores a mile long, blah, blah, blah.

It is the patent disrespect that is the biggest issue. If she isn't respecting the boundaries now, how much worse will it be in a year or two?

[scrub-jay]

I don't have teens - so my opinion may change a lot in 5 years!

But... I know my ass would have been grounded for go somewhere without permission. As in, not allowed to leave the house at all, no contact with the outside world (phone, text, computer), a list of chores a mile long, blah, blah, blah.

It is the patent disrespect that is the biggest issue. If she isn't respecting the boundaries now, how much worse will it be in a year or two?

This. I would have been (and had been) grounded in no time flat. She would have searched for me in the mall and made a scene dragging me out of the store (just for the humiliation factor).

ETA: I was a teen before cell phones too and I was expected to find a payphone if something changed. Since my parents pay for my younger brother's cell phone, they like to know where he is (although he is 22 now) and he is terrible about calling so he just activated the "find my phone" feature on his bb and taught my mom how to find him if she needed to know where he is without relying on him to call. But, he was never really in trouble and more often than not his phone can be found at the beach where he is surfing.

[Momo]

Get the GPS tracking app that allows parents to know where their teens are.

cross posted w/ crystal...pretty much the same idea.

[SoonerTexan]

I had a cell phone by my jr. year of HS. I was expected to call and my parents were to know where I was at all times. There were a few times I forgot, but it was never much of an issue for me or my sister.

My little brother is currently the biggest offender (17 years old)--he "forgets" his phone all the time and prompts lots of late night frantic searches. I had to do one myself when my parents were in Barbados and I was PISSED. In theory his a** should be grounded regularly, but he is child #4 and the discipline has gotten lax as my parents have 4 teens at home I think checking in is perfectly acceptable and to be honest, he shouldn't be out as late as he is most of the time--our town has a curfew for those 17 and under.

Now, once we went to college, they didn't really care as long as we checked in every 2 days or so. My mom never worried too much about me because DH was with me at school and (in theory) would say something if I were missing. There were a few times when my sister didn't answer her phone for 3 days and my mom would start calling me or her friends to make sure "she was alive."

[SuzySunshine]

If we could manage to check in in the old days of no cell phones today's kids have no excuse, a text is not to much to ask.

[peggyfromwastate]

It's hard because we are already The Strictest Parents In The World. Her friends mostly have parents who just don't want to be bothered. Sad but true. She HAS been grounded for the past few weekends. It's ridiculous.

It's been very hard because she spends more than half of the year grounded. She really does.

The last big thing she was grounded for which really started us clamping down hard on this issue of *we must know where you are at all times* was when she went to a supervised dance (held at a community center) and she was planning to sleep over at a girls' house (we knew the girl, she's been at her house before, and we met the parents before.) Their ride from the dance to the house decided to take them elsewhere, to a cousins' house where they all crashed. HELLO??? Seriously. So the cousin (the person who gave them the ride) is about 22 or so, and she just decided to drive 4 minor children to her house rather than to her aunt's house... And since it was an "adult", kate thought this would be ok. But she really knew it wasn't, because when we called to tell her we were on the way to pick her up, she flipped out, said she wasn't there, etc, etc. After that incident, we really have amped up everything. We have a no sleepover policy now. She is welcome to have a sleepover here at our house. That's it, no exceptions. If you can't trust the "adults" in charge, it's just asking for trouble.

We have a 10 pm curfew for approved events (approved by us-- not just hanging out somewhere- has to be a supervised event). And we call her and text her, and if she doesn't respond we will find her. I found her recently by calling repeatedly until the boy who was holding her phone for her (this was at a school dance) answered the phone. Big ******* mistake. That incident embarassed her sufficiently... and scared the boy too (he answered this way *Hello... who's this* Me-- "This is Kate's mother and who are you and why are you using her phone?" He: "Whaaaaht?" Me: "Find Kate now and give her her flipping phone... NOW."

Anyway, with all this history, it's easy to armchair quarterback and say *why is she still going out? Why is she not grounded til kingdom come?" Well... because we ground her for about 2 weeks, then give her another chance. I don't know though. I feel like removing her door and going all tough love on her....

It's doubly hard because I feel like the system doesn't back me up. These kids think they can do whatever they want. Take the school just letting them leave after they take their exams. These are 14 and 15 year olds, and they just walk away from the school... It's so frustrating, and there are no other parents who think it's a big deal. Just as long as their kid is home at some point, that's ok with them.

We have been butting heads over this issue. I'm staying consistent, and she is just not getting it. She just keeps on pushing it. Today she got picked up straight away from the mall. She didn't get to do anything "fun" on the last day of school. I'm the worst parent ever. But... all she needed to do was call and obtain permission.

Ugh. So frustrating...

[ladymoreta]

Yep, I would have been hunted down and dragged out of the mall, then grounded harshly. For hanging up on them, I'd probably lose the cell phone, possibly permanently. We didn't have cell phones, but were definitely expected to call anyway. If you take it away, she can be doubly humiliated by having to borrow her friends' phones once she's ungrounded.

[SuzySunshine]

Big hug Peggy, I'm locking mine in their room from age 12 to 21

[ladymoreta]

Sorry, cross posted with you! It sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing. More grounded time equals more babysitting and girls' nights out or date nights for you, right? (Okay, maybe not, but we can dream, right?)

As the child of another set of Meanest Parents in the World, I am now grateful for them, even though I hated it at the time. My life is much better than it would have been since they taught me those lessons early. She'll love you for it, even though it's probably harder for you than it is for her right now.

[peggyfromwastate]

Seriously I would have in so much trouble if I'd hung up the phone on my parents.

This is just... So complex. It really is. This didn't happen overnight, and she's not generally disrespectful, she's just impatient and "it's not fair" because the friends don't have restrictions. What really sucks is that the parents know I'm strict, so if Kate is somewhere then the parents let their kids go bc they think that I've already OK'd the event. Everyone waits for me to make a move.

The hanging up on me... That was a first. I'm still seething. I just can't even talk to her right now...

ETA: I should clarify that the parents who give a crap wait for me to OK an event. The other ones couldn't care less.

[peggyfromwastate]

Big hug Peggy, I'm locking mine in their room from age 12 to 21

There's always military school...

[PrincessFiona]

Peggy, I feel your pain on this. Believe it or not, we are also the strictest parents. It's outrageous how little supervision teens get. None of Amanda's friends will hang out or spend the night here because we 1. won't leave them home alone 2. won't allow bonfires at midnight 3. refuse to allow them to walk around at 2am. It's insane.

What worked for us (we are frequent drivers to/from) was to say no the next few times with the reason that I will only drive to events if I am informed of whereabouts and asked in advance. Walking to the mall is fun once or twice, but they quickly discover that if they want a 'yes' and cash for a movie they better shape up.

Kris


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[v-girl]

I won't even let mine leave the dance studio to go to the pizza place or Indian grocery store without letting me know. If I show up and they are not in the dance studio, I text, call and track them down. Now they let me know every time. Our town is too spread out for them to walk anywhere. We're in the middle of a large neighborhood. It's at least a mile just to get out of our neighborhood. They aren't walking that in the Texas heat.