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Please tell me I'm not crazy

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  • Please tell me I'm not crazy

    Grrr, lost original post, starting over....

    Bella (11 y/o in May, 5th Grade) came home on Valentines Day uber excited because one her classmates had given her a teddy bear that said "Be Mine". Later in the day he also gave her his phone number. Appartently his mom frequently volunteers in their classroom and was there that day. She pulled Bella aside and asked her if she liked the bear because "D" had picked it out especially for her. Later in the week Bella comes home with "D"'s address saying he invited her over to his house to hang out. I blew both the phone number and the address off. Of course I'm surprised though because although she's talked about crushes in the past, "D"'s name hadn't been included on this list before.

    Today my cell phone rings and there's a kid stammering on the other line. Finally the mom comes on and says, "My son is getting embarrassed. He's calling for Isabella. Is she available?" I put Bella on the phone and 5 minutes later she runs down the stairs very excited because D just invited her to the movies after school tomorrow. I asked Bella if his mom would be going along and she said she wasn't sure, but she assumed so. I told her I would have to discuss it with DH later tonight and get back to her. Truthfully, I'm a little shocked. I wasn't at all prepared for this. I thought this stuff didn't start happening until middle school! I called DH and he's pissed she was even talking on the phone with a boy, much less being asked to go anywhere with one.

    So I'm throwing this out there to you all because honestly DH and I both had parents who had effed up boundaries for us growing up so I don't exactly trust our experience on this. It seems to me this mom is completely on board and even helping facillitate this stuff. Am I overreacting/underreacting? Is this a difference between being the parent of a daughter vs. a son? Are parents of sons typically more permissive? Obviously DH and I need to come up with some rules about boys in general. He says absolutely NO dating, group, with parents, or otherwise until 16. That seems a little strict to me, I was thinking 14 for group or parental supervised dates. What say you? How about talking on the phone and visiting each other's houses?
    Charlene~Married to an attending Ophtho Mudphud and Mom to 2 daughters

  • #2
    11 is a little early for my tastes for either group or parent chaperoned dates, but I think 14 with parents is kosher.

    FWIW, our DD1 (16 y/o) isn't allowed to hang with her boyfriend sans adult supervision and boys and nowhere on DD2's (12 y/o) radar. Our dude is only 9, but always has a gal that he likes. And no, he won't be allowed unsupervised time with any gals as a teenager, either.

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    • #3
      That very much sounds like the mom is pushing it. I would say at LEAST 14 which may still be early for a lot of kids.


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
      Wife to NSG out of training, mom to 2, 10 & 8, and a beagle with wings.

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      • #4
        Oy.

        First problem...manipulative mother. Very big problem. She should have contacted you before and asked about your family's feelings before putting the kids and their feelings into the mix. She could have talk to you on the phone before she asked for your daughter. She frightens me and I would run like hell from that woman. She will never have your daughter's fair interest in mind (she's so blinded by her son's wants) and she would be the kind of mother to crucify her later to save her son's ego or hurt feelings. If you let your DD go under these circumstances then you are giving this mother the green light to continue these behaviors and solicitations without communicating with her parents.

        I'm not sure how it all went down, but I would speak with my DD and make sure she understands that she can never accept an invitation on her own. The proper answer is always, "Thank you. I will have to check with my mom and dad." This also sends a clear message to other families. Boy or girl invite. It has to go through family first.

        I would email the mother and most likely not let my DD go under these circumstances. I am so pissed at this woman for blindsiding you and putting you in this position. Uber manipulative.
        Last edited by Ladybug; 02-21-2012, 07:16 PM.
        -Ladybug

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        • #5
          I'm less concerned by the age and more concerned by this boy's mother. I'm with ladybug, she was way out of line to not have spoken with you before putting the kids in this situation, and unless it was a mom I knew very well I wouldn't let my 11 year old go on a chaperoned date with her as the chaperone. The kids can see each other at school and if they want to hang out afterwards it should be on your terms. I don't think you're overreacting to this situation; instincts are in place for a reason.
          Wife of a surgical fellow; Mom to a busy toddler girl and 5 furballs (2 cats, 3 dogs)

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          • #6
            This is a timely topic in our house. DS (6th grade/12 y.o.) has a "girlfriend". We have asked him what "girlfriend" means and he says that they are just sort of special friends. We told him that we didn't think he was old enough for this kind of relationship and that he has the rest of his life for this sort of thing. In private DH and I discussed that forbidding a girlfriend altogether may backfire and he could just go underground with this. We did tell DS that he is absolutely NOT permitted to "date" until high school. We told him that he isn't allowed to go anywhere alone with her and I can guarantee we monitor his group of friends pretty closely. Hell his buddies were here all weekend long. All weekend.

            We also have full access to his phone and email which we check often. The phone goes in my bedside drawer every night. (Honestly most texts to said girlfriend are as banal as "hey, I'm eating pizza, yum!"). We have reiterated our expected boundaries and that if he lost our trust we would ground him. Because we live in a small town, I ran into the girls' mom at the park and chatted with her. Girlfriend's mom obviously is on the same page about not permitting them to go anywhere alone together and has committed to watching group socialization a bit more closely. I don't kid myself, kids get to where they want to go and find ways, but so far I honestly believe that this is a pretty benign thing. I have told him flat out that I do not endorse this pairing off into boyfriend/girlfriends but understand that he is starting to grow up and therefore will not forbid it outright but I do have very specific expectations from him. He knows I will drop the hammer as I have in the past.

            In contrast, one Mom I ran with told me she drops her 6th grade son off at the mall to spend time with his girlfriend. Um, I don't effing think so. Seriously, if you are dating in 6th grade, where are you going from here? I am trying NOT to be judgmental because this shit is HARD but I can say with absolute certainty that I am not even entirely comfortable dropping my son off at the mall period, even with a group of boys. Hell, especially with a group of boys. !2 year old boys have horrible judgment, even the great kids.

            So yes, IMHO, Mom is way pushing it. Interestingly, in this community, it is the girls that pursue the boys. I can say that these boys RARELY talk about girls. They are far more interested in video games, airsoft, eating, sports, and tasteless fart jokes. I think that when the topic of conversations start turning to girls, then I will be more concerned. At 12, they are still little boys.
            In my dreams I run with the Kenyans.

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            • #7
              Yikes! What Ladybug said. That mom is trouble and makes me glad you're moving soon!!

              I would not let my son or daughters go on a "date" at that age. No. Way. I like Ladybug's response about making sure Bella knows she ALWAYS needs to ask you first.

              I remember the kids that "dated" at that age, had "boyfriends/girlfriends" were the ones that were having sex by 7th or 8th grade. (uh, yeah. If I catch a whiff of that, homeschooling it is.)

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              • #8
                Shit. We *just* started allowing the 16 y/o to go off with her friend at the mall when we're there. I can't fathom allowing a middle schooler to do that, much less drop them off and leave.

                And people wonder why their kids get into stupid situations...

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                • #9
                  DD, I fully remember what *I* did when I got dropped off at the mall...and it wasn't hanging out at the mall. My 13 yo self would go to the cemetary across the street with friends and drink Jack Daniels and smoke with boys. THANK GOD I was too much of a ninny at the time to actually kiss a boy, let alone other stuff.

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                  • #10
                    To a large extent, I ran around with little supervision with a group of kids (girls and boys) during the summers when I was in 7th and 8th grade...two of whom were my "boyfriends" (at different times). We were definitely too innocent to do anything beyond pecks on the lips...

                    That said, your daughter is in 5th grade...I think it's one thing for them to be "at school" girlfriend and boyfriend (you can't really control that) and entirely another thing for them to date at this age. It seems bizarre that mom is pushing so hard for this. Obviously this kid is mimicking his observations of couples and I think the mom probably just things "awww, how cute, puppy love," but that doesn't excuse her not thinking it through! I think your instincts are right on but I don't think the other mom really means any harm...at least I hope!

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                    • #11
                      I'm with ladybug. The mom is trouble. The boy is too young and probably harmless. Make sure bella knows she can use "I have to ask my parents " as an excuse if she's uncomfortable.
                      Wife and #1 Fan of Attending Adult & Geriatric Psychiatrist.

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                      • #12
                        Yikes...I agree with Ladybug as well!
                        Jen
                        Wife of a PGY-4 orthopod, momma to 2 DDs, caretaker of a retired race-dog, Hawkeye!


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                        • #13
                          The mom sounds weird but I went on group "dates" in 6th grade and had a "boyfriend" and I turned out okay. That being said I a) don't have kids b) my parents were super open and I was/am very close and comfortable talking with them about any subjects and c) I am the 3rd daughter, the baby by 8 yrs,, maybe they were more chill by the time I came around?
                          Last edited by VinculumJuris; 02-21-2012, 08:20 PM.

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                          • #14
                            Not crazy at all. The mom sounds creepy. I find it disturbing how the trend is getting younger and younger for kids to start dating.

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                            • #15
                              Man this crap sneaks up on you. Just saying. You let your kids go with a group of friends to the movies. They happen to run into a group of guy friends. They pair off. Etc etc.

                              Do you ban group dates? Do you go to the theater with your kids? Do you spy on them?

                              Anyway, in this case, yes the mom is the instigator. For whatever sick reason she thinks her son needs to DATE. I have a 5th grade boy and he is so not interested in any of this. And my 10 year old dd would be mortified. She's much more the drawing unicorns type of kid lol. I distinctly remember this stage when dd16 was 11-- she was not in the "popular" clique in the elem school... The "popular" kids were all hanging out in group dates, going to the mall together, the movies together, pairing off together. There was spin the bottle, boy girl parties with making out in the closet, etc. Everyone knew it was going on.

                              Fast forward to now-- the kids in that group are ALL sexually active. Very much so. They are 15-16 now, they do drugs, have wild parties, one girl will give BJs to every guy (they actually line up and take turns) and there is girl on girl stuff going on in front of the boys just to be "grown up" and "shocking".

                              Run away from this!!!!! Talk talk talk now, and do not stop.

                              Best of luck. It's CRAAAAZY difficult with fb and sexting and all that social media.
                              Peggy

                              Aloha from paradise! And the other side of training!

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