Gaming

[SuzySunshine]

My kids definitely aren't in this age range but its interesting because this came up over Christmas. The IL's have a Wii and there are cousins in the family that are middle/high school age so the day we were all at their house the older kids were in the basement and the little kids played too. We have a Wii but they've only seen DH play Guitar Hero on it, we have a Fit and the sports games we just don't play them anymore. Now I'm thinking I need to find some games they can play because they do like it but I'm afraid it will become an issue just like cartoons are.

My 3 year old chooses Xbox over any other screen time. He plays Portal!

[reciprocity]

I'm totally guilty of everything in this thread (except the online stuff generally, I'm more of a single-player-game guy about 95% of the time)

BUT that being said, sometimes I just want to go home and play a game, and at times that has irked J, so we have some routines now surrounding gaming:

1) If I am going to play with someone online (a "play date" as we call it) I should let her know beforehand so she doesn't expect me to be able to pause and respond immediately to her. I should also give her a reasonable estimate of how long I expect to play (and update this if/when I know it might change)

2) If I'm just playing at home on my own, I try to let her know if it's a game that I can quit at any time or not (like I'm playing Skyrim right now and at any time I can pause and save and turn the game off-now some times are more optimal than others, but in the game I was playing before Batman: Arkham City, the game only saved at certain checkpoints) that way she knows how to let me know if/when she wants me to stop playing (I usually only play if she's working on science or something else, because we only have one TV.)

3) (This is the big one and the one that's been hardest to implement) I stick to times, and I make a conscious effort to turn the game off immediately and honestly when we've agreed on it. I don't know if it's because they design games to pull you in and pull you along or what, but it is REALLY HARD to stop. So when we talk and I say "15 more minutes" or "can I clear this dungeon" or "finish this quest" or whatever, I have to really work hard to make that happen and not say (to myself) "well sure I finished the quest, but let me go sell some of this loot to that merchant too" or "ok, it's been 15 minutes, but I'm almost to the boss, so I might as well do one more fight" BUT she is also pretty cool with me pausing the game (I have learned that is important) and saying "I know I said 15 minutes, but I'm almost to this boss fight, do you mind if I just try to beat him once and if I die, I'll quit, or if I beat him, I'll quit right after?"

Also J just got me headphones for the TV, so now I can play without bothering her if she is working at home.

I think it simultaneously helped and hurt that one of her friends' husband is a total WoW addict and it has caused major problems in their marriage. Like on the one hand she says "well this can be a serious problem" but on the other hand she can say "ok well this isn't THAT bad..."

[ladymoreta]

Wow! I'm not smart enough to play Portal! I love watching people play it, though!


Laurie

[diggitydot]

Honestly, I encourage DH to game. He's so damn busy and doesn't get to do stuff he likes very often. His birthday presents this year were a SodaStream, Skyrim, Assassin's Creed Revelations, and the Assassin's Creed movie. All things he REALLY wanted, but wouldn't go out and buy for himself.

[reciprocity]

That's so funny. One weekend after I had a week of this crazy intense trial trianing, I came home to the gifts of a refilled soda stream and Batman: Arkham City and I was the happiest dude in all the land.

It's not the gaming itself that I think can be a problem for us, but when it interferes with other stuff.

[Sheherezade]

Skyrim and Assassin's Creed were at the top of all my son's friend's Christmas lists. At least all his friends were organized enough to talk and decide on a "social" game - Battlefield 3 - to put on their wish lists. They were tired of always having one person that couldn't play a CoD or Halo because they didn't own it. Right now, he's downstairs happy as a lark setting up a party with 4 friends on Halo. Honestly, given how lonely and depressed he's been since his knee surgery, I'm LOVING video games and Xbox Live today. That's also their NYE plan.

Reciprocity - at least you give me hope that when my son is an adult, he will be experienced at negotiating reasonable times for his gaming with his own family. TBH, he doesn't like TV much at all or watch movies; he prefers his screen time to be interactive and always wonders how we can spend 2 hours "just" watching a movie. To each his own, I guess.

[v-girl]

My husband has been playing Zelda for an hour now. We only have one tv. I may head to Michaels for revenge (I always need more yarn).


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[scarlett09]

Can we have a nonjudgmental discussion about tween/teens and gaming.

I went ape**** on my tween yesterday and told him he wasn't allowed to game for the rest of the break. I have no problem with gaming, as long as it has its place amongst a variety of activities. His friends come over and it is all that they do. Just about the time I get him off a screen, someone calls and asks to meet him on line. Holy crap. Gaming without restraint is endemic. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't hear my words about appropriate limits, my actions would show him. He has cleaned the house, played play doh with his little brother, read a book, and is now asking to ....game.

I understand why parents keep teens busy. I feel like I need him to be in an activity all the time just to have him develop normally. Honestly, every one of his friends games for hours on the weekends. If not on the Xbox, then on their phones or computers. It is like boy crack. I get that it is break, but this is ridiculous.

Where is that commune in Montana that we always talk about? C and I are going to be the founding members. sigh.

I wish that my parents would do a better job of implementing boundaries/limits for my 13-year old brother's gaming. He is on the XBox all.the.time, and until recently, would actually disappear down the basement to play XBox Live FPS games with his friends DURING family gatherings. This type of behavior would really make me mad, not so much at him, but at my parents - we came here to visit everyone, YOU are the adults, HE is the child: make him turn it off and visit family!!! My brother is doing better at leaving the XBox for our visits, as he realizes we are more fun now that he is older. But my parents still indulge some of the behavior - they bought him a flat screen TV for his gaming area, because the old style TV wasn't good enough. The space around the gaming area is a disaster, as his room, and there are no consequences for not cleaning them. :sigh:

I will say that he is a well-adjusted, extremely intelligent child with friends and other interests besides the XBox. I think he will eventually gain some perspective about how much time he spends gaming, as this year is the first time he is actually having to study for a school subject (Algebra I). Or else the parents and I will be screaming at him to leave the XBox behind as he moves into the freshman dorms.

[Pollyanna]

Just to throw another question into this discussion...

For the sake of argument we all seem to be talking about good kids that have friends, play sports, do well in school, etc. So if a child does all of those things (which makes them pretty well rounded IMO) and gaming is just one of their activities why is it a problem? Would you feel equally frustrated if gaming was replaced with reading or shooting free throws in the back yard or playing their guitar or working on an old car? Does some of the frustration come with not understanding the fun in gaming? If they were obsessed with a site like iMSN would that be more acceptable? If not gaming what do you want them to do? And what is the concern IF they are doing what they are supposed to be doing in all aspects of their lives?

Please, please don't take these questions the wrong way. It's how I approach most parenting issues like this (I ask myself tons of questions before I start a discussion with the kiddos) and I think makes a more complete discussion.

Our boys used to play WoW and once they started doing raid with other people online it drove dh and I crazy because they couldn't just log-off (sure they "could" but if you are going to game then you really need to play with appropriate gaming etiquette). We really had to sit down with them to understand how everything worked and then started to give them 30 minute warnings as to when they needed to be logged off. We have all the systems (Wii,PS3, Xbox with kinect). Sometimes the oldest four kiddos will spend an entire day trying to figure out a Zelda game or play Wii sports etc. I am sure that amount of gaming would shock people but you can't get that kind of bonding on a regular basis with that age range. The oldest four really have special memories of those times. Our kids also go back and forth. The systems will collect dust for months and then get lots of use, then back to collecting dust. We have a variety of games from FPS to Mario Kart. It allows everyone to get involved at different levels and have fun.

Sometimes we need to realize that kids need a break, if you have a great well rounded kid that is able to game without it interfering with life then I don't find having time limits etc necessary. Good kids will figure out how to self limit. And we as parents need to realize that they will likely limit in a different manner than we would. But they do need to learn how to do this on their own. Once they hit college the kids who have learned to self limit do far better than the kids who always had mom telling them to turn it off. Obviously if it becomes a problem with grades or family life then that is another issue all together (and I think a different discussion). Even if it is not a problem I do think it is important to talk about self limiting and how they can fit gaming into their lives in a healthy manner.

[Sheherezade]

I agree Tara. That's the same peace I've made with it. When my gamer was younger, I mostly fought it because everyone says you should limit their time. Now, I realize that if that's his biggest "flaw" he's doing pretty well. Also, I remember me grandmother telling me how she used to always get in trouble with her elders for "always having her nose in a book" and they would make her stop reading. Now, that seems odd but it was normal parenting in the 1920s. Times change, entertainments change. We are gaming parents so we do "get it"; maybe that helps.

The only thing I do worry about still is the high level of violence in some of the games. COD and Halo involve shooting people but honestly the kids play them like they were playing tag. Just with guns. LOL. That still weirdos me out a little but I don't think I'm raising a killer.

[SoonerTexan]

My particular beef is with first person shooter games. I mind less when it is another type of game. I don't like the person it turns my DH (on a limited scale) or my brother (on a high scale) into. My brothers swearing, especially F bombs, increased dramatically after he started playing those games.

[ladymoreta]

Well-put, Tara! Pre-kids, DH and I took a break from gaming and found that we just filled the time with more TV. We weren't having more meaningful conversations with each other or being more productive; we were just using a less interactive time-waster. And the part about learning to self-limit playtime is so true! Growing up, we both had lots of freedom to play when we wanted, as long as our homework and chores were done, and that made it so the games weren't all-consuming when we were on our own in college.


Laurie

[Pollyanna]

My brothers swearing, especially F bombs, increased dramatically after he started playing those games.

This is when a child should no longer be allowed to game. If the gaming changes their personality and the person the are then they are not ready to monitor themselves gaming or to be gaming at all. It's a great lesson about learning to be "in the world but NOT of the world". And boy, that lesson translates into a ton of discussion outside of gaming as well.