Getting permission?

I don't have teens yet (and am terrified), but I can say with absolute certainty that if I'd hung up on my mother, I would not have seen the light of day, nor spoken to any of my friends, nor watched TV, ... in short ... had ANY fun ... for at least a week. To me, the disrespect in that and the "show" it put on for the other kids is the bigger issue.

My mom had all sorts of absurd phone-related rules. I'm so old that we only got call waiting when I was in 10th grade (I remember the day). My mom had to work a ton and then was a bit of a twelve-step meeting addict (al-anon, adult children of alcoholics), so I was home alone a lot. I was only allowed to be on the phone from the top of the hour to the bottom of the hour, and had to be off from the bottom to the top so she could call, or her friends could call (and I could tell them she wasn't home or take a message). If I went somewhere you'd better believe that I was where I said I would be, and with whom. I remember the ONE time I was somewhere else, and came home late ... our house was at the end of the street on the cul-de-sac, so you could see the front door as you drove down the street. I came home to her silhouette in the front door, light behind her, hand on hip ... my friend asked if I just wanted him to drive away.

I think I'd punish about the hanging up, and then have a conversation about destinations and plan changes and what the very specific consequences will be if it happens again. It's not a "whatever". In this world (or in the scary world in my head) we need to know where they are. What if some a$$hole shoots up the mall, and you didn't know she was there? (yes, this is how my mind works). But then, I make my kids carry walkie-talkies around the neighborhood so I can reach them, and if they go somewhere beyond the set parameters w/o permission, there is hell to pay.

I'm trying to remember how all this worked back in the good old days. After school I was pretty much free as long as I was home by dinner time. My parents always asked when I got home where I'd been and what I'd been doing. I love that they trusted me and didn't want to lie to them, so I do recall a few occasions of answering honestly, teeth gritted, things like "I was at that seedy coffee shop.... where everyone smokes... with a college boy... (gulp)." And my parents never freaked out, that just prompted conversations about how to resist peer pressure, etc.

Going out after dinner was a different story. Everything in the evening had to be parent-approved.

I actually did have a cell phone, even though it was the mid-late 90s. It was the size of a suitcase, but I thought it was oh-so-glamorous. I would have carried it everywhere if I'd had the arm strength, but I didn't so it mostly stayed in my car. I would just use it to call home if I wanted to ask permission to stay out later than planned.

The hanging up would have been the biggest issue in my family. My parents were pretty lenient, but anything smacking of disrespect had major blowout repercussions.

[PrincessFiona]

Because this already happened, Peggy, I think u need to have a meeting, re-establish boundaries, and outline what the consequences are for diff infractions.

It's so hard ....

Kris


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[peggyfromwastate]

She has never hung up on me before. She has tried to walk out when I'm "talking to her" about something she's done wrong, but she is made to stay in the room and keep eye contact until she's excused.

Jenn we used walkie talkies in our hood too-- that was what dd15 used when she was in elem school and went biking with the neighbor girl... Biking around our neighborhood only!!

[diggitydot]

I've held off commenting because I'm so fucking pissed on your behalf. I'll post again when I'm capable of adding something constructive to the convo that contains far less cursing than what I'm currently mentally spewing.

The hanging up...I have no words.

[Tenacious_D]

We were supposed to call if there was a change in plans. (which back in the days before cell phones meant actually stopping at a gas station to call!)

J.

Absolutely reasonable! I walked around NYC with 10lbs of quarters on me because I had to call on pay phones when I arrived, midway through and before I came home. That was a pain in the ass so a text should be easy!

[peggyfromwastate]

OK-

I'm still seething but a little less now.

I just took away her cell. She will get it back when she goes to fly across country to go to her summer camp and to visit our Washington family in a couple of weeks. She acted like it was a death sentence, knocked over a basket of chips (so mature), and stormed downstairs.

When dh comes home, he can take the laptop. I was not in favor of her having the laptop, but she needed to use it for schoolwork and then it just stayed in her room. It is Dh's laptop. So she's just on FB or tumbler or whatever bashing me. I dont' care about that, but this has got to stop.

She's basically being cut off. If she wants to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone, it's going to have to be arranged over our home phone. Sucks, but thems the breaks.

[Pollyanna]

She must realize she crossed the line by hanging up on you. I would likely sit her down when there are no distractions (ie: other kids gone or in bed). So she will have to wait until you are ready to talk to her, which is way worse then just getting yelled at . I would then address the "why" of the hanging up and disrespect. Clearly that is never okay but what's going on with her that she did something so out of character? Maybe she is overwhelmed, exhausted, worried about her grades, all the above and then some. Teens need some help learning to recognize and deal with their emotions. Once that is ferreted out you can explain how that will never happen again and she will need to learn to stop, breath, and think when she gets frustrated because those types of reactions will hurt any relationship she has, whether it be with her, parents, siblings, boyfriends, etc.
The requirement to know where she is is reasonable. We ask dd17 to text us a simple, "here" or "leaving" when she is going places and to let us know the plans. They will forget from time to time but we keep working on it. Seriously, if I had to text dh everytime I went somewhere I would forget from time to time. Of course she doesn't get the "privledge" of forgetting until she has been consistent for a long time. Plus, she will need to show you more responsibility if she is going to be allowed to drive (always a good motivator).
I am sure everyone thinks I'm too touchy feely but I don't think grounding is always the best method to change behavior for every teen plus the more we yell the less we talk. I try to keep blow ups to 25% yelling and 75% talking (give or take).
It's just not easy and every kid responds to different things, which really keeps us on our toes

[diggitydot]

I think the approach depends on the kid. Some kids respond better to a touchy/feely approach, some don't. Some situations require a freak-out so they get that it's a BFD. Definitely not all or it negates the heaviness of a good freak-out.

[SoonerTexan]

Too bad she isn't addicted to the XBOX--hiding it always gets my bro's attention

[houseelf]

I just want to pop in and tell you that you are a good mama. I know K is telling and showing you that your a terrible mom in 100 different ways, but honestly, you are a good mom. Repeat after me, you are a good mom and you are doing the right thing. I *know* this wears you down. Keep up the good fight. Conflict is an inevitable part of parenting a teen. They are supposed to try to break away, establish themselves independently, and make a few big mistakes.

I'm obviously behind you and Princess Fiona and Pollyanna as far as where my kids are developmentally, but I can already see that a lot of parents just don't give a damn and are just plain wore down. This appears especialy true past the first or second child. (Mental note to self: pace myself so I still fight for the third). There is a house of five teen boys down the street and it is a free for all. The youngest son is my oldest child's closest confidant and lets just say that we have had to be VERY clear that we have different expectations and rules for our son. He is a great kid but honestly, he could not show up at home for a few days and I think his mom would be cool with that.

It sucks to be the enforcer. In a much smaller degree due to my kids' younger ages, we are that parent. Like you have experienced, at least one other parent, a single working father, defers to my judgment about parties and events. It wears me down. Dude can you be the hammer for once? I try to listen and work with my oldest as much as possible, but I also tell him that I won't apologize for having rules. I think if I were a more hardliner, my life would be easier. Like Pollyanna alluded, I'm pretty sure all discipline is not what works best for the kidlreads in the long run.

If you would have told me my typically happy, easy going first born would become my hardest child, I would have laughed in your face. I kind of think some amount of conflict with adolescents is inevitable, as well as some amount of screwing up. I just know that this crap wears a person down.

So this is me raising my glass to you for fighting the good fight. K is a good kid. You and M are getting her to adulthood with rules and expectations. It is the much harder way to go. Don't stop believing.... LOL

[HouseofWool]

I think that Tara has a point too. I know my parents rarely tried to ferret out the root of my acting out. I think my early adulthood would have been much easier if I had more guidance on how to handle the bumps in the road.

I would probably keep up the grounding, but try to have a series of conversations with her about what is causing the behaviors. It is so hard to not be judgmental, but who knows what is going on that she isn't telling you.

My parents have figured out that parenting a teen is so much harder now than it was 20 years ago. The cyber aspect of peer relations makes it so much more challenging.

[PrincessFiona]

The real bummer (for those of with more than 1 or 2 kids) is that once we get it figured out and struggle through the feelings of incompetence and shock that this isn't how we thought it would be ... We move on to another child with their own personality and struggles. What worked for the other child won't work for them.

Ah, the joys.


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[HouseofWool]

Please stop scaring me Kris.

[PrincessFiona]

Lol. Don't I inspire hope?

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