Getting permission?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I just want to pop in and tell you that you are a good mama. I know K is telling and showing you that your a terrible mom in 100 different ways, but honestly, you are a good mom. Repeat after me, you are a good mom and you are doing the right thing. I *know* this wears you down. Keep up the good fight. Conflict is an inevitable part of parenting a teen. They are supposed to try to break away, establish themselves independently, and make a few big mistakes.

I'm obviously behind you and Princess Fiona and Pollyanna as far as where my kids are developmentally, but I can already see that a lot of parents just don't give a damn and are just plain wore down. This appears especialy true past the first or second child. (Mental note to self: pace myself so I still fight for the third). There is a house of five teen boys down the street and it is a free for all. The youngest son is my oldest child's closest confidant and lets just say that we have had to be VERY clear that we have different expectations and rules for our son. He is a great kid but honestly, he could not show up at home for a few days and I think his mom would be cool with that.

It sucks to be the enforcer. In a much smaller degree due to my kids' younger ages, we are that parent. Like you have experienced, at least one other parent, a single working father, defers to my judgment about parties and events. It wears me down. Dude can you be the hammer for once? I try to listen and work with my oldest as much as possible, but I also tell him that I won't apologize for having rules. I think if I were a more hardliner, my life would be easier. Like Pollyanna alluded, I'm pretty sure all discipline is not what works best for the kidlreads in the long run.

If you would have told me my typically happy, easy going first born would become my hardest child, I would have laughed in your face. I kind of think some amount of conflict with adolescents is inevitable, as well as some amount of screwing up. I just know that this crap wears a person down.

So this is me raising my glass to you for fighting the good fight. K is a good kid. You and M are getting her to adulthood with rules and expectations. It is the much harder way to go. Don't stop believing.... LOL

I just want to second this comment! My parents were the lax ones you're describing. Not only did they let me go out until all hours with all manner of people, my Dad actually used to buy me beer. I (and my friends) thought it was totally awesome until I turned 19 or 20 and realized that they just didn't give a sh*t about me and that's why they didn't stop me. When they tried to stop me and I fought back, they just let me do whatever and it was HORRIBLE parenting. I have now grown jealous of people who had 'strict' parents because it means they really cared about you.

Keep it up!!! She will thank you someday!!!

[Vishenka69]

I had the strictest parents of everyone I knew and the earliest curfew. But honestly, although I wasn't allowed to do just about anything, I still found a way to get around the rules if I really wanted to. My parents felt safer when I was with a boy they knew and liked than when I was with friends. So I dated who they wanted me to in order to do what I wanted. Even in college after getting a cell phone, they would insist that I put DH on to prove that he was really there. Looking back I think they were a bit too crazy but ask me again when DD is in high school.

[peggyfromwastate]

We talk a lot. Usually when I'm really really tapped out-- but that's when she "wakes up" so to speak.

Last of the elem kids gets to bed about 9:15. Kate shows up about 9:17. Just to sit there and maybe talk. Sometimes we make fun of the bachelorette, sometimes we watch on demand, but that's the pattern. Me time? What's that!?

Anyway, we do talk, and prior to her colossal f***up today, the HangingUp incident, I had spent hours with her talking about her schedule for next year, her exams, her attitude about her swimming, etc etc. We have talked and talked about the "asking permission" before she goes different places. Dh has seriously scary stories about his own sister living on the streets at age 12--- and he shares them with dd. But she's a teen... They are all immortal and untouchable.

Anyway, tonight we talked more. She is stressed about grades a bit, she is stressed about her gay guy friends who are hated on by her straight guy friends, she is stressed about some stupid Facebook fight between her BFF and two other friends-- and dd is caught in the middle.

Sigh. It's just so much Crap to deal with.

Anyway, she won't have her phone. She will be allowed to go out with her friends (this is the only weekend she has before she leaves for 12 days to Washington) and she will have to deal with not having a cell phone at this event. This takes planning. We will see how it goes. She will have an early curfew bc dh is taking call too. Anyway, the main offense from my perspective was the disrespectful treatment over the phone.

So, natural consequence: no phone.

The next main offense: going to the mall without permission. Natural consequence: picked up from the mall right away and didn't get to hang out at all all day long...

Usually natural consequences work best for her. It's just emotionally draining. I feel like we get to an understanding thru talking... And then she does something stupid... And it's three steps back again.

Sigh.

You're doing great, Peggy.

And I'm terrified.

[Meenah]

The more they stomp around and say they hate you and you are sooooo mean and strict, the better you are doing as a parent!!!!!

After the dust settles, possibly set up a list of places it is ok to be, and when a text is expected if you change places. It isn't too hard to send a text, and when she calms down she will realize this (I hope). You are doing a great job, don't doubt yourself. FYI - what worked with my first did not work with my second, I had to change gears and start over!

The more they stomp around and say they hate you and you are sooooo mean and strict, the better you are doing as a parent!!!!!

That reminds me of a quote I got from Wes Brown (the quote is actually something his mother always used to say to him). "I didn't give birth to you because I needed another friend."

[diggitydot]

We have to talk to each kid differently, too. What works for DD1 doesn't work for DD2. And DS is a whole 'nother ball of wax with his language disorders/ADHD/self-esteem stuff.

I have to be honest, if our DD1 pulled even half that shit, I'd have flipped. Hard. In our home, intentionally hanging-up on a parent is completely beyond the pale and will cause immediate and unpleasant results.

We don't do the "I'm your friend" stuff. I'm not saying that being a friend to your kids is bad, per se. It just isn't how we roll.

[peggyfromwastate]

I agree diggity. and I was in shock that she had the audacity to do that.

I think the "I'm your friend" parenting is a problem When being a friend means you are on equal footing.

We talk a lot--- but there's always a line too. She said to me yesterday "you hung up on me once" which I don't remember doing, but if it happened it probably had to do with other kids talking or a dropped call. Anyway, I told her that if that happened ever that's irrelevant really. I said (again) we are not equals, and I pay her bills, and she needs to understand that what she did was disrespectful and unacceptable completely. If I ever hung up on her, that would be rude but not quite the same thing. And when something happens with my cell calls I will call back to explain...

Anyway it's a work in progress. But it is exhausting!!!

ITA about each kid being different. I'm starting to see little glimpses of my life 2 years from now when the twins are in the throes of this crap. Oh joy...

[PrincessFiona]

You are a good mom, Peggy. You talk/listen to her, enforce consequences, and she knows you care. This is the hardest job around and you are doing a great job. Teens are under so many unique pressures and testing limits is also normal. Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself a pat on the back for working so hard. Kate is lucky to have you.

Kris

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[scrub-jay]

Peggy - You are doing a great job and I hope when my dd reaches teenage-hood, I have the same grace under pressure that you do!

[SoonerTexan]

Maybe this was just me, but I do remember truly listening to what my mom said even while rolling my eyes and saying "whatever." Gives me hope--hope it gives you a little, too!

[oceanchild]

It sounds like you've done all the right things. Maybe when she gets back from WA you can sit down and formulate a stay-out-of-trouble plan for the summer. When I taught teens (briefly), I was told to create rules and consequences WITH them... supposedly that improves compliance. So maybe have her come up with expectations and consequences for the summer (with your guidance, of course). Just a thought. Like I said, I think you're doing great. I know its hard in place like yours where there are options for teens to get around even without a car.

[peggyfromwastate]

Thanks so much everyone-- I really value all the different perspectives on this issue!!

XOXO

[Deebs]

Just remember - when you get past all of this and Kate is a well-adjusted young adult, many of us will have teenagers. You'll have to pass all the encouragement onto us.

[peggyfromwastate]

Lol--- but this one is a problem with Kate-- Kris and I sort of have dominated the Tweens and teens part of the board, so I can see the confusion!!