Please tell me I'm not crazy

[scrub-jay]

Oy.

First problem...manipulative mother. Very big problem. She should have contacted you before and asked about your family's feelings before putting the kids and their feelings into the mix. She could have talk to you on the phone before she asked for your daughter. She frightens me and I would run like hell from that woman. She will never have your daughter's fair interest in mind (she's so blinded by her son's wants) and she would be the kind of mother to crucify her later to save her son's ego or hurt feelings. If you let your DD go under these circumstances then you are giving this mother the green light to continue these behaviors and solicitations without communicating with her parents.

I'm not sure how it all went down, but I would speak with my DD and make sure she understands that she can never accept an invitation on her own. The proper answer is always, "Thank you. I will have to check with my mom and dad." This also sends a clear message to other families. Boy or girl invite. It has to go through family first.

I would email the mother and most likely not let my DD go under these circumstances. I am so pissed at this woman for blindsiding you and putting you in this position. Uber manipulative.

This completely. Along with a lovely hell-to-the-no. And wow Peggy, I just have NO words for that. *sigh*

[Momo]

ladybug nailed it!

& Peggy gave me a few white hairs!!! yikes! LOL

[BonBon]

Sooooo...when are we starting the commune???

Maybe the mom isn't crazy, maybe she's really clueless or has totally different values. I think that your only responsibility is to explain your values and rules about such things to your DD and to keep her away from the other mom and kid if that's what you feel is in the best interest of your kid. I don't know, I just like to give other people the benefit of the doubt, maybe she really doesn't know it's so offensive to other parents?!?!?

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Fast forward to now-- the kids in that group are ALL sexually active. Very much so. They are 15-16 now, they do drugs, have wild parties, one girl will give BJs to every guy (they actually line up and take turns) and there is girl on girl stuff going on in front of the boys just to be "grown up" and "shocking".

That's insane! Clearly I was super innocent -- don't get me wrong, my parents would talk ad nauseam about not having sex, what to do if you were in x, y or z situation, etc., but nothing like that ever would have entered into my mind (or my friends' minds)! The one girl who had sex before we were seniors in high school never lived it down (we all learned a veerrrrry good lesson from her)...even then, there were like three people I was friends with that were having sex in high school... (I was not in the "in-crowd" as you can probably tell...)

[diggitydot]

I tend to err on the side of managing my kids, not their friends' parents. I can't control whacked out parents, but I can damn sure teach my kids that making ANY plans before being given permission is an automatic "no" and maybe even grounding if they've been told multiple times.

I really don't think the simple fact that kids are allowed to date before they are 16 dooms them to be drugged-out, bisexual, whorebags. Geez. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but there is more going on there I'm sure. I was actually much more responsible than most of my peers whose parents had very strict rules about boys. I agree with DD, you've just got to teach your kids what your rules are and have good communication with them.

[MissCrabette]

You're not crazy. And aren't you moving soon anyway? You don't need the drama associated with a budding relationship. I can just see it now. You'll be the worst mother in the world for taking her away from the love of her life, and she'll hate you foreeeever.

It seems silly that the other mom is encouraging this. I say let kids be kids as long as possible. I wasn't even thinking about boys until I was 13 anyway, and I certainly wasn't dating.

[GrayMatterWife]

This is not appropriate. This is a boy asking a girl to the movies--a date. Eleven year olds should not be dating. Dating is, inherently, a situation fraught with sexual tension and anticipating. His mother may think it's cute, but she's a dipshit.

Absolutely NFW.

[SoonerTexan]

Too young. And I agree the mom is pushing it.

Hell I met my husband at 15, so I believe young love can grow into something beautiful and strong, but I totally agree with the high school rule.

[peggyfromwastate]

I really don't think the simple fact that kids are allowed to date before they are 16 dooms them to be drugged-out, bisexual, whorebags. Geez. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but there is more going on there I'm sure. I was actually much more responsible than most of my peers whose parents had very strict rules about boys. I agree with DD, you've just got to teach your kids what your rules are and have good communication with them.

Of course not. But there is a correlation between kids wanting to be "grown up" and emulate behavior they see on MTV and early sexual activity.

Anyway, if you keep very open communication with your kids at this point it is easier to talk with them when they are put in these situations.

Also, there is a HUGE stigma in dd16s peer group for those girls who are "easy" vs those who "don't put out". The boys totally disrespect the "easy" girls. Dd has been having interesting convos with boys who explain to her that they keep ties with the "easy" girls for the sexual favors, but they have no interest in talking to these girls, hanging out with them, etc. Anything beyond a BJ or whatever... They just actually despise these girls. It's so duplicitous. Dd16 has been also studying the sexualization of women and girls in media-- it's been an interesting year for her.

Anyway, of course there's a big jump from early dating to all sorts of crazy, but I do think it's easier to put the hammer down on non-age-appropriate relationships early vs try to backpedal.

[MDPhDWife]

Wow I had no idea this would turn into such a hot topic! Hearing your responses definitely helped reassure me that my initial mama bear instincts were right on. I was completely dumbfounded at how much this mom was doing to encourage this "relationship". I was beginning to wonder if it was just a parenting difference between having boys VS girls so it helped to hear from parents of boys that this woman is out of bounds.

BTW, Ladybug I think your post was spot on and you brought up a lot of excellent points I hadn't previously considered. Thankfully Bella knows better than to make plans without checking with me.


[QUOTE=

Anyway, of course there's a big jump from early dating to all sorts of crazy, but I do think it's easier to put the hammer down on non-age-appropriate relationships early vs try to backpedal.[/QUOTE]

ITA. That's why I knew the decisions we make here and now will establish precedent for not just Bella but also Gracie.

I also called Bella's dad last night in addition to discussing this with DH. Thankfully we're all on the same page so that helps us present a united front. Hopefully we can maintain this in the future.

Of course when telling Bella all of this she reacted exactly how Miss Crabette predicted, saying we're moving anyway so it's not like it's serious, blah, blah, blah. She knew we meant business though especially when I told her that her dad and stepmom were in complete agreement. Actually I'm not even sure she's really interested in this kid because he was never on her radar before. She's a very sweet girl who is very sensitive to others feelings so I think this is more about not making "D" feel rejected than her genuine interest in him. This characteristic while admirable, makes me worry though about how susceptible she'll be to peer pressure in the days ahead.

So what do you all think about phone calls? I'm wondering where to draw the line. Again, I had almost no boundaries as a kid so I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[MarissaNicole]

I'm glad to know there are other more conservative parents out there because while I thought my parents rule of no dating of any kind until 16 was unrealistic, I don't think ill want my kids really "dating" before high school.

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[MrsK]

Yeah, my parents said not until I was 16. But I would have almost graduated from HS by then. I was asked to prom Junior year so they let me go on a double date at 15. He was a "nice Jewish boy" whose dad went to college with my dad so he passed but my dad tortured him anyway. The poor guy is now married with 3 kids and he still talks about how many hoops he had to jump through.

[ladymoreta]

I also wasn't allowed to officially date until 16. I was allowed to have a boyfriend and only go on group dates when I was 15. I was fine with it. I am kind of glad I missed out on the middle school "dating" scene. It was all kinds of awkward...